I am at my wits end and need suggestions for a specific problem with my 12 year old adhd son: Whenever I try to talk to him about school or other topic he doesn’t want to talk about, he just talks over me. Says “no,nope, not doing it” etc over and over or makes obnoxious sounds. I can’t even get two words into my sentence so he doesn’t even really know what I want to talk about. It’s so aggravating!
I have tried asking him to let me know when he’s ready to talk. He says he’s ready and then the behavior starts all over again. This is important stuff I need to talk about, like school assignments and I’m losing my patience! My tendency is to walk away and leave him alone. Which is his goal in the first place and as a result of school work is suffering and I feel powerless.
Ideas?
Written by
JoeyDavey
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JoeyDavey- thanks for posting this. I just know that with my 13 year old, I must check Google classroom daily. There is no discussion. Show me your to do list and show me your done list. There is no discussions, I will reward you when all of your work is done and handed in. Until then there is no TV, electronics.
I would recommend this thinking... Children with ADHD are about 2 years younger than there age, so they do not have the ability to "juggle" it all. Even though they will tell you they do.
If your son is not using google classroom, ask that you be included in all work with his teachers directly. Google Docs is wonderful set up a doc for assigned and done and share it with the teachers so everything is accounted for.
Do you have a 504 plan for him in school, this could be added so that you make sure that the things assigned get done.
Hope this helps..
One last question, did he use an agenda pre-Covid? To write down all assignment?
Our son is using a weekly planner so it is electronic and the teacher can see it.
I know how frustrating it is but it is almost like you can't believe what they say.
Big hugs, I have a million resources if you need them let me know.
Thanks. You are right, I need to assert myself more. I hate the conflict, but this isn’t working. Today I communicated with his teachers directly instead of asking him, which felt like going backwards in building independence, but as you said, he is not at the same level my daughter was at this age, even if he thinks so. Checklists and reminders and routines are just ignored. So I end up stepping in more than I want, usually behind his back, so I don’t get flack from him... otherwise I am now realizing the work isn’t getting turned in! I guess independence will have to come later.
I know what you are going through, but what I have learned is that I can not compare our son to the independent level of another child ( with or without ADHD). Now that you know what is needed from the teachers the conversation can change to "show me the competed work", then we go from there.
It is SO easy to get into the discussion circle... we don't have time for that. Now going forward the conservationist are about work that is finished.. not the guessing game about what has to be done.. promise you this will save him from the "f" cycle... He gets the assignment, doesn't complete it, lies to you about it, the F comes in then we are begging the teacher to give him another chance... such heartache.
No worries the independence will come( at some level).. someday. That is another discussion.
I just wanted to say that I am 22, I don't have kids, but as someone who had a very hard time in school as a kid I thought I could just say that it can get better. When I was a kid in Montessori I was a handful to say the least. I am now in my last year of college and very independent (or at least try to be :)) While they might not see it now having you help them as much as you are will help to instill good skills for the future when they are more independent. It does get easier for you but for the kid, it is always just as hard, they just get better at coping. If you need any advise from a kid, well young adult, with ADHD feel free to reach out. I am happy to answer what questions I can.
I'd like to add that the independence you want to give him is a something he has to build for himself, and though it might not seem like it to you, ADHD needs less wiggly overwhelm, more structured bullet points, exactly to build that independence ... because once they realize they can control any confusion themselves with simplicity they are less likely to get short-circuited during tasks by emotions like anger or frustration and more likely to know how to ask for help, and what to ask for.
Sometimes, it's the having of "things" to complete in the first place, multiple things that could be done multiple ways, or being asked questions that could be answered multiple ways, that begins the trap. This can happen whether or not they can see all the paths in their head, or have the answers, or not. It's not to say that open ended tasks or questions are always overwhelm triggers, either, it depends on the larger picture. So, helping to chop things down and demonstrate how they can be approached directly and simply, to allow them a greater feeling of control, only seems restrictive in the beginning. With school work especially this all can snowball fast and stress easily compounds. Think if it like any other student's Study Skills class or test paralysis, of that helps.
That is so frustrating! There is a good book called, “How to talk so kids will listen, how to listen so kids will talk” that you may want to check out. I think sometimes our kids tune us out if they feel it’s just another lecture and they interpret as “all the ways I am bad” which of course it absolutely isn’t! I think the above ideas are good too—going around the kid to the teachers, the schedule, the first homework then electronics sort of tweaks that don’t involve a lot of talking but are effective. So tough.
My son doesn't really like to talk or hear me talk for very long. I have to negotiate with him about doing the school assignments. I let him come up with a day the assignments will be done.. I write them down on a piece of paper and I have the due date next to each assignment and let him look at the paper and ask him what day he plans to have them done before the due date and that is what has been working for us. It's been alot less of a battle and the assignments get done. Hope this helps.
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