Hi there, Just wanted to share, my DD is turning 13 tomorrow. It should be a happy day, but she has been so horrid to me, that I was hard pressed to pick up a Birthday cake today. Her Amazon presents are still in the boxes and no party has been planned. I know this sounds harsh, so let me explain. For the last week+ she has decided 'I'm going to teach mom a lesson'...her words, not mine. The lesson I am to learn, as much as I can figure is that she is not to be treated like a 2 year old. The WAY I'm supposed to learn this, is by her flipping me off (yep she uses the correct finger), calling me an asshole and other lovely names. Right now, I am the witch of the east, and my husband Glenda. I won't get into to all that other than to say we see a therapist that has made it clear to my husband that he has to be on the same page with me, and not play 'buddy buddy' with my daughter. We have been using CPS (Collaborative Proactive problem solving) and have had a lot of success. My husband who wants to 'wing' it stepped into one of my CPS session and side-tracked the actual problem I was working on. This was probably the trigger for her current vile state.
So, I was almost used to her vileness, and accordingly hid out at work until late late, to avoid her. Yesterday, I came home hoping she was asleep, but there she stood at the door, waiting for me. I thought, oh great, here we go again. To my surprise, she was entirely human, well mostly human, as I swear I got a glimpse of horns coming out of her head. Anyway, she asked me to help with her laundry. When she was putting it in, she saw a cockroach in the washer. We tried to kill it together and oddly bonded over this poor nasty American cockroaches' murder plot. She even said, 'we are bonding over a cockroach'. I'm like, yeah, I guess we are. The next morning I got up, and she made me breakfast. I said, 'why did you make me breakfast' She said 'because'. not 'because Asshole', just 'because'. I took it.
So, I did buy her a cake and have said we have a lot of things to discuss before she gets privileged back. I pray it does not take another nasty cockroach to get her off the ledge again. Hugs to all! and thanks for 'listening'
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My ADHD son is 25 and occasionally will STILL have some really nasty responses to me. By now, he also apologizes very quickly, but it's taken years for him to mature enough to stop with the rude remarks. But I wanted to give you my advice....first of all, since she's only 13, you probably have a few more years before she's able to really regulate her responses when she's upset or angry. Second - try very very hard not to take it personally. She really doesn't hate you, even though it seems like it at the time. Develop a very thick skin and walk away when things get tense. She will have to argue with herself! Keep your words to a minimum - our kids don't hear much past the first 5 words! And they tend to be over-the-top with their anger - they can go from zero to 500 in a few seconds and say the WORST things. I still cannot believe all the awful things our son said to both of us over the years. I can remember thinking that he was not brought up to yell, curse, and call us names - where did he get that behavior? I don't think it's worth it to try and have a rational conversation about this behavior while it's happening and I'm not even too sure it helps to discuss it afterwards because although my son was sorry, he did it again a week later! It's also helpful to remember that most of the time, your kid doesn't hold a grudge - it's over for them in a few minutes while we are speechless at their behavior and brood about it for days! It's the ADHD brain - immature and impulsive. You can punish immediately by removing a privilege like a phone or computer for the day, but punishment that lasts into the following day or even week never had ANY effect on our kid. It just made things worse for all of us. I know it seems like I am saying that nothing works, but really, keeping our talk to a minimum and walking away from a fight seemed to help the most. She will be fine and this kind of awful behavior will stop, but it will take a few more years!
Thank you! So great to hear from someone who clearly gets it. I truly appreciate your insight and agree with everything you wrote. It is hard to execute what your saying as you know. I have to possess super human emotional control, sometimes I'm pretty good at this, sometimes not so much. It is hard not to say: 'you ungrateful little xyz"... Do you know how lucky you are..blah blah. Like she's going to say, 'oh gosh mom, you're right, I've been so selfish, please forgive me'. Yeah, not happening. One thing that did surprise me about this go, was she did hold a grudge for a week +. She was like a pitbull. The house became an unbearable place to be. Anyway, I'm rambling. Thank you again!
Ohhhh. My. God. Sorry... I know there is so much more to this post, and yes, my daughter is the queen of trying to punish me but then things that are “good” by most standards (ie birthdays) are skipped or miserable thereby punishing her in the process. But. Where I almost started to cry the tears of a fellow sufferer, the daddy daughter dynamic. Like you said, that alone is like years of therapy and cr@p. Constantly begging and reminding her that he and I work together and are one team.... only to have him baby her and almost beg her forgiveness or “get her out” since I look like “I could use a break” then take her to the beach or arcade. Sighhh.... tip of the iceberg. And yup. I am the witch. I know that waking up each day and feel reminder every hour we are together. But he is there to wave wands and hugs and make it all better. For her.
Interesting that you have a similar situation going with the dad. I feel like I have taken time ....like years to decorate for this huge gala and my husband just wants to show up and drink the booze. I've pushed for diagnosis, research meds, found psychiatrist, therapists, schools, camps, numerous parenting systems, etc etc etc. Hell, I even was a girl scout troop leader so I could keep an eye on my daughter and ensure she didn't get booted. It was fun, but I am not the 'troop leader' type..as I digress. Anyway, I'm guessing you are in same boat where you have done the hard work and he is getting the attention and love b/c you are trying to be a parent and not a friend. I gotta say, the last two therapy sessions my husband and I had were game changing. We went without my DD, b/c she refused to go. It was so great to unload to the therapist about how I think we got here (DD's current dug in position). She did not mince words and told my DH that he and I needed to be on the same page and keeping a 'friendly' rapport with my DD when she is swearing at me, is not ok. Just saying , 'don't do that', isn't enough. She's gotta think he is shutting off commo, so she is forced to come around. Otherwise, she doesn't need to change and be human to me, she has good old dad. It really only took a day or two of him shutting down for her to come around. I really think he dislikes conflict so much that he will do anything to avoid it, even if the conflict is a normal part of parenting. My other theory is, I'm a pretty strong female, and probably make most the decisions. I see dad being a tad subservient to her, like that's his comfortable role in the home with the woman. For example: I will say, DD please get some milk, while he will get it for her. It's a little thing and by itself not a problem. But it all the time and everything. It makes me cringe at how this is making her dependent on him for simple things she should be doing herself at this age. I have seen my DH lose his S(*h*( when she acts out at 1/10th the scale of how she acts toward me. No doubt I have some parenting skills to work on, and I don't handle my
DD the best at times when I'm getting balls of nasty thrown my way. But I'd love to see how he'd handle the 24/7 abuse if the shoe was on the other foot. Well, no I really don't want to see that..it would be bad.
One last thing the therapist said, that helped a lot: She said, when he has this chummy rapport with her, it feels like bullying to me. Like I'm in high school again and the cool kids have a secret club I'm not a part of. It's really not that bad, but that helped get the point across to my husband, that he and I have to stay aligned. If we have a disagreement about how to handle a situation, we need to go into another room to discuss it. Better to discuss and have a plan BEFORE talking to DD, but sometimes things come up that were not expected. Anyway, sorry for the ramblings...hope your 'Disney Dad' comes around.
Wow.... I don’t even know what to say as I for the first time ever feel actually heard and understood, rather than it just being smiled off with, “its she just a cute daddy’s girl” and such.
I would love to somehow without ME planning, scheduling and forcing it to be in a session with a Ther that would be able to voice all that yours did. Which I know is still all just a starting point, but still..... and for DH to really hear what’s said as my reality that he can help. The parent/friend line is non existent. And yup, she has a personal server in him too - never has to get a drink, snack, pretty much anything for herself. And of course I am a monster for always pointing out that if she never ever helps herself she is missing out on practicing to be a competent adult. I mean honestly, she won’t even brush her teeth at night unless he is by her side to keep her company or something. We have no adult time. Ever. Because it is like they are the priority relationship. And it’s not for lack of me speaking out over and over and yes, sometimes loosing it. Which then he again needs to stick even closer to my DD because “mommy is being mean/scary” or whatever. And yep, it does feel like they are one “clique “ and I would typically try to just nurse my feelings and recollect myself next to my incredible best buddy, my dog (he was my first baby as I went through infertility and then the adoption process ). But he passed away a few months back. To me, my team of one place is even more painful, lonely and maddening in my seat. I could go on for years on this area. It really is a terrible way to live. It gets harder and harder to keep waking up and showing up day after day when by all over views, they would not only do good with or without me, but it seems it would even be more pleasant without me. As a full time mom doing the behind the scenes stuff (from IEP, ensuring she does any self care at all ..shower etc... to cooking the meals she refuses, and so on) it really cuts at me hard.
Everything you just said mirrors my thoughts and my life. It was and still is hard to comprehend how he can’t see how it all makes me feel. The satisfaction of being the favorite outweighed a marriage and trust of a best friend/spouse.
Quick update: She has come around..thank God. The presents stayed in the Amazon boxes for her birthday, but we had a small cupcake with a candle. She decided she would pretend it wasn't her birthday and that we would celebrate this weekend...if she managed to show a amount of respect. Not looking for perfection, just no swearing or other abusive language. So far so good.
I was just reading back through this mostly to comfort myself again that I am not the only one living in a house as the third wheel. With school back.... I really would rather just own the fact that I’m not in the cool kid club, and just sit this year out. Buuuttttttt... instinctively I cannot- I need to mother!!
Anyhow, wanted to check on how birthday went back when you were writing this? Just for comparison, my daughter (turned 12 on March 5) got angry (on the morning of her actual birthday), “showed me!” And to punish me she though she would put every gift we had given her maybe 20 minutes earlier in my room to show she was mad and didn’t want them (?!?). So, just to keep updated, they still sit untouched as she left them, in a bag at the bottom of my closet. Never mentioned again..... EXCEPT by my DH (huh!) asking if I can get them so he can use them together with her..... I cannot imagine why it takes work to stay where I am (in every definition of “where I am”), and struggle to find peace or happiness constantly.
Since posting this it seems more moms are posting about feeling the same. There's a dad who posted, as he is the 'good guy' recently. Very interesting. As for my situation, it did go south, of course, and the birthday presents are still in the trunk of a car, in Amazon boxes bc she doesn't care either. So, yep, she is still volatile. But....I gotta say my husband is trying to be on same page, and slowly, like snail pace slow, things are improving. We have rules about not discussing if she can or cannot do or have something in front of her. We have a word: banana, which means go away and talk about this away from her. He is still in large part oblivious to her actions and how she's trying to buddy up with him. I don't know, it's hard, sucks but I feel like we are making forward progress. Right now, I'm hanging out with my daughter watching Alone (our show). In also endured a 20 min mind numbing video on how to make clay charms. This is huge progress. I will say, your dh doesn't sound as aware of his actions. Will he agree to see a therapist with you? That was really the turning point with us. But, everyone, every relationship is different. He just may never get it. My heart hurts for you. We have decided to go on a family retreat, wilderness type with counselor for fall break. I have the option of just my daughter and I or the three of us. I'll post more about it, bc it took me forever to find someone who did this sort of thing. Message me your email, we can chat offline. Hang in there, it's hard, but if it helps write a letter to your future daughter and tell her what's going on. I keep an on going keep note with my feelings, thinking one day she will need to hear my struggle, and that I was not the bad guy and only have her best interests in mind. Hugs.
My grandson does this when he is upset. His therapist said when I reply or argue with him I am feeding into what he wants, a reaction that he is upsetting me because he is upset for whatever reason. So I am trying to walk away and ignore when he gets nasty or try to answer matter of factly telling him that his words are inappropriate and then walk away,like it is not getting me upset. Hard, hard, hard to do! But I noticed it does take the wind out of his sails.
Great advice. Hard to do, imo. It really is about power, I think. My kid pokes me for a reaction. Reaction=she has the power to change my emotional state. no reaction/walk away = I'm in control of my emotions, not you. Also, I'm not attending this fight. The more I see it thru the lens of her wanting power, the more her motives are clear and easier to disfuse.
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