Hi, I am a mom of a 7 yr old boy who just got diagnosed with adhd. I have went to classes for parents and I have read the book taking charge of adhd. But still need advice and help.
My 1st question is how do I help my son control his anger? He dont get violent he just yells and storms away. When he gets mad he just tunes out he cant hear me talk he just shuts down.
Hi there. First question is he on any meds for ADHD? When my child was first put on meds they put him on Adderall and that made him very angry we quickly realized that it was his meds. We changed him to concerta and an anti anxiety med and it really helped him a lot. We also found an amazing behavior therapist that specializes in coping strategies, etc. Our insurance covered a few therapists but they were not great, the therapist we have came highly recommended and we pay out of pocket. It’s expensive but worth it! I hope telling you some of our journey can help. Take Care.
No he is not on medication. I'm trying not to use medication right away I want to work with him to control on his own. I was going to call the therapist that we took the classes with to see if I could talk to her to see if I could do something different for him. Our insurance only covers so much as well.
HI! Welcome to the group... you aren’t alone!
My son is now 13, diagnosed in 1st grade. He has a terrible issue with anger... he calls them his volcanos.
Now, he’s so much better, and can talk about it. That came with a little maturity, a little therapy, a little medicine and a lot of trying on his part!
I think we might be a little different than most families, cuz I expect my kids to talk... a lot. They have to explain their behaviors to me and the why behind them.
So, we sat and talked when he wasn’t angry as to WHY he gets angry. I told him that every time he gets angry, I promised not to say anything but to just hug him. Then, when we were both passed the high emotions part, then we would discuss what was making his volcanos come out.
Worked like a charm when he was younger.... as he got older and more mature, he didn’t need as many hugs, and was able to say that he needed a minute to think. Or I need to have a 5 minute break. It paved the way for some great conversations as he’s grown up.
Ask your child, why does he get angry? Does he WANT to be angry? What would HELP him when he is angry?
He might surprise you! We all want love/support when we are upset.
Goodl luck, and we are all here rootin’ for ya!
I tried to hug him or just be near him but that just makes it worse. He pushes me away and gets angrier so I just stand there. I want to hug him but he dont want to be touched when he is angry. Normally he is a very touchy little boy. What I try now is to walk away or have him go to his room. It seems to help then he calms down and he talks to me about what made him angry.
VolcanoMom - You are more helpful than you know. I love every piece of this advice and will do my best to start implementing your method. I believe my explosive little guy will respond to this. Thank you SO much for sharing your experience.
I think you should praise him for walking away from the situation. I know it might sound a little stupid as he still screaming but I think it great he actually walking away. We are still in the process of teaching our son that now. Once Jax’s has calm down in our house we then go and. Talk to him about what made him angry and I ask him to give me better solutions of how he could of handle that situation it kinda make him feel a bit more in control as well.
I will try! It will be hard I dont get angry with him but I do feel upset. I try to hide what I'm feeling to help him. My husband will explodes with him and yes it makes it so much worse so I step in and have my husband walk away. Once he calms down he will talk to me about what made him mad and angry.
I agree that you don't want to engage him when he's having his moment. My son had plenty of them when he was that age. I found the key was for me to be EXTRA calm and patient and give him time to cool down. Over time, he was able to cool down a lot quicker. His mom would get mad right back at him and it would just escalate the situation. I think me being calm didn't give him any fired up emotions to feed off of and showed him how you can be calm in a frustrating situation. He still is not good at talking about his feelings but he is much better at controlling them and fewer outbursts. I'm sure some of that is maturity as he is 10 now. Hang in there and good luck!
I try to keep as calm as I can. My husband will engage and get angry with him. That's when I step in and have my husband walk away. After he yells then he will come back and talk to me he sometimes still gets upset but he dont yell he will start crying.
Everyone is this tread is right- it’s a little thing of it all and it’s taking one piece each week to implement. I think it’s important, when he is calm and receptive, to discuss what the plan will be when he is angry and having an outburst. Let him know you will give him his space but you will check up on him to make sure he’s safe. When the next incident occurs he will understand that you aren’t ignoring his anger but you aren’t going to participate. Once he has calmed down let him discuss what happened- what that trigger was and let him provide a solution that he could implement in the future and the timing of the implementation (help him through that portion until he gets the hang of it) at the same time you may be learning about sensory input items that trigger him or frustrations you were unaware of- I made assumptions that my son was being a brat because he didn’t get his way and learned that many times it was about not feeling heard. Once you see any improvement in those moments- praise it in the cool down stage. Sometimes it’s hard to give positive feedback when you may still be cooling off but dig deep for positive points (I saw you calmed down quicker than yesterday- I was really proud of you for that). Lastly, find something that he values, for my son it is his tablet time. It is limited so if a melt down is lasting 40+ minutes (in the beginning) than I would take 5 min, 10 min, etc. in the beginning he lost privileges for over an hour and would scream even more but once he calmed down he was disappointed in how much he had lost. The next time he would get it together sooner and the next time sooner than the last time. This is a very beneficial tool when in public- nowadays the tantrums are few and far between and I still use the time tool for when he is teetering on the edge- it brings him back down because he values something and knows that I will stick with the repercussions for negative behaviors.
We have worked with a LMFT who specializes in play therapy which has been amazing. We have also had him in and out of OT which was beneficial in teaching him the “Zones of Regulation” color chart which helped tremendously. I don’t know what I would do without that education and assistance.
My son is 8 now and is on a non stimulant.
Remember to be kind to yourself through all this as well! 
Highly recommended is a book called Delivered from Distraction. I just started it and it’s worth the $7 on Amazon unlike all of the other books I’ve bought, started and tossed.
Thank you I will look into the book!
Hi and welcome to the group. Anger and frustration are very common problems for children and adults with ADHD. I know you say you're not interested in having your son take medication and have already reached out to a therapist but there is proof that meds are effective along with counseling which this article highlights, bit.ly/2D4LKSI.
There is another book mentioned in the article and from what I understand it's been effective at shedding more light on the anger/aggression issue and why certain interventions are often necessary. Hope this helps. Blessings my friend.
Thank you
Try mindfulness exercises. Not only has it helped my 8 year old learn calming techniques but I have learned a lot more about him and his day. I like following:
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