Perfect storm

[Eataash]

My 12 year old daughter with diagnosed ADHD and my undiagnosed husband who has anxiety get into arguments and get into shouting matches. I feel helpless. The arguments are over minor things and it just escalates so quickly that I can’t seem to be able to get either one of them to back down. My husband can not control his temper and just takes me he bait of reacting to minor things. Minor things like not giving up the iPad in the first request and trying to negotiate. He just loses it and she doesn’t back down either. Been in all kinds of therapy for soooooo long. Any thoughts?

[Onthemove1971]

Eataash- happy mother's day. Do you think he would do online parenting classes with you? Also do you think he would go over the symptoms of ADHD?

In our house as soon as our son and husband start to argue I say, " ok.ok.that is enough" and I try to remove our son to his room so it doesn't contuine.

I away think that my husband really believes whatever is happening. The big issue is when our son's medication has worse off he argues and doesn't do what is asked the first time.. but we know this is a symptom of ADHD.

Hope this helps.

[Crunchby]

OMG, that was me. It still makes me crazy when she doesn't listen the first time, but I've controlled my reaction about 90% of the time now. So, I think it was a combination of things. I read and implemented Kazdin method for parenting the defiant child and Total transformation. Both work well together for older kids. Both use positive opposites. So, focus on what behavior you want, eg.. listen and respond the first time, and reward it. Don't punish not doing it. The child earns points, so not doing it turns into a punishment since it will result in less points to spend on things your child values...eg, time on iPad. Much more to it, you really have to read, and you both have to be on board. So, keeping his eye on long term behavior goal will keep you out of the daily battles so you can win the war. The other thing that helps is something her/our counselor said, 'you can't reason with a monkey that's mad and throwing poop'. That's how we think about our daughter when she is ramping up. We will text poop emojis. Good luck!!!

[Eataash in reply to Crunchby]

What would you if had two monkeys throwing poop😥

[Crunchby in reply to Eataash]

Buy two cages. 😀

[anirush]

Long ago I got my husband to back off when my daughter was having problems. Now I only get him involved with my grandson if things get too far out of control for me to handle.

Counselor told me long ago to pick my battles or everything was going to be a battle. I try to keep that in mind.

Therapy has helped me realize what is important to put my foot down on what is OK to let go. I hope your husband would agree to go and talk to someone with you and your daughter.

[MaudQ]

I’m going to be a little bit blunt. Ever since my kid was diagnosed with anxiety and ADHD, I’ve felt really different about grownups who have their own issues but won’t get diagnosed or deal with it. And, believe me, I have a lot of adults in my immediate family who fit that bill. What helped me was individual therapy for myself. It really helped me identify areas where I needed to be more assertive - and also where I needed to let go a little bit. And again this is going to sound kind of blunt, but I really did sit my husband down and say I feel like we are not co-pilots right now. And I feel alone because you aren’t dealing with your issues and that distracts you and leaves me alone to manage these situations. He really heard it and has made big changes. But I don’t think I would have had the guts to ask for it if I hadn’t done therapy for myself first. Good luck!

[Eataash in reply to MaudQ]

Thank you for your insight. Unfortunately been there and done that especially when one’s spouse has the same issue as my child and has been to several therapies. Spent $24000/year on various therapy. Individual, couples, parenting classes, etc...

[MaudQ in reply to Eataash]

It’s so hard - I really sympathize. I have multiple adult family members who won’t acknowledge their own mental illnesses. How do you get an adult to be responsible for their own issues? I don’t know. For me, therapy for myself was the only way to figure out where to start drawing that line. But I totally get it if you’ve been there and done that. I have a lot of friends whose husbands also have the same issues as their kids. And the magic formula is different for everyone. It’s some kind of combination of putting your foot down on some things and letting go of others. But it’s so different for everyone. And sometimes, sadly, partners really aren’t up for the job. Good luck!

[KMLMPLS]

First- sorry - this sucks. I'm with MaudQ, he's the adult and has to deal with his issues. She is not an adult and the reason she freaks out is because he's freaking out...one of the two people who is supposed to generally make sure everything is okay for her is throwing a tantrum too and it's scary to kids. I say this as a wife of a husband who was JUST diagnosed with ADHD and a 7-year old son who was diagnosed last August. I too, have had blunt conversations because my husband and son tended to butt heads too. Obviously...they are the same person. But my husband is the adult and he needs to manage his OWN emotions...our son can't manage his too. Our son can barely (if at all!) manage his own.

Also, your husband needs to really educate himself (if he hasn't already) on how ADHD impacts her and how he can help and not make it worse. There is no doubt she is hyperfocused when she is on a screen...all kids are in a trance when on a screen but ADHD kids go deeper into that trance. When screen time is up we have to go over to our son, put a hand on his shoulder and tell him screen time is over. We literally have to pull him out. Despite the loud timer that is going off...he really doesn't hear it. Now, our son isn't perfect and we get frustrated when we have to ask a few times but it doesn't result in WW III.

It should also help him to understand that kids with ADHD (and him as an adult) get a dopamine rush when they argue. But as you are already experiencing...this causes long term damage and is really stressful for everyone involved. We try and shut down the arguing before it starts. We use Magic 1-2-3 which is a parenting system (in a book) that works REALLY well for our son. It's a CALM and measured approach to stopping obnoxious behavior and starting good behavior.

And as someone else mentioned, rewards are also a good way to go because ADHD kids are not as internally motivated, they need external motivation and rewards help significantly. And it's the carrot approach which feels better for everyone rather than the stick approach.

You can see he's not doing his part to help her even if it's hard for him. Stick to what you feel in your gut and fight for her. We all lose our cool and yell sometimes, but kids want to feel safe and when their parents have tantrums...it's scary for them.

[Eataash in reply to KMLMPLS]

Thank you!

[HeathersWellness]

Hi and happy belated Mother's Day. It sounds like your son's diagnosed ADHD and your husband's undiagnosed ADHD have created quite a stir in your household. I know the frustration of not being able to maintain peace in your home no matter which way you turn. A very helpful online resource outside of this support group is published by an organization called CHADD (Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder) -- chadd.org. There are links to local support groups and cover just about every topic related to ADHD.

By the way, what you have just described is not uncommon in families living with ADHD but it's not a reason to lose hope. Therapy may still be appropriate and help out in various ways as could some coaching from someone trained and experienced childhood and adult ADHD. There have been many success stories coming from parents who've gone through coaching with their children and themselves. Continue to seek support and don't give up. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Blessings to you!