12 year old with ADD

[mdpadberg]

My son is 12 and I am struggling to find ways to help him become more independent and make better choices. I feel like he is constantly being punished even though I hold back on punishing him for minor infractions.

[Hidden]

Hi,

I think it's great that you're working toward him having more independence! In terms of choices and punishment, I think the more you let him experience natural and logical consequences, the better result you'll see in terms of him making better choices.

Here is a link to an article I wrote about this that you might find helpful: parentcoachjoyce.com/teen-s...

Joyce Mabe

parentcoachjoyce.com

[Klmitche in reply to Hidden]

How would you suggest motivating a young child to have better behavior who says they don’t care and doesn’t understand the consequences of their behavior.

[seller]

What do you punish him for? Not doing chores? Schoolwork? I would try and flip the system to rewards instead of punishment. If he doesn't clean his room, then he loses a privilege instead of getting an actual punishment. It is true that ADHD kids seem to get punished a lot and I know it leads to negative feelings about many things, including themselves.

[mdpadberg in reply to seller]

He doesn't do homework assignments and then they pile up and then he starts lying about them... He sneaks food into his room, steals from his brother and sister...

[seller in reply to mdpadberg]

Is he on meds for ADHD? That's the first thing - he needs help with his poor impulse control. You may need to check his book bag daily for homework. Or ask for reduced homework, if he has an IEP. I am sorry to say that I advise locks for doors or cabinets/desks. Reduce the temptation if at all possible. The same goes for the food; or you may have to do a room check nightly. Teens often trash their rooms, even if they don't have ADHD! I used to find homework all over the house - under the couch cushions, crumpled up in the trash can, etc. The worst part was that some of it was completed and never got turned in! It sounds awful to say, but we had to lower our expectations substantially for the teen years. Otherwise, it was all-out war at our house.

[mdpadberg in reply to seller]

He is on medication. What's an IEP?

[seller in reply to mdpadberg]

It's an Individualized Education Plan for your child with special needs. If your son is formally diagnosed with ADHD, then he qualifies for this plan, which the school sets up and follows (hopefully). He can get reduced homework, more time to take tests, help with note-taking, and lots of other accommodations. Sometimes tutoring is provided, or a resource room. Get on your computer and look up "Whats the difference between and IEP and 504 Plan?" There's a great chart that explains it all. And then call the school and set up a meeting with his counselor.

[mdpadberg in reply to seller]

Thank you

[anirush]

Forget your ADHD child is probably two to three years behind his peers in maturity .

And remember to pick your battles.