14 yr old with ADHD

[Jbrunell]

I have a 14 yr old son with ADHD and these past couple of weeks hes been crazy. During the day hes fine with his meds but at night is when he starts getting crazy even with his meds for night. I never hit him and try to stay calm with him but last night I was so fed up with his mouth and him and and my 10 yr old son fighting and hitting each other. I actually his my oldest one. I feel terrible but I just cant handle the fighting anymore. My husband helps me but the 2 of them bump heads and then they start fighting. What can I do the stop the fighting everyday?

[Hidden]

First of all BIG HUG. I lost it the other day too. I didn't hit, just yelled a lot and cried and broke down. letting it all pile up can lead to consequences that aren't good for anyone. Can I ask if you guys are in counseling? Also one thing that recently helped me was getting a booster for my daughter that lasts into the night. It has helped with the wearing off of the daytime meds.

[Pennywink]

I’m sorry to hear that! Parenting ADHD is definitely a struggle, as much as we love our kids. We’re currently figuring out our evenings when the meds wear off, as well. But at least the kids aren’t hitting each other yet.

Counseling could be helpful for you. Also, perhaps parent training. Some therapists and behavior health centers offer it, and may have some great suggestions for handling siblings.

Though most parent training isn’t ADHD specific, certain types have been proven to be very effective with ADHD. Here’s a link with more info.

childmind.org/article/choos...

[BlueAndGoldWarrior]

Hi there! There's how and things will get better but first :

I have two boys too. I had brothers and we would fight all the time but our parents fought too. I'm not sure what's both of you guys cultural backgrounds but it makes a huge difference.

Fighting with the children or in front of them is not good and it teaches children to sort problems by fighting. Hitting will get them into a lot of trouble. Now they are still young-ish but soon they could get into serious trouble and get their life ruined so... seek professional support if fighting and hitting is already part of the family communication style.

Remember that not all is ADHD. Anywhere in the world, boys, one teen and one pre-teen is a three in one combination *enough* to get a lot of horse playing and, yes, fights! And this is normal.

I would NOT increment medication as its pretty bad on its own and the long term side effects are pretty rough and, in many cases, still being researched.

For school, where's there's no other way, it's almost ok. For after school, sports, martial arts, or any other extra activity the child shows interest in, SHOULD be pursued.

Also, simple separation works wonders! One doing homework and one playing outside, or one in soccer and one in music, one helping dad and one helping mom, the neighbour, etc, etc.

My eldest boy changed a lot by having a little job: a paper route. Gave him responsibility and exercise as he's not sporty... It was not easy but he loved the fact of earning his own money and buying little things for himself and then for his brother

Get them TIRED : For inside the home, a little trampoline, a walking machine and a fixed bicycle made wonders for us! I still don't own a big trampoline but they would spend Hours in one if we did...

EXERCISE is key for ADHD. The lack of exercise in ANY TEEN boy's is HELL , as they will FIGHT the excess of energy off.

Family team work, real or virtual, works REALLY WELL. What worked better for us, as we don't own our own business or go on vacation often, it was Family Minecraft Nights. Minecraf is an amazing little video game that is even used in schools to teach children logic. We all have it in our cellphones and the four of us explore worlds and do team WORK. (one ges wood, the other builds a bridge, two get animal reared in, we all go mining together or help each other out, etc) It has done wonders for us that it would take a whole book to explain... Try it. If you own android phones then you pay it only one time ($8) if you guys are set up as a family. I don't know how it's for iPhone but whatever the cost, it's worth it.

I don't know your religious background but I've noticed that religious groups for teens and preteens have lots of fun activities and always bring something valuable about morals and behaviors. While I'm not a Mormon, in my humble opinion and my experience with different Christian and not Christian groups, there's no better group for boys or girls as they fill them up with volunteer jobs and activities that are fun and engaging and clasic. If you don't have any Mormons near, ask in their website. Any other Christian groups will do but most are just twice a week or once a week thing at most with little discipline. For direction and discipline, the Mormons are the best. I will be forever grateful for the help and direction they provided to my boys. Sadly we moved away and now is too far from us. It was so much fun that my husband will join them too when all the men would go camping together!

And if it is time to take a vacation, do it. My boys get much better after each family vacation we take, even if it's for 3 days or two weeks, once a year, it gives them a real sense of helping each other out (including helping us, the parents) and keeping each other safe. They become better brothers each time. And no medication!!! Ah... The WONDERS of motivation!!!

On a sad note that it's important to bring up, when my eldest boy commented (because he felt like I hated him and that he was causing too many problems to the family) that he had thought of killing himself, I got a REAL wake up call about what would I be willing to do, change, quit, pay for, etc, to make him HAPPY and prevent such an unimaginable disgrace... All of the "impossible" things like: giving him a break from school quitting and going for a vacation him and I seemed not only possible but also like NOTHING and I couldn't care less for anything else...

Children with ADHD suffer a lot as they see the difference and target themselves as the source of family problems. This is a very dangerous state of mind and we have to do all we can to encourage them, celebrate their every tiny success, and yes, minimize as much as possible and really choose our battles when complaining about their poor decisions as these are the ones that hit them the most.

Saying "I love you", "I would not change you even if I could" and "I'm so proud of you" and mean it, go a very long way.

God bless you and your boys.

Please keep us posted of what you try and how it works.

PS: I almost forgot... diet makes a huge difference for kids like ours. Keep a food diary and start finding culprits!

[susanv1994]

I understand how you feel. Remind yourself there are no perfect parents. We all do the best that we can. We all make mistakes.

Sibling fighting is hard, through in ADHD, and well it is just one more thing to create havoc. The jealousy is overwhelming. Even giving our kids identical gifts there is jealousy. One is gifted the other is the ADHD, Dyslexic, and has AS. Both need special attention. Both feel as if the other is getting more attention. Counseling, reading up on parenting skills; helps but doesn't end it. Have you considered joining a support group? Sometimes just having a non-judgmental ear helps. One thing that is important is you have to take care of yourself and the marriage relationship, it is so much easier to cope when those things are as important as your children. Perhaps CHADD can help you find resources. Remind your that there are no perfect parents. You do the best you can every day. Perhaps this test 7 traits of effective parenting bit.ly/2UT4UnF

[JkBrauer]

I am sorry for the tiring relentless trying times you are going through every day with your son. I work with all kinds of troubled and special needs kids. I also grew up as one of these kids, I know how their minds think because I had been there too. The one thing I tell parents who have ADD/ADHD kids - your kids want to do what is right, but their mind cannot process what you want them to do so easily. You as a mother have to get down to your child's level and ask them some questions - even if it means you going and jumping around with them. Take a break and get a glass of water and take the opportunity to ask your child your questions. Now, this might take some time, but you should have kind of an idea of how your child is thinking. Now, it is your turn, you get to pick some kind of activity to play while you are talking to your child and you can tell her/him how you are feeling - thinking and let them know why you are disciplining/ setting the rules and boundaries for them. Then come together as a family and see if you can come to an agreement that will work for you all. Remember, these get are very smart and active. Be creative in how you respond, learn to read their body language and take interests in their likes and dislikes. There is a link I would like to share with you for a store/ program that has a lot of resources that can help you find great resources and ideas to help you and your family.

Ages 13-18 | Focus on the Family This link will take you anywhere you want to go in the site to look for parenting help. They have a store, podcasts, reading material and much, much more. I hope you can find help here.