Walking a tightrope as I parent my child with ADHD and Anxiety

[Figureskater50]

I always knew my daughter was different, right from the womb. Not better or worse, just different. People tried to normalize her activity level, her issues with socialization, and her fears as "all kids have fears" but I knew she was different right from the get go.

So now that we have a formal diagnosis I am in the process of deciding whether to medicate for the ADHD symptoms, which is a dilemma in itself. ( I am convinced she is also gifted, but as we don't have benefits there is no way I can afford a psycho educational assessment right now.

I am a single parent. I work three jobs and home school my daughter because attending normal school became untenable....she suffered bullying and difficulties through out her first three years until grade 1, so much that her physical symptoms of school avoidance, tummy aches, nightmares, outbursts, and constipation were dominating our lives.

Then, my amazingly brilliant child who I couldn't keep up with at home in regards to her curiosity and thirst for knowledge was suddenly behind in everything when the education style moved from learner driven to curriculum driven in grade 1.

It's been a ride, and I couldn't love my daughter more. She is brilliant, and funny, and a true performer, and a caring and sweet little girl.

And she is exhausting. And I feel guilty for feeling exhausted by her...it's a never ending cycle...lol. ( I laugh because if I cry I will never stop, and laughing is better)

My daughter is a competitive dancer, and here is my dilemma. We have been been four years at the same dance studio. She has been competing on the performance group for 3 of those years. She has been a performer from birth and she shines when she is in the spotlight.

I have also found that she does better socializing in her dance group because they are all there for a common goal and they have constant direction in their lessons, so it is easier for her to read social cues and navigate the landscape.

Not to mention the outlet for her creativity and energy is a godsend.

But there are issues. My daughter is hypersensitive, and always has been. Things that would not bother other kids will bring her to tears and she will fixate on them for weeks.

Several of her instructors give feedback in ways that I do not deem appropriate.

Now, a little background on me. I am a national level figure skating coach with a degree in Kinesiology. I have been coaching for 30 years and my life's work has been all about learning how to teach young students, and how to give feedback. I have lost count of the papers I have written and the other coaches I have mentored in terms of helping them learn how to coach young athletes, and I myself never stop learning and trying to better myself and how I teach my skaters.

So I know what I am talking about when I see feedback given in a manner that is not conducive to building self-esteem.

And I feel that the teachers need to be aware that some of their dancers are not good with always being told negative things with no positive to balance them, or being singled out publicly when they are corrected.

This is hard to handle for a neurotypical athlete, let alone an athlete with my daughters issues.

I have emailed constructive feedback, asking for some compromise in how feedback is given. I have also worked consistently with the studio in terms of sharing my daughters issues and her diagnosis. I have given them a wonderful website with a list of coaches strategies for working with athletes with ADHD and anxiety, and I have countless one on ones with the instructors. I have bought private lessons for my daughter to help her with the smaller details of dance and her focus (group lessons are hard for her due to so much going on).

The problem is, nothing is changing. She still feels singled out. She still struggles with the way the instructors teach, and the studio is extremely disorganized. I can never be sure the information I give to the owner/director is being passed down to the teachers. Her private lessons were discontinued due to scheduling on their end, and despite repeated attempts to rebook, because my daughter loves them and they help her tremendously, nothing has been done.

I know that this is likely to be an issue at most dance studios, because from my experience, most coaches are not well-versed on the differences between neurotypical and neuroatypical athletes. If we change studios, it becomes a 45 minute drive to find a new one, and I am already stretched to the limit.

I'm at a loss. I feel like that parent that always has to advocate, and I catch myself wondering how much I have to help her to get accommodations for her issues and how much I should just tell her that there are always different kinds of coaches and you have to learn how to deal with criticism if you want to get better.

We talk about the value of hard-work, goal setting, losing as an opportunity to get better and above all, enjoying the process and having fun ALL the time.

I'm really having trouble finding the balance between mom, coach and dance parent.

Sorry I am being so wordy, I guess I had to get this all off my chest.

Thanks everyone.

[Onthemove1971]

I really appresitate you posting to on the blog, we all learn from each other.

Sounds like a hard balance for you.. A few thoughts, many parents who do not have their children on medication to help reduce their symptoms of ADHD think that the medication will totally change their child’s personality. NO, what happens often ( not always the same for all kids) is that the negative symptoms just go away. There are many behaviors like impulsiveness, talkative, peer interactions and focus that all improve. Their sweet caring personality stays the same, when given the appropriate type, dose and timing. Our son could not be as social and interactive without the medication.

You know the saying.. when one door opens another ones closes.. If this studio is not working any longer, don’t spend an oz more energy and just move on. There will a lot of this when you parent a child with ADHD.. we have to learn to adjust.

Hope this helps!

[Marebear129 in reply to Onthemove1971]

I too think medication is worth a try here. Do a trail for one month and record your observations.

[Marebear129 in reply to Marebear129]

Trial ...

[Onthemove1971 in reply to Marebear129]

If you try and it doesn't work after the correct dose, timing and type it is very easy to stop.

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Wow.. that's a hard one.You sound amazing, and a great parent. I do agree that children like ours that have ADD/ADHD/DD and etc.. are extremely talented,funny and etc. Most people hear these diagnosis's and think otherwise.I notice that when my son is in school he tries to be like the other kids.When he is homw ..in his own element.. hes ingenious.A kid who has trouble in school ALOT.. but can invent things..build them.. and its mind blowing. I think.. go by ur gut.I live by that and fate. If u think helping her with her dance classes would benefit her.. do it. U know ur kid the best.Its others that need to open there minds and ears and learn about what our child deal with n go through on a daily basis.Ya never know.. ur daughter might land up running that class one day!!!