Help!! son doesnt get alone

[jennifer425]

Hello;

My son doesnt get alone with alot of people, like my boyfriend who is not his father they are like water and oil, my son doesnt get that he has to understand he has to be respectfull to adult , my son can be very disrespectful at times , he doesnt want to listen he just want to do things his way ,, his 9 years old acting like his 4 ... most of the time i feel sad because sometimes i scream at him and i dont want to fight anymore but he can get ppl very fustrated. he doesnt not wants to do his chores at home .. his on focalin 10mg before going to school then 5 mgs after lunch.

[Renee1988]

Your son needs to come first in your life, and if he and your boyfriend are like oil and water then you need to break up with the boyfriend. I'm not trying to be flippant or judgemental. Of course you love your son, and I bet you love your boyfriend. I have been there. My son would not be respectful to a boyfriend I had who he disliked. He was a okay with the other two who eventually spent time in our lives, but it was his experience with that one boyfriend was incredibly damaging and set us back considerably. Your goal is raise your kid to be independent, capable and able to move out by 18, and you will get there healthier and faster if you make raising him your priority. And you might find another boyfriend who does not turn your home life into such chaos, intentionally or not.

[jennifer425 in reply to Renee1988]

yes i understand what your saying but for example my boyfriend he doesnt do anything bad to him or whatever my son just keeps disrespecting not listening making a big show for everything then my bf he just try to correct him to tell him what not to do omg and thats a big drama i also have a 7 months old with my bf sometimes my son dont let her sleep etc his constantly screaming ..

[Renee1988 in reply to jennifer425]

Oh, well, if you have another child with your boyfriend then you are in a different position. That child comes first along with your other child. But I will say, I had that kind of relationship--minus the infant--a man who was quite reasonable, but determined to be the authority because that is the dynamic between adults and children. It did not work AT ALL because my child--and I would go so far as to say "kids like these"--don't respond to traditional forms of parenting. They usually backfire, in fact. The only things that have worked for my ex-husband and I--and they do mostly work--is stepping away when he erupted to stop feeding the emotional fire, and to give rewards when merited. He has consequences for bad behavior, but "punishments" per se only rile him up more. It's very, very, very demanding parenting and you will need your boyfriend on board to make it work. In some ways, you are lucky because your infant gives him the added incentive to try to make it work. But it won't just happen. If you want your home life to get better you will need someone to show you different ways to parent because the way most people parent will fail.

[Madmarie in reply to Renee1988]

I’ve been Divorced for 4yrs. I was married to my sons dad 16 very long years. My son is 10, he has ADHD. ODD, and a learning disability. I will admit that it took me getting out of a bad, non supportive marriage to truly help my son. I’ve dated here and there after my divorce, but dating in your mid 40’s is another beast!! I don’t have time for it. My priority is my son. It’s taken one on one time, to figure out what’s working, and what’s not. I’m fortunate I’ve been with the same job for 24yrs. All though I do travel every Mon-Wen. When my son gets out of school on Wednesday’s I get to devote the rest of my week to him, and only him. He’s figured out that my house is consistent, and he gets the stability he needs from me. I do therapy, and he starts behavioral therapy next week. We have bad days, and we have very good days. Right now I’m working with his Dr. to find the right balance of medication. He’s been getting into fights at school, and is just not loving the 4th. grade. I’m hoping and praying, we can figure it out. It’s very hard not having a good co- parenting relationship with his dad. I always tell myself as long as I know that I’m doing everything I can for my son, then I’m at peace. I can’t worry about what is dad, is doing, and not doing. I’m in close contact with all his teachers, and have no problem popping in one of my sons classes if I need to. I have sat in with him during his special ed. classes quite often. I do worry about his future. I do hope to find someone special to come into both of our lives. That person must understand that it’s a packaged deal. He must be mature, enough to handle my 10 year old son, in a kind loving way. Period.

[Ldydy24]

Hi there. You say your son doesn’t get along with a lot of people so it’s not just your boyfriend. Do you have him under the care of a child psychiatrist? If not I highly recommended getting one.

ADHD (especially boys) are very immature. In fact my son’s dr says 2-3 years behind their age. My son can also be disrespectful if he’s not on his ADHD meds and that’s to both of his parents! Once he has meds he’s perfectly fine. Perhaps your son isn’t taking enough meds to help him. The doses you describe are low. My son is 13 now but when he gets as 9 he was taking 10ml with breakfast and lunch, then 5 ml at 3pm to help with homework and transition into the night. If not he was nasty in the evening after the meds wore off.

How does your son do on meds through school? Does it help him and how are his social interactions with his teachers and peers?

Also, do you find the conflicts with your boyfriend occur more often when your son is off his meds or they’ve worn off? I’m married and even my son off meds will try to cause conflict between my husband and I. We’ve even had to go through therapy to help us because children will try to conquer and divide you to get what they want. If your relationship is strong with your boyfriend and you feel he is supportive with your son you both need to stay united and consistent. You always need to let your son know you won’t tolerate the disrespect and there will be consequences if he continues to be disrespectful but also look to get him some additional help and discuss the challenges you are having with your dr. Make note of any patterns with his behavior.

[jennifer425 in reply to Ldydy24]

Yes i have a pediatric psychiatrist and his on focalin 10mgs in the am before going to school and 5 mgs after lunch with the meds the behavior is better in school most of the time ,, but at home even with the med his disrespectfull the thing is he wants to do what ever he wants! everything bothers him if we tell him something he thinks we do it to hurt him when thats not the case, and his only 9 years old

[Ldydy24 in reply to jennifer425]

Definitely have a conversation with your dr and perhaps some counseling would help your son. To me it sounds like he’s trying to be disruptive and maybe be doing to to get attention. You mentioned you also have a baby and he maybe feeling like he’s at the bottom and no one is paying attention to him. You also may want to try another 5 ml later in the day to see if that helps him after school/evening. Again he’s a low dose of meds and may need just a lot tyke more. Also does he get the same medsover the weekend? If not I would recommend trying that as well. Our son needs them.

[Madmarie in reply to Ldydy24]

Great advice.