What has worked for your child with a... - ADHD Parents Toge...

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What has worked for your child with anger outbursts?

Hello all

I am new here. My 6 year old son was diagnosed with ADHD this year, and I’m wondering what has worked for those of you with kids that have occasional anger outbursts. My son has seen two diferente therapist, even before his diagnosis, and I feel like behavioral therapy has not helped at all! I would appreciate any resources . Thank You

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My daughter just turned 8 on the 1st. I haven't been to anyone except for the diagnosis. She has ADHD both kinds, OCD, Anxiety-NOS, and Sensory issue's. She has gotten real angry a few times, luckily at home she throws things, tears things up, breaks things and hits things (mostly the floor or pillow, on occasion me (I tried to step in and calm her). Sorry I am no help but looking for answers also.

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Thank you for responding. It is difficulty trying to navigate through this diagnosis, and figuring out what is bed for our child.

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My son 7 was diagnosed with ADHD last fall. He is on medication.

It depends on the each outburst situation but recent one for my son was watching cartoon, or doing his math work.

I'm not sure if this works for your situation, but I started to use aroma diffuser before we start math work and even put some essential oil mixture on his wrist. We use Bergamot and it really smells nice. Both of us relax and he can go through his work without complaints. It can be cedar or lavender, or anything calms down our system.

My son is a sensory seeker and likes to smell so it works for us. It might not work during his outburst but turning diffuser on at home might reduce outburst. It's just one idea.

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Thank you for your reply! I’ve never tried that, and it sounds like a good idea, and something I am willing to try.

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Welcome to the group! We are here to help you. I am sorry you are struggling with this. Having a child with ADHD and getting things under control is s process. Our child psychiatrist told us %60 of his behaviors can be controlled by medication and %40 by behavior modification.

Both are required to be successful. How successful have you been at trying theses?"

Maybe you could give us an example before we can help you farther.

Take care.

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Thank You! We recently started medication, and I can definitely see a positive difference in his overall well-being . My son does have a difficult time expressing what he needs on a daily basis. But I’ve also noticed that when he does get mad, usually over something small ( example ; not getting what he wants) , he gets extremely upset, and verbally rude, a lot of times he will throw thing or kick the wall . I know how to remove my self in the heat of the moment, or I try to practice breathing with him , really to no avail. He is also disrespectful, and I don’t know what to stop that behavior. Also, consequences are tricky with him. It seems as if consequences don’t do anything.

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This is a great play to start, when you say he has a hard time expressing himself you don't mean he has physical speech issues. You just mean he doesn't want to "come" out and say what is going on inside himself.

I have learned so much from the amazing moms in this group and I know it is really hard to do and not when he is in a full rage, but here is what I suggest. Our boys learn best by role playing, so act something out the right way. It's almost like they don't "see" it until you act it out for them, then explain, when you do this xxx, this happens, but is really best then you do xxx. But you did xxx, you really hurt my feeling.

Our psychologist also asked our son, when you did xxx, how did that go? Then he answered, then he say if you would have done xxx do you think xxx would have happened.

They don't see it so we need to show them by example and see if that makes a difference.

I can't say enough about going as often as you need to counseling to give yoy guys another voice tondiscuss things with, the you are not to blame (especially rhe disrespect).

This is a journey and it will take time. Best of luck.

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Hm, well our son (also 6) hasn’t had outbursts on a level of throwing things or hitting, so he may be a milder case. But here is what helps us:

Figuring out triggers ahead of time. When he was younger we just tried to avoid them, but now he’s old enough to start learning to deal with them.

We talk about the situation during a calm / neutral time, as well as some strategies to help (deep breaths, calming bottle, easy mindfulness activity, finding a quiet space to calm down.) We’ve lately added some role playing, and I’m hoping to make a little basket of calming things & cards of calming activities.

When he’s starting up, I gently remind him of what we talked about. If it starts to escalate, I ask him to find a quiet place to sit (like a Time Out, but I take some of the punishment sting out of it.)

When we’re in the thick of a melt down, if it’s more crying based, I just try to help him calm down. If it’s more anger / disrespectful, I ignore him / send him to his room (a worse case scenario I would lock myself in my room, but we’ve never reached that point.) I gently remind him that when he can treat us kindly, then he can be with us again.

It’s not 100% perfect, but it has helped.

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Great tips! Thank you so much for replying. My biggest thing with my son is, how disrespectful he can get when he is mad. It’s been difficulty trying to navigate through this

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I feel you. Kianna says "you hate me" just because I don't let her watch/play her tablet all night long. It is time for bed, you have school tomorrow, turn it (tablet) off and go to sleep. She starts to cry get upset, says "You hate me", and tries to go and hide instead of going to bed. Her bedtime is 10:00 p.m.. I start sometimes at 8:30 or 9:00 to tell her to get ready for bed. It is a losing battle every night. If I didn't put her P.J. on 99% of the time she wouldn't get them on. Same thing getting dressed for school she won't do it. She doesn't even want to goto school. It has been a rough start to 2nd grade.

Sorry for going on just don't have any support or no one to talk to.

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I have asked for the school phychologist to have a talk with her, but the phychologist said she won't talk to me sdo what is the point. Sad, she won't even try. We have no insurance and make to much to get on any help with anything.

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I totally understand your pain. My 8 year old daughter is the exact same way. She says the same things, I start at 7:30 trying to get her to go to bed because I know it's going to take 2-3 hours for her to finally lay down and go to sleep.

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I use malatonin for both boys and it has made a huge difference, they really need rest, a huge part of being able to function

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I totally understand! Making some accommodations at home for my son's executive functioning deficits (analog clocks & timers, printed checklists, dry erase boards with reminders) surprisingly helped quite a bit with behavior - he wasn't getting quite as frustrated. Focusing more on praise than punishment also has helped, as it has really strengthened our connection, thus he wants to obey / connect more.

But finally, when he is being rude to me, I usually just tell him I will respond when he talks kindly, then ignore him. If it's a minor infraction, I'll just ask him to restate something in a kinder way. It takes a while, but he's starting to catch himself sometimes now. He'll even tell me "I was about to stick my tongue out at you, but then I decided it was rude and didn't do it." Of which I calm tell him that it's a good step, and lets keep working until he doesn't think to do it at all.

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I agree with you 100%. Kiddos w/ adhd have great difficulty w/ transitions; therefore, all the stuff you said defenitley helped by son lash out way less. 🤗

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I'm glad it was helpful! :)

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Hi, I’m new to this site and can totally relate to what you’re saying about the rude behavior! My son has really become rude and disrespectful especially to me when he gets frustrated lately. This is ESPECIALLY true when I first wake him up in the morning! Then we seem to have so much trouble getting moving and ready for school on time. This makes him even more frustrated and angry. ☹️ Thanks for the suggestions! I think I will try the checklists so that I don’t have to keep reminding him to do things and the dry erase for reminders. Any other advice from anyone would be great!!

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Get him a sunrise alarm clock. This is highly recommended by Dr. Ed Hallowell (he's written several great books on ADHD). My son wakes up less grumpy now.

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thanks! That sounds like a good idea. I’ve been thinking about getting my son an alarm clock so that he can be mad at the alarm clock and not me, LOL I’ll check it out. Thanks again!

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I second Onthemove1971's reply. Our therapist has us working on modeling behavior, reframing statements in a positive way, and letting our seven-year-old know when he's hurt our feelings. Asking him to find a quiet space to calm himself used to work really well but isn't working consistently any longer. Sometimes he does it on his own, but if I suggest it he usually escalates. I ignore small infractions and when he is very rude, disrespectful, or trying out swear words, I tell him I'll talk to him when he can speak nicely to me and then I ignore him. This tactic is quite effective but difficult to get into the habit of doing. Well, all of these things are new habits we need to learn if we choose to use them to aid our children! It's not easy. Even though I remind myself of his condition and all the varied effects it is having on him I find it hard at times to keep my cool. My trick is to always begin with a reply that shows no emotion and is in a measured, not angry, voice. I often precede that with a few deep breaths of my own! I've got ADD myself but while that helps me understand his inattention, it really doesn't help with his outbursts and anger. I mean, it's like a switch gets flipped in his mind and he's off to anger-land. We all make mistakes along the way, especially as we try to implement behavior modification strategies. We all love our kids or we wouldn't bother being here, right? So, forgive yourself when you mess up and learn from it, just like you want your child to do. And I do think it's right to apologize to our kids when we mess up. When we model undesirable behavior (I have a potty mouth during PMS!) or even lash out at our kids (parent temper tantrum) I offer a sincere apology. In turn, my son apologizes when he acts badly. Neither of us means to do it, but sometimes it happens because - we're human beings! And neither of us likes how we feel when we get angry or feel out of control so we have actually used that as a point to bond over. I'll take care of me and I'll help my son take care of himself. I make a special effort to catch him making good decisions, especially when I can see that he is making an effort to manage his emotions. He's actually started recognizing when I'm doing the same and he congratulates me! It's far from perfect in my household, but these are some things I've learned along the way and I offer them just in case they may help you as well.

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Thank you all for your input, experiences of what has worked and has not worked!

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I bought my 8 yo son a punching bag. Our therapist said that when he’s in the midst of being angry that isn’t the time to talk about it. I allow him to walk away and hit the punching bag. If he chooses that then he gets it out pretty quickly and we can talk. If he doesn’t and he’s just plain rude he is sent to his room. He is not allowed to be around us and behave that way. It’s not always pretty but generally works better than anything else.

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Such helpful replies we have same issue. Im learning the anger is usually a reflection that he feels hurt in some way and isn’t saying. It’s hard to do, but when I remember that it can really help me get to the bottom of it with him once he has calmed down. So that we can resolve it and not leave it open ended. Agree sometimes space helps to calm down, but I make sure to check in so he doesn’t feel we are isolating him and knows we are there even if he’s not ready yet. My son also growls when he’s angry, not sure if anyone else has that happen? It surprised me a lot at first but now Ive come to see it as his warning sign that something is feeling dysregulated, so sometimes it gives us a chance to nip it in the bud and calm down before it escalates.

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We also use oils and we purchased a punching bag for our son. He loves it and uses it regularly.

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