I'm looking for advice on how to handle the BIG emotions. My 6yo does well most of the time, but he tends to have severe anger outbursts at home, usually around hearing the word "no"
I'm looking into counseling, but in the meantime, I'm lost on how to handle this? I know he loves to get a rise out of us, and the more of a reaction he gets the worse the behavior. However, ignoring him doesn't seem to help either. I've also tried to ackowledge that he is frustrated, assure him that feeling that way is ok. I've tried to redirect, I've tried giving him space, I've tried hugging him. I'm at a loss.
How can I help him cope with or manage these big feelings?
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adhdmom08
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At 6yo our generally sweet and warm daughter became highly explosive, violent and aggressive on occasion. We tried all the drugs, which made it worse. We practiced plan B, avoiding escalation, and faking forgiveness even when we hated her for trying to hurt us. It dramatically improved when she was 8. I tend to think being kind to her during her worst period helped her grow out of it quicker and more completely. So the long view might be hang in there, just be kind even when he's awful. Punishment never ever helped, honestly rewards didn't either, for us.
I am of no real help to you unfortunately, only that my son (who just turned 5) is similar to your daughter but he can be aggressive at home and in a school/day care setting to other children and adults. It’s very difficult to manage and once he’s gotten to that level of anger we just have to wait it out until he can calm down and nothing we do has helped this far. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone.
Man, do I hear you. 6 yo boy, therapy for 1 year + over here, methylphenidate for about a year. I have tried every approach that I have read about and the age is tough because there do have to be limits and consequences but there also has to be the reassurance if being loved no matter what. So I don't have any answers but it's something I negotiate every day, too, and just wanted to you to know that!
I'd love to say that the 18 months of OT, learning to name emotions and practicing coping skills when calm is what turned my kid around but honestly, it was guanfacine. She was the same as your son with explosive outbursts multiple times daily. She also has some speech difficulties so reasoning with her even when calm was an extra challenge.
The book The Explosive Child by Ross Greene was a good read, even though it didn't work with my kid (because of communication) maybe it will work for yours.
"I'd love to say that the 18 months of OT, learning to name emotions and practicing coping skills when calm is what turned my kid around but honestly, it was guanfacine."
Sometimes some of our littles have a hard time with “no” not because they’re defiant but because they are anxious because they don’t understand the reason behind the “no”. Many kids intuitively get social order—do as told by someone with social construct of authority (parents, teachers, big kids) whether or not they understand why. For some neurodiverse kids the social understanding/social order just isn’t there and so the decisions without explanation and understanding seem mean or arbitrary and make them anxious and upset. They need the reason behind the decision to make sense to them.
The more routines (e.g. you get this treat only after this activity) and written/picture schedules you employ, the less “no’s” you have to give as the no’s are expected as part of a routine. As others noted, Ross Greene books (including the lives in the balance website) and the nurtured heart approach are great for our kids. Guanfacine also helps!
You are describing our experience with our almost 7 year old to a tee. His outbursts are almost always around not getting what he wants or having to do something he doesn't want to. He sometimes hits us, always calls us really nasty names, doesn't respond to the things you mentioned, during these outbursts. We have just begun seeing a psychologist for parent management training so I'm hoping I'll learn more techniques, but currently I try to remain calm as if I'm unaffected, and continue with the request (i.e. time to stop playing a video game, he has an outburst, I remain calm, but it's still time to stop and that's calmly enforced). If he screams at us to not talk to him, I try hard to respect that. To let him get it out and remember that developmentally, in this big emotion way, he is delayed. It's a 3 or 4 year old's tantrum in a 6-7 year old body. I've noticed that since we stopped getting worked up over his outbursts, they first intensified, and now he goes straight to crying like hysterics almost more often than anger. The outbursts are shorter when this happens as well. I think that means what we are doing is working? Because his anger is no longer effective in getting the response he wants? Our kiddo is medicated and that helps with his overall mood a little, but the outbursts persist. None of the preventative measures you read about (warnings, timers, etc) have worked; I think it is a storm to weather until they can learn the skills needed to control it more. I guess I'm saying I don't know of a solution; maybe in a couple months after more therapy sessions I will have some ideas, but right now, for us, the key is to remain calm and continue on. I feel for you because what little you described is my life every day and it is hard. We can't seem to get control over screen time because the outbursts are so intense and it is really embarrassing. I try to remind myself that in these moments, he is flooded, he cannot behave logically, and he doesn't have the emotional regulation to respond in a better way right now. But it's still hard.
it’s so nice to know we are not alone in our experiences! My five yr old son has extreme outbursts at home and it’s so tiring. I know staying calm helps but that is so hard to do when they are being so unreasonable. I don’t have advice, just empathy and the knowledge that they do mature out of some of it. I do have an older son with the same issues, it’s still hard, but just in different ways. They do mature. Very hard when you are in the thick of it though!
Firstly just wanted to say your doing a great job and to give yourself a break, don't be hard on yourself. Your human and you are looking for answers . Emotions are a huge thing and when you put ADHD in the mix well you see the results .
Try talking about emotions using discribing words or pictures, even when watching the tv ask what they think that person is feeling or what's happening and then if old enough why he thinks they feel like that. How they would feel if it was them. Do these when everyone is calm not in a meltdown.
You will be suprized with some of the replies. Is there anyway of changing the no approach? Like say he wants to go outside on swing/bike but it's getting dark. Explain in as little words as you can it's dark outside and I know you want to go outside. so here's your choice ; you can have your choice of watching favourite tv show or maybe spend time drawing with you for 10-15mins? You decide on the two options.
This way he has the control and it's then his choice on what to do.
But always remember when in meltdown mode they have no control and there minds are not really even there so there will be NO REASONING.
Offer to help yes is fine but if he not ready for it he won't take it. So grab a chair let him get mad let him scream into a pillow punch the pillow even. But stay in your chair and let him know your there when his ready. You can occasionally offer the hug, a drink, but don't push the issue just be there for him.
It's ok to have big emotions, the thing is we need to teach our little ADHD kids how to get the feeling out then get them into words that way they can learn how to control them better. Be prepared for well intention remarks from family and friends too coz they will say your letting him get away with everything.
Talk about emotions good ones and bad ones all types of expressions not just the basic ones. Dig deeper. Talk about these as an average daily conversation when you get the good days tell him how your feeling express them yourself on how things make you feel then causally say how do he feel about the same thing. Eg. I had a fantastic sleep last night and I woke up really good and I feel like a bouncy puppy today. How did you sleep? How does that make him feel? If he didn't have a good night sleep how does he think he would feel grumpy? lazy ?
I went to the shop and a lady pushed in front of me and took my spot in the line and that made me feel really angry I was there first I didn't like that she pushed in and got served before me.
Watching a movie how it made you feel were there a sad part or happy part and the reason why you felt that way just basic every day stuff. Could be as simple as today's weather was so much better than yesterday's rain or heat. Talk about what type of weather you like better and again why .
The other side is to compliment good behavior ... Oh you been so quiet for 2-5mins I really like that makes me feel so relaxed and happy. Oh you done a beautiful drawing I'm so proud and I knew you was good at drawing but this is awesome. When kids have this big emotions it really does put so much strain on us. But we have to try and make them feel good about themselves cause alot of the time they only hear the bad bits, (not implying that is what is happening) but kids really need to be praised more when they are dealing with ADHD and any other issues really. They don't understand what is happening but with our help they can learn how to control their emotions. It's not easily done and it could possibly take .... Like forever... But I am positive that it will make a difference. Routines, praise, visual boards of routine and WARNINGS of tasks changing. 1hr and it's bed time. It's now 30 mins to bedtime 20, 15, 10, 5, 2, 1min and it's bedtime some kids need more warnings some only just need the basic reminders that something is going to change.
This is a lot of information for you I'm sure but I just wanted to lend you some tips that I found out myself in our 3.5yr journey. It's not easy I assure you but your doing great hang in there. You can also join the Facebook ADHD pages they are brilliant. Google search ADHD meltdowns and ASD meltdown and what to do.
Good luck with your little man. Send love and hugs your way .🥰💜💜💜🥰
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