How to guide my 21yrs old son with a husband who doesn't understand ADHD much

[magenta1443785]

Hello. I am struggling with my adult son who doesn't have a willingness to make his ADD life better. He barely graduated high school but went to college to study music which was his passion (He is a cellist) but the freshman year was not successful. He failed almost all classes besides what he enjoyed which are cello performance related classes. He came home and started local community college to get AA. He keeps failing and still far away to finish.

I recently found out that he hasn't been seeing many (or almost all) appointments related to take care of his ADD and support academic struggles. He was lying to my husband and I that he was making and keeping these appointments! Medical doctors/counselors, medications, accademic counselors and support system in college, tips and ideas that I shared as books or articles... he does not think these are necessary or just doesn't want to take it and/or face it.

He has no concept of handling money. He has very small income from a part time job. I need to teach him how to spend and save like to 5 years old. He doesn't know what he wants to do after he finish AA (he thinks it will take a long time so no rush...)

Yes, he is called adult legally but MOM is not ok to see him being ok to be dependent until HE feels ready.

My other struggle is I can not agree how to guide our son with my husband. (I am guessing he has ADD also...)

I heard about life coaching for ADHDers . I heard about counseling as a family so we can all be on the same page. I search and seek the help and solution but I feel so stuck and don't know where to go, how to start...

Sorry for the long post as a new comer. Thank you for reading this. I hope some of you will share your experience and wisdom. Thank you.

[seller]

My son is now 23, almost 24 and I can totally relate to your life at the moment. The good news is that your son will mature - the bad news is that it may take another year or two. I don't know what to say about the lying, the failing, the seemingly inability to get things done except it seems to come with the ADHD and boys in particular. Our son failed so many classes, dropped in and out of college multiple times, had jobs, lost jobs, and could not keep track of anything for years! Money management seems to be really hard for them. Don't let your son get a credit card! No, he is definitely NOT an adult, so be prepared to provide lots more oversight than you thought you needed to give. Forget school for awhile. My son decided on his own to return to junior college last winter and we made him pay his own tuition/books. Make your son get a second part-time job. Full-time jobs are hard to come by and our boys do better with flexible schedules. If he's not on ADHD meds, see if he will take them. My son refused after high school, but realized he needed them when he finally went back to college. His money management is still pretty awful, but he now realizes it most of the time! It's doubtful you will be able to change your son or "teach" him right now - he has to do this himself. We, as parents of ADHD young adults just have to hang in there and help more than usual. Let me know if you want to chat!!

[Lovinit]

Both of your kids has, that’s got to be so tuff and it wonderful to hear how much you understand the disorder and trying to get them on a positive track in life. My mom was lucky and she got one son who has been perfect for her since he was born. I on the other hand was a total pain in the ass. But she was too. My mom and I have learned how to communicate together we still can’t and I’m 37. I moved out of the the house and have been on my own since I turned 27. I never lasted more than two week in community college

[Grateful17 in reply to Lovinit]

I bet your mom thinks you’re just as perfect as awesome as her other child. And I can tell you are awesome. We are all a work in process. If you have any tips for me or is on how to be a more helpful parent- I’m will definitely take your advice. I’m trying not to get so overwhelmed and anxious things. I know that doesn’t help! No matter what, I will always be willing to help them, but I know I should lay off a little and let them live their own life.