My son is 16 and has ADHD my husband has never been supportive at all and thinks that it’s all made up and he is just lazy and an idiot and thinks I am always making excuses for him , as soon as he sees him he is telling him off about something Other than that he struggles even say hello to him . he keeps giving him chores and then saying he hasn’t done it properly rather than praising him for trying. My son thinks that his dad hates him and when I asked him what he wants for his birthday he said he wants his dad to go. He really is a lovely teen so kind at times , but dad just sees him as a problem. He will not learn about ADHD and refuses to listen. He is very old fashioned and thinks it’s all fake
He is 16 now and from that day he says every day got a job yet , why haven’t you been out looking for a job. He has refused to give him pocket money now and told me not to either as he is old enough to work even begrudges me buying him clothes or a few sweets.
my son just runs upstairs as soon as he hears his dad come home from work as he will just say got a job yet !!!! or Moan at him for leaving his bike in the wrong place or simular.
I love my husband but hate him for the way he treats our son . I just really don’t know what to do.
You are in a very tough position. I feel for both you and your son. Have you tried getting him to go to any of you son’s appointments? Would he listen to any of Dr Russell Barclay’s lectures on YouTube? I have a feeling your answer is that your husband refuses to do either of those. The relationship between your son and your husband will always be very strained if your husband is not open to learning about and accepting your son’s diagnosis. It is also going to fracture your relationship with your husband. Marriage counseling would be beneficial if he is willing to go. Otherwise your marriage is going to continue to decintegrate and that affects the entire family. Hopefully he will change his mind. My thoughts and prayers go out to you.
Thankyou so much. As you guessed my husband would not listen to any counselling, he came to appointments. He asked the question why is it that our son won’t do the things he is asked to do (ie a chore or tidying his room) he always says he forgot to do it or just loses track of time / gets distracted , but if it’s something he wants to do he is up ready to go all his stuff together and keen to get started and focused. The doctor explained why this happens but he just doesn’t get that an ADHD brain works differently to his.
I think possibly family therapy would help if I could get him there.
After reading through the other replies to you, they are saying what I wanted to say, but didn’t. So I will say it now.. your husband is abusive! Stand up to him and protect your son. If he doesn’t change, pack his bags and change the locks on the doors.
This breaks my heart. My husband loses his temper with my son sometimes but nothing like this. The more we learn about adhd the more he understands. Make your husband watch The Disrupters documentary. It will help him understand. If he doesn’t change his ways, you need to seriously think about making him leave. You need to protect your son, he’s going to have long term issues if he keeps being treated that way. I am praying for you both.
You need for your husband to figure this out now because your son is not of age yet. The problems that go along with ADHD will not end at 18. If your husband is saying to your son at 16, "Go get a job." He will tell him at 18, "Go get a place to live." My 31 y.o. son just moved back in with us in November. He reached a very low place after losing his job and had to move back in. Our children with ADHD often need substantial support as adults too. Your husband needs to understand that or else it will be a problem in your marriage after your son is grown. Best wishes for you going forward. You're definitely not alone, if that helps.
Hiya it helps to know I’m not alone. You are right. If he were to get a job which isn’t easy at 16 even without having ADHD my husband would be on at him about something else instead I think as you say there will always be something.
Not being in your home, it is hard to give advice but based on my own experiences, triumphs, and failings with my now 18yo oldest son and command-oriented husband, here is my advice. If you aren’t doing so yet, you need to firmly stand up to your husband’s inappropriate behavior. I have low self-esteem and used to plead for my husband to stop but tried to keep the house calm for the sake of the family (we also have three younger kids). My daughter (#3) is not like me. When she got old enough, she started standing in front of her father, looking him in the eyes, and repeating firmly, “Stop, you need to stop.” My other kids started telling me they thought their father was unfair to their brother. They all saw it. I’ve since started following my daughter’s example, but telling him “Your behavior is inappropriate right now. You need to stop.” and “You’re the problem right now.” I’ve made it clear to him that I made a mistake in not stopping his behavior earlier and that if it continues I will protect my son and yes that could include leaving him. It will be very tough. My husband has changed and started YouTubing ADHD and learning for the sake of his marriage and family. However, that’s not everyone’s story. My sister was unable to stand up to her husband and have him change his inappropriate, antagonistic behavior and now she is going through a divorce with five children, but she doesn’t regret it. Since they’ve been living apart, her daughter has been making a lot of emotional, behavioral, and academic growth and has been “undiagnosed” with ADHD as it turns out trauma can cause ADHD symptoms, or at least exacerbate them. Her husband has NPD and NPDs usually need a scapegoat to feel powerful and in control. They may even be good to the rest of the children. They will love bomb if they get called out for going too far but will go right back to their olds ways. You need to start by firmly standing up to him. Find a place to go with the kids if you need to follow through, even if it’s just during the day, and after a while of that, figure out if this man can make lasting change. Your children need to know boundaries before they get into the adult world. They need to build confidence before they face it. I am sorry you have to face this and I wish you and your family all the best and will pray for you.
I struggle with these same issues with my husband. He admits our son has adhd and at the same time will say it’s a crutch h! It’s so sad as he is just like our son (our son has a twin sister). He’s very hard on him and it really hurts me. Our situation tho is much like Michager’s! We muddle along and keep trying. I just worry about my son’s confidence.
I mean, I would not tolerate someone who treated my kids like that. It's abuse. Dr. John Deloney says we have an obligation to protect our kids, even if it's from their other parent. I'd tell hubs he can stop or get out. I'm a hard liner like that.
Plus ADHD kids are more likely to commit suicide so you really need to do something about this before it is too late.
i’m so sorry you are going through this, just know you are not alone. I am in a similar boat. My husband has ADHD as well, but undiagnosed. He will not go to see anyone about it, won’t go to couples therapy, and has now decided that he doesn’t want to medicate our son. Medication is not perfect, it wipes out our son’s already minimal appetite, but he falters in school without it, academically and socially. My husband takes out my son‘s behavior on me, as if it’s my parenting style and that all I want to do is medicate him. I’m trying to realize that that’s its just my husband not being able to emotionally regulate. Social rejection dysmorphia and all that. The only thing I can do is go to therapy on my own, and worry about my own needs and protecting my kids. I hope you find strength and the right choice for you. Just know that you are the only one who can advocate for your son right now. That is your strength and power, so I hope you can embrace it and set boundaries with your husband that fit the way you want to live and help your son thrive.
My heart goes out to you and your son. There is a lot of good advice that people have already given here. I have seen multiple articles online that talk about how to handle toxic family memebrs during the holidays and how to support your children when family and friends don’t believe……that would be your husband. This needs to change. He is being abusive and without serious changes, this is going to destroy your son and family. I wish you nothing but the best.
Awww, that is totally heartbreaking, and reminds me of how my Dad used to talk to me at that age. Also, my ex-husband does not believe in ADHD, and says he's "just being a boy", so coparenting and dealing with this challenge has been oh so fun. I really feel for you.
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. As much as I hate to admit it, your husband is forcing you to choose between him and your son. It took me awhile to learn about ADHD and buy into it being a real thing but it is so important that I did. I believe it has really helped my son deal with his ADHD that is mother and I are supportive of him. Kids with ADHD usually have really low self esteem even if they don't show it. They often they feel they are letting, family, friends and teachers down. Piling on and accusing them of being lazy or stupid just reinforces those beliefs. I agree that the Dr. Barclay videos are really informative and helped me understand how my son's brain works so differently than mine. If there is any way you could get your husband to watch one with you then it might open his eyes some. I wish you all the luck! Keep letting your son feel your support. It means more to him than you'll know, especially if you're the only one supporting him.
My dad was very hard on my brother who had ADHD and it permanently poisoned their relationship. I’m fully convinced that it’s because my dad had some kind of neurodiversity himself. My mom was caught in the middle and had no idea what to do. One thing that might help is to draw a line between opinions and behavior. You might not be able to change your husband’s opinion about ADHD but you can draw the line at certain types of behavior. No yelling, threatening, physical violence or personal insults. If your husband can’t do this, you’ve identified the problem. If family therapy or couples therapy are off the table, you might have to make a choice. But no matter how it shakes down, you and your son deserve to be safe right now. If you think your husband might retaliate, you could reach out to a counselor or service first to make a plan. Please stay safe and know that your son is lucky to have a mom who supports him ☺️
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