Hi

[Merz1]

Hi,

I just found this community. I am the mothet of a 16 year old with adhd and several other learning disabilities. We have had quite a school with a lot of victories. I am just so burnt out and feel alone I cant celebrate these victories

[justine_lynae]

Oh mama! I felt like I was writing this post myself. I feel you, I’m in the exact same boat.

Even the past few days my 10 year old daughter has had quite a few victories as well, but it’s just taking every ounce of my energy to put on a show for her and sound excited. Sounds horrible as her mother, I know!

I think partly the reason why I’m not ready to celebrate is because I’m comparing her to other children. She’s different, and requires different help than other children do. She does things at different rates than other 10 year olds do, and she isn’t doing things on her own yet. That really gets to me sometimes, because I feel like I’ve failed as a parent.

I wish I had words of wisdom for you, but all I can say is be proud of yourself for making it this far. She’s sixteen years old! You’ve raised her the best you can for 16 years, and 16 isn’t an easy age all around. Relax, you’re doing your best!

If you ever feel like talking or ranting your frustration out, shoot me a message girl! I understand where you’re coming from, you’re not the only mama going to bed each night feeling this way!! 💗

[Merz1 in reply to justine_lynae]

Thanks I think for me the issue is I cant celebrate his victories becauses I di t think they are victories. They seem so little how could they be victories?

[justine_lynae in reply to Merz1]

Oh girl! All things with special needs kids are victories, believe it or not! Anything that they have struggled with and have overcome, even just once is a victory. If you want to talk little victories, my 10 year old made it through the day without one meltdown. Just one day! Today, we were out and about and despite the sensory overload, loud noises, too many people she still didn’t have a meltdown... and to top things off, she told me she had to use the potty when we were out. That never happens when we are out of the house. Never. She won’t speak a single word. Today, my child spoke once while we were out of the house. You bet I jumped and praised her so loudly in that store and I don’t give a shit what other parents think because they don’t understand! That’s a small victory, my child spoke 5 words when we were out. But it’s still a victory! Same with your kiddo!

[Merz1 in reply to justine_lynae]

That's so awesome! I think part of my problem is I've been beaten down by my mother in law emotionally. The family hasn't believed my son can do things. I'm so burnt out.

[justine_lynae in reply to Merz1]

That’s so hard, hun! There’s nothing worse than your own family (who are the ones who are supposed to build you up) choosing to tear you down. I think it’s also tough because ever since we’re young we’re told that our parents are always supposed to “agree” or “support” our decisions in life... and when you become an adult or even a parent sometimes you have to choose between what’s best for your child and your relationship with your parents. I’ve had to fully cut off my mom from both mine and my daughter’s life. Her main goal, as brutal as it sounds, was to make Lyla feel as horrible about her behaviour as possible in hopes that she would change. Lyla, 8 years old at the time. My heart was literally ripped into pieces when she said, “mommy, I’m trying to be good. But I keep being bad.” Sometimes people don’t understand, it just sucks when it’s family! I’ll listen to you, hun!

[Merz1 in reply to justine_lynae]

That's so rough. Yeah there are a lot more parts to my story. Would love to chat sometime

[justine_lynae in reply to Merz1]

I’ll shoot you a private message. Hang in there, you’re doing your best!

[Grateful17]

It's hard and I myself, don't have any family support. My own 20 yr old daughter told my parents that she's been yelled at her whole life. Now my parents basically ditched me. It's so unfair because I've been killing myself tring to help her and she doesn't want to help herself. I certainly had a lot of breaking points and yelled, but it was not "her whole life!" If anyone knew what I go through.... oh well, I better go do her laundry, pick up her mess, get her more birth control at Walgreens and make dinner!

[justine_lynae in reply to Grateful17]

I relate to no family support more than I would like to admit! I’ve pretty much had to cut off my mother from my life because of how she handles my daughter. And the way she chooses to speak to a little girl, let alone her little granddaughter with special needs. Breaks my heart.

[Merz1 in reply to Grateful17]

Hug

[seller in reply to Grateful17]

Try not to let this get you down. Just keep on picking up the mess, and please don't forget the birth control!! It is true that our ADHD kids get yelled at a lot, but certainly not their entire life! She will get better - it just takes a few more years. And try not to remind her about all the help you're giving her - she doesn't want to hear it, but she still needs the help. We finally learned not to give our opinions.

[Grateful17 in reply to seller]

Thank you. I wish I had found this site years ago!

[seller in reply to Grateful17]

I know - I found it by accident when my son was at his worst.....it was the first thing I looked at every morning when I came into work. I didn't really have anyone else to talk to - I was too embarrassed to talk with my work friends about him and I know my husband was as tired as I was.....for years it seemed like all we did was talk about our kid's bad behavior.....

[EJsMom]

I have no family support either. Not even my son’s Dad. My parents died.

As far as victories go; you could celebrate small. Like rent a movie or make a favorite meal... or just say ‘you did a great job, I’m proud of you’

[Merz1 in reply to EJsMom]

I am so sorry to hear that. O havr told him I am proud of him. I have been the only one who has believed in him this whole time. I just can't celebrate them myself because im.depressed. I wonder if these really are victories or am I making too big of a deal. He thinks he got them.because of luck. My husband and mother in law think they are the sole reason fir the victories

[EJsMom in reply to Merz1]

Don’t be sorry they died many years ago. Sometimes I still miss my Mom but she wouldn’t have been a lot of help in this area anyway.

I just recently married so I have my husband to talk to. He just doesn’t get involved with my son’s issues because it would not work.

I’m sorry you are depressed. I know just how you feel! I have felt depressed off and on over the years as well.

I went to my doctor and asked for help. Now I take something for depression, and it has helped me a lot.

[Grateful17]

Merz1 and all of you- big hugs and no judgement. I have a brother with special needs. He would today probably be labeled mildly autistic. We always thought he was brain damaged from birth. He’s now 45 yrs old. His life has had many ups and downs but he has always been So kind, respectful, sports loving, neat, well- mannered, etc.

Here I am with 2 adhd kids who are so incredibly difficult to live with! Yes, they are someday going to be able to live on their own, unlike my brother, but I’m seriously not so sure of that.

I’m really feeling low these days. My kids are out at a big festival partying but I’m stuck with the worries of what might happen and the medical bills to process and all the administration without a thank you.

[EJsMom in reply to Grateful17]

It’s so much to deal with! I worry my so much all the time.

Courtney85 - I have a special needs brother as well. He’s 56. Everyone called him retarded when we were growing up. I’m not really sure what he would be diagnosed with. He’s definitely got developmental delays, but in certain things he’s quite smart.

He works at a hardware store stocking shelves. He lives alone, but our sister has to do all his bills and handle his money. He doesn’t have much common sense. He’s done some dumb things and been arrested. Like spray painting rude things on the sidewalk because he was angry at the business owner.

Last year, he finally got his drivers license and bought an old car. That was a huge dream of his, so it’s nice he was able to do it.

When he was about 12ish, my parents put him in a home for troubled kids, or kids with issues. I don’t even know what it really was, I was only about 6.

That experience scarred him. He hated it. He called it ‘the hole’.

So... all of us Moms and Dads are doing our best! We are loving these kids and trying to help however we can. I keep telling myself this over and over, cuz it can get so discouraging.

Anyway, thanks for sharing your story.

[Grateful17 in reply to EJsMom]

Wow, we have a lot in common. Thanks so much for sharing too.

[Merz1]

Hug

[Pennywink]

Wow - just a big hug to everyone in this thread!

[Nla1]

Welcome! It’s not easy to parent an ADHD child. I cannot even imagine the teenage years - even so, they are quite magical. Nice to have you.

[WendyKirkpatrick]

I am now the mother of a 30 year old man with ADHD. We have fought so many battles, particularly with the school district and we were frequently depressed, overwhelmed, we felt ganged up on. We were lied to and we fought like animals to get him the best of special education services they could provide. The victories were frequently short lived since our son shut down as a teenager and it made it ten times harder to help him. He is becoming a classic late bloomer in life and I try to remember that there are so many people out there going through the same thing with their children. You sound like a wonderful parent and try not to let your child's condition get the best of you. We forget because of all the personal attacks, pressure to medicate our children, and being witnesses to their suffering, that we are blessed to have them in our lives and it is no small victory, spiritually, for parents to stand by our beloved children. I wish more than anything that I had this site to write to when our son was younger. I wish you all the best. It is known "upstairs" what you and your family have accomplished. Best wishes. Wendy

[Fresnochic]

Hi Merz1,I cant begin to explain how I can understand how your feeling .my 14year old daughter who is 8-9 mentally developed whom we love unconditionally and I'm proud of her she is our world literally.My husband and I are completely and utterly alone.My daughter has no one who she can play with out of school,we live out in the country.Its hard when not having a social outlet to reconnect with another adult who gets it or just someone other than in my house hold just to have some one who gets its and no judgement pity .My daughter has ADHD,O.D.D,AUTISM,BIPOLAR,ANXIETY,also she has MENTAL DELAYS,SPEECH,COGNITIVE DELAYS,SPEECH IMPEDIMENT CAN BE ASSAULTIVE AND AGRESSIVE.We have her in a school fit for her,but tge district for some reason is pushing to put her in another school that I'm sure isnt in comparison.Im the parent that mostly takes care of things or handles things as she doesnt see her dad as an authority figure just because he is a pushover,but he to have mental delays bipolar and can have mental breakdowns who has hearing and other issues so it's my responsibility to do 85-95% of caring discipline cooking and personal care of my daughter she is 75% continent and still requires have help with showering hygiene..REGARDLESS IF COULD CHANGE ONE OR TWO THINGS IS FAMILY SUPPORT&COMMUNITY AND NO MORE ELOPING OUT OF THE HOME STRESS..