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I am feeling so defeated

Alex0110 profile image

I have a 5 year old son who is having behavioral issues at school. He was kicked out of one day care and is soon to be kicked out of the second one. I feel so defeated and frustrated. I don't know what to do or how to deal with him. I just feel like giving up.

17 Replies

if your son has ADHD, is he medicated? have you looked into this option?

He hasn't been formally diagnosed. Both the principal in the day care he was removed from and his pediatrician feel that it would be too early to diagnose him at 5. I have though about it but I to be honest it scares me to do so. Being someone who suffers from anxiety and depression I wish I didn't have to medicate him. I am trying to make changes to his diet. It's so hard to make any decision without feeling guilty.

i feel it is never too early to diagnose him, especially since he is having such serious behavioural issues that is not only affecting his daycare but also your mental health. I know of a very clever boy who was not diagnosed until he was 11 and by then it was too late for him to catch up at school because he had fallen so far behind. He lost interest. You need to fight for your son and yourself as clearly the present situation cannot continue. He needs positive social interaction and structure and you need the break.

extra big hugs to you xxxx

I too have a 5 year old and am in the exact same situation. He hasn't been diagnosed, but feel 100% sure that he does in fact have adhd. His 16 year old brother does too. I understand your frustration and sense of not being able to get thru to a child. My son thinks everything is a game and just loves getting under my skin. I need a vacation from his behavior. This comes from a stay at home mom. I would rather be working! Keep your chin up, take a deep breath and only try to take one minute at a time. Otherwise it's way too overwhelming.

We also have a 6 year old son that while he hasn't been diagnosed, he's identical with his brother who also has ADHD and ODD. He is a big water and very argumentative. Has horrible bouts of anxiety and his latest issue is his fear of being alone. I'm a stay at home mom and really want to get back to work also. It would really be easier.

Never too soon, especially with severe behavior issues. Once diagnosed he will be eligible for an IEP and other services that you can only get with an official diagnosis. I would look at finding a different pediatrician as well, as the one recommending you wait doesn’t seem to know about these kind of issues. You son might also have anxiety since you also have it. Do you take medication for your anxiety and depression? I look at medication for mental conditions the same as any other condition. You wouldn’t tell someone with asthma you’re not going to give them an inhaler, so why deny your son medication to help balance his brain? Kids will generally behave if they have the ability to, so the fact that he isn’t behaving means he lacks the skills to do so.

Put him on a very very low dose to start off with.

Alex please listen to StrugglingMom. I too felt daughter was ADD in kinder, 1st, 2nd, 3rd grade, but the teachers kept telling me it was normal. Finally had her tested mid 3rd grade. She was diagnosed as ADHD. Then we didn't want to medicate her, b/c who does? She said she was stupid, worthless, and an idiot. Wow! It broke my heart. It took us months to get an appt with a specialist, 2 different meds, a wrong strength of a 3rd med until we finally found the right dosage 2 months into 6th grade! Practically a year wasted. She's now a few months from finishing 6th grade and is on the honor roll. Please don't wait for your baby boy to feel worthless. I too am on more meds than you, and I feel your struggle. I just wanted to share my experience. I wish I had medicated her earlier.

My daughter was diagnosed right after she turned 5 just because he is diagnosed now does not mean you have to put him on meds right now but it will give you the option of getting him a iep and help with school for any learning diffcultlys he may have etc.

Yes please get him tested. My son was diagnosed at a very young age. He cannot function without the medicine he is on now. There is a misconception that medicine will turn kids into a zombie. If meds are managed correctly your son will not be a zombie and he will be able to learn and focus while still being a kid.

Both of my grandsons for diagnosed at age 5 and put on medication which change their lives. Think of what it's doing to his self esteem to be in trouble all the time. Find another doctor who will help you

Like you, I knew, but didn't want to admit to myself, that my son had ADHD as early as preschool. It wasn't until he was entering 5th grade that we finally pursued a formal evaluation of him. If I could do anything differently, I would have had him evaluated much earlier - definitely during his year in Kindergarten. He - and we - went through TOO many episodes and years of negative feedback from parents, coaches, peers, family members, etc. Don't wait. Your child's self esteem and your right - as a parent - to have a joyous, happy experience with your kid is too important to put off. Good luck. It takes a lot of time and effort to seek out the right specialists but it will be well worth it if he does have ADHD and you are able to get in front of it now.

it is NEVER to early. i knew my son was adhd at 3. parents often fear medications but you wouldn't fear giving your child asthma meds so they could breathe. you want your child to thrive and if they spend every day being reprimanded for something they cant control alone they will began to feel defeated! the medication is a tool to help them listen learn and have some control over their thoughts and behaviors. talk with a dr. who is adhd knowledgeable

First time poster as well... I feel so much for for you... no-one understands how hard this decision is! I was told at Preschool at age 3 that my daughter needed to be assessed... I was fortunate in how kind they were to our family! They gently explained that my child would be a disaster for herself, me & any teacher... and that she could not go to JK this way. They didn't tell me for 2 years that they had 1 teacher's helper follow my child around all day to "protect" the other kids from her violent outbursts. :o(

We approached her JK school immediately to let them know this child was going to be going there in September & that we were getting her assessed. They were supportive because we were trying to help/warn them but I know not everyone experiences this. We agonized over meds for half a year where she could only go to JK for a few hours each day & when we finally relented & saw such a huge change in her behaviour/attention our child's teacher told us she had been on Ritalin 30 yrs ago & how safe it is! We were blown away & wished that she had shared that with us while we were debating the meds issue but I think teachers are very wary to say "this child requires meds" because it looks like an excuse & an easy answer for a teacher who doesn't want to deal with kids with behavioural issues, and because some parents don't want to hear it!

We fought the meds so hard but when she started hitting herself & saying she hated herself... that was it for me. I want her to grow up liking herself & everything I've read is telling me how vital it is for her (& us) to believe she's a good person & worthy of love & help from a young age... especially for girls... as they will either get in with the wrong crowd because of their poor social skills or look for approval elsewhere.

My daughter is 7 now & been on meds (Dexedrine spansule 15mg capsules opened since she can't/won't swallow pills) since she was 4. We took her to McMaster Hospital because we wanted her to see someone who deals with kids like this every day...and our family doctor doesn't but is happy to refer us to whoever we request. The Dr at Mac was so so helpful in our struggle to decide about medicine & we are glad we did but we have lots of other daily struggles! We basically tried the meds & she was night & day to before... can concentrate (better, not perfect) at school & has now made friends! Like another poster said... you wouldn't refuse to get meds if it was another issue but mental/brain issues make it so much harder to decide. I think of it like one Dr. said... you don't tell a nearsighted person to try (squint) harder, you get them glasses... this is a brain chemistry/slower maturation issue they cannot help themselves so we must.

I have health issues, as you do, which makes dealing extra hard & we get them before meds & after meds & every day is a struggle for me...

Today was a Snow Day in our area so no school & I literally cried ALL day & let her watch tv most of the day. I would rather be at work full time than have to deal with this some days.

Hubby gets home & is great & helpful but doesn't understand because she treats me so much worse than him that sometimes I just have to walk away & then he is mad at me for not constantly disciplining her!

I just watched a great webinar from a Dr. who is in his 60s who has ADHD & 3 sons with it & tells the kids in his practice that they have amazing Ferrari brains that go SO fast but that they only have bicycle brakes but that hey, awesome, he is a "Brake specialist" & going to help them!

He reminded us that when grown these are the non-rule-followers/think-outside the-box/creative thinkers & stubborn never-give-up (with something they love) people who are artists & entrepeneurs & so creative & you can't keep them down... they always get back up... that's great to hear but I can't see how to get from here to there & by the time we do our family will be broken.

I have heard really great things about the SNAP after school program and other similar ADHD/LD/ODD etc coaching but the wait list for girls in our area is 1 year.

Too much info I know but I wanted to share how it panned out for us... every child & family is different but for us the final acceptance of the diagnosis was when we saw the meds working! Give a normal kids stimulants & they are stimulated like crazy... give an ADHD kids stimulants & you have that bizarre paradoxical effect where they can calm down, focus & act out aggressively less!

The most important thing to remember (& I include myself in this) is that you love them and are trying for a solution that helps them succeed even a bit! Our Dr. at McMaster Hospital said it's so sad to see undiagnosed & untreated adults in the penal system because they have poor impulse control & are susceptible to friendships with a bad crowd due to poor social skills! You love your son and are trying... that means something even if it doesn't seem like it at times!

I have a younger brother who had ADHD growing up & has since mostly grown out of it but he says the thing he remembers the most (besides the Principale's office) is the even when he was in the wrong, our parents were ALWAYS on his team, not to say he wasn't at fault but because they supported him & tried to help him (without ignoring bad behaviour), he remembers none of the bad stuff because they were so intentional about telling him he was a good person deep inside whose brain just worked differently..

Natasha_W profile image
Natasha_W in reply to Joanna999

This is a great post and I’ve enjoyed reading it. I feel like our lives and kids are very similar!!! It’s refreshing to find this app and finally know I’m not the only mom going through daily struggles of a child with ADHD.

What webinar did you watch? I’m always looking for something to help me rest when I feel I’m at the end of my rope.

Joanna999 profile image
Joanna999 in reply to Natasha_W

I am glad to hear it helps to share the struggle... that's exactly why I joined here too... I feel so alone in this sometimes with friends with "normal" children who have no idea how demoralizing it is to struggle with this day after day with no end in sight.

I will try to get the link to the Webinar for you... it really helped me see my child differently! The problem is that it was through a group that I am not a member of ($$$) so my friend logged in for me so I could watch. I'll get back to you on that!

Is he in any kind of behavior therapy? Putting him in with a counselor regularly will help protect him and help you learn different strategies on how to parent him. We all need help sometimes! Also, it'll help you manage the daycare situation too. You can meet with the director and tell them what you are doing to help him and them. And also you can provide them with the strategies you are working on at home too, so they can also work with him there. Hang in there. It's hard.

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