my son is 9 and was recently diagnosed with ADHD and he shows signs of ODD in school and camp settings and at times with us. We have a split household. His dad and step mom have extreme rules for when he gets in trouble and honestly, it causes him to escalate instead of learning from things. They’ve gone as far as removing everything from his room, even his door and the punishments often go for a week or more. He is already having issues at a new camp. Yesterday he refused to do an exercise activity and because they don’t want others to follow his example and he never tried, he is not able to attend tomorrow for their field trip, so I have him home with me. When I told his dad, his step mom replied with what their punishment will be if he’s kicked out of camp. I’m worried this is only going to make things worse. Now, I took away his games and tv except for educational shows yesterday and today because I can’t make missing camp exciting, but this is what she said…
Just so you know, if he’s booted from camp this year, he will not have game time, screen time of any kind all summer. He has to not only see your upset but he needs to understand the extent of his actions. He has to start connecting the emotional strain, monetary strain and the stern consequences that come along with it. ADHD or not, Mason is in complete control of his decision making. This is not acceptable. And to continue upsetting you and those around him is enough. Please let him know he will pay us back every dime of money he wasted if he’s removed from camp.
I’m just not sure what to do. She thought we’d lose all of our camp money we paid, but the camp assured me, if it gets there, we won’t pay anything past that week. However, he has to have 3 warnings, one verbal and one written. He did not act violent or aggressive. He just didn’t want to do the activity, so he wasn’t given a warning.
I’m also pregnant and very emotional so of course he saw that I was visibly upset and crying and I told him I’m just worried about his choices and that all we expect is that he tries. No therapy has worked yet! I feel alone. I feel judged as a parent and frustrated because I need the punishments in both homes to match for his benefit. I feel like I’ve aged 20 years from the stress that comes with this and I’m so scared my new child will also have these issues. Ugh
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I am very sorry that you are going through this. It is very very overwhelming to parent kids with ADHD. I have three kids with ADHD and one of them was particularly challenging. She’s going to college now, so there is hope! You are definitely not alone, and there are many people who are struggling with similar situations.
The first thing I will say is that traditional parenting approaches often do not work with kids with ADHD. Their brains work differently and punishments given out of anger usually make things worse- & causes defiance. It’s better to have natural or logical consequences that are spelled out calmly ahead of time- so that it’s not a surprise to the child.
I also encourage you to read the book, “The explosive child” by Dr. Ross Greene. This book is super helpful as it explains that our kids lack skills. So they need to be taught skills and they need to be part of the the problem-solving of their own struggles. The author gives you an understanding that your son isn’t deliberately trying to be challenging- he has a skill deficit. He walks you through how to parent in a collaborative style, which is more helpful for defiant ADHD kids.
I would also encourage you to figure out what is going on underneath his behaviors. For example, at camp, why did he avoid the activity? Was he anxious about it, did he not have the confidence to do it? If you have these conversations in a calm non-judgmental tone you will begin to understand that there are reasons behind his behaviors. When you figure out what the true problem is, then you can actually solve the problem and teach the skill that is lacking or come up with a solution that solves his problem. So for example, if he was anxious about the particular activity, and wanted to avoid it…as a parent, you would have to walk him through this & give him some solutions like “if you feel worried/ tell the counselor if your allowed to sit out and just watch someone else do it first or is there another activity you can do?” The point is… There is a reason for his avoidance of the activity. Punishment will not make him do the activity but giving him the tools necessary to work through the skill deficit will be helpful to him.
Kids with ADHD lack executive functioning skills, so perhaps your son lacks impulse control, emotional control, decision-making, task initiation, etc., etc. No amount of punishment will make these things better. They have to be taught the skills.
I would also get pen to paper, and every time he is defiant or there is an issue… Start tracking what is happening right before the issue. You might see patterns when he is defiant or avoiding…these situations are triggers for him, it would help you to try to decrease or eliminate those triggers and or walk him through tools to help him through difficult situations.
I know this is a lot! You can get through one day at a time. I actually became an ADHD coach through all the struggle I learned. I have free resources on my website: lifeanchoredcoaching.com
Hang in there! Get educated as much as you can on ADHD- which will help you have more understanding and compassion for your son. It’s really going to be important for you to build into his life at this young age. Your connection to him really matters so try to find his strengths, nurture them and try to have as much positive interaction with him as you can, and find out what’s going on underneath those behaviors. And get rest and take care of yourself!
Are you able to do counseling with the dad and stepmom. Someone who specializes in ADD/ODD? I've been where the stepmom is as a mom, but I also recognize that all the consequences in the world don't work with ODD kids. We thought about taking off the door, due to destruction. But instead put up poster board. Everytime he feels destructive he draws on it instead. It's a win for him and me. Kids don't fit in a box. The camp should be more tolerant of that.
thank you for sharing. Has anyone asked him why he didn’t want to do the activity? Missing out to me is probably punishment enough. Their punishments will definitely make Jung’s worse not better. Is he by chance on medication?
You also said multiple times “choices”. Many people are misinformed that we intentionally do and say things that are not ok. I’m actually about to lose another job because of things I don’t intentionally do. My boss even said “I’m not sure if it was a slip up or intentional”, which tells me that she has no understanding of adhd.
What your ex is doing is so extreme, it’s probably even considered emotional abuse. The kid is 9. Parents are expected to pay for things, not the kid. I would say the only thing they are right about is that he does need consequences for his actions whether or not he has adhd, but does the punishment really fit the action?
My son is 9 and has the same issues. While it is not solace, therapy takes lots of time to help - in my experience and medication helped tons, but you know what is best for you son. Maybe he needs to gamify his day (x points/dollars game minutes for doing something you don't want to do, self calming, reacting positively to a negative situation, etc). That has helped my son. You are a good mom and his actions are not all in his co trol if the lizard part of his brain reacts before the logical part has time to kick in. That takes practice and time, which is where therapy has really helped over the years. This will pass and he will be fine (so will you). And congratulations on the new baby!
I suggest you look up PDA, some refer to it as persistent demand for autonomy, and become familiar with approaches for things related to chronic fight, flight, freeze or fawn response sensitiviy, like PTSD. See if you can get him a sensory profile or occupational therapy to address his shut down or stress response. Likely he needs more connection, trust building, and joy to get him to expose himself to things he is being overwhelmed by...see if you can get a court order for parent based therapy at this age before he gets much older and the trauma he seems to be experiencing due to his neurodivergence, which is beyond his control or fault, makes his profile even more complex
I agree with trying to get into parent based therapy now. We did it when my son was 11, and I think it was just too late. I think the younger the better.
I’m also in your situation our son is almost 9, had ADHD ODD and GAD. Punishments never worked, even reward charts haven’t worked well, we implemented rewards now (a simple piece of paper with days of the week written out) each time he has a good positive behavior or does something we ask without arguing or bein defiant he gets a star after 10 stars he will get a “prize” we bought DOGMAN books, a $10 Roblox gift card a handwritten ticket to 1 hr of iPad time, a written reward of dinner of your choice or whatever you think might motivate him. It’s not a fix all but could encourage more positive behavior opposed to only reacting to the negative or ODD behaviors, we struggle with that often it’s easy to react to negative and it’s a way to encourage the positive that he can see and be proud of. Our son struggled big time last summer at his summer camp program and almost got kicked out as well until we made it known he had a 504 plan to help him along. Are his camps through the schools at all? If so Does he have a 504 plan at all? That could be helpful perhaps? I feel so lonely sometimes and judged as well I’m learning that ODD can get worse depending on our reactions to his behaviors but it’s a vicious cycle and the hardest thing I’ve had to juggle. my heart breaks worrying about his future, I feel your pain you are not alone. From what I’ve learned it’s as important for the parents in their life to modify their behaviors to it, I’m learning how to change how I respond to him. He is also on meds but from what I’m reading and learned through his neuro assessment ( also a great way to learn more about his struggles) his best hope is behavior therapy and parent training for us we have an appointment next week with a place called brain balance it’s supposed to help with behaviors and they offer parent training as well, non medical but a behavior training type of program i can update and let you know if it’s been successful, I wonder if your son is also having issues with anxiety? Sometimes that can show as forms of behaviors. I can only imagine how hard it may be for him as well in 2 homes with the rules being different. I feel your pain it’s hard it’s the hardest, hang in there.feel free to reach out any time directly if you’d like to talk. Sending hugs and compassion to you and your son, it’s hard hang in there.
I feel for you. I’m going through similar things with my 11yo. He also has two households, and it makes it so hard. His father vacillates between extreme punishments - in the heat of the moment taking his PlayStation away, bc he mad our son won’t do what he wants, to buying our son anything he wants when with him or when he calls him for Fortnite stuff. So he doesn’t take his dad seriously bc there’s no consistency.
I’ve learned the extreme punishments just do not work. It makes them even more made and defiant. I agree with that these kids need to learn the skills. As the other commenter said, read The Explosive Child if you haven’t already. It was eye opening to me. I wish I read it when my son as younger.
Focus on your self care for you and your baby, and focus on your relationship with your son. And try to get all parents into a parent based therapy, so y’all can talk in a safe space. Hugs, it’s so hard.
Yes, try to have a therapist or judge mediate and guide the treatment rather than build up the tension, trauma and stress between/among the parents and child. Try to see this as a medical issue, which requires expertise and support from trained pediatricians/therapist, special education teachers, and 504 or IEP. If his brain has a structure, response trigger or neurochemical deficiency related to ADHD, Autism, or a sensory processing disorder than punishing him for lack of executive functioning, emotional regulation, or following neurotypical patterns is like punishing a child in a wheelchair for not walking or an untreated diabetic person for going into diabetic shock. Please get professional support for his medical treatment and protect your role to be his loving mom and defend your time with him for bonding, connecting and joy...find an outdoor hobby, games etc. where he can be himself and happy
Also, the ADHD brain may not be producing or processing dopamine or certain neurochemicals he needs, so ask a pediatrician if you should consider a medicine trial, starting at low doses. This is also something you might want to try, the earlier the better.
His behavior seems like it may be triggered by the foods and drinks he consumes.
Mine did the same thing you’ve described at age 3. It was heartbreaking.
So, I monitored him for 1 month day and night and figured it out. It was the food mine ate and drank.
Most parents can’t or won’t wrap their minds around this. But these kids are having reactions which expose themselves through their behavior.
What I did for my family was:
I eliminated, ALL Dairy, Gluten and High fructose corn syrup. Especially artificial dye—(All of them). MSG is a big culprit. Most /All the preservatives are chemicals. Careful of medicine as well. They have dyes in them. READ LABELS. Look up the definition of ingredients.
This takes an active role to figure out as all kids struggle with different behaviors and with food addictions.
It took 1 week before I seen the behaviors go away and 6 months before my son was rid of all those Neuro- toxins. No medicine needed.
Just feed kids and likely yourself or the household NO processed or fast food and watch the magic.
Educate yourself on the GAPS diet.
Watch out for “air fresheners” as well. I’ve seen kids go ballistic after being exposed to these.
“Environmental Allergies” is what I hear (they) call it.
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I’m new here baseball son question 
On to drug #2
Feeling lost 
Irritability and stimulants
IEP necessary? 
