Feeling depressed again

Hi,

I posted on here a couple of months ago about possibly feeling depressed and some ongoing issues I had, and everyone was so welcoming and helpful, I'm so grateful for all the replies I had.

I did start feeling better after not too long but more recently I've began to feel extremely down again, I had a couple of panic attacks last week before college and have felt extremely ill and generally completely worn down.

I have been fine coping with the stress of everything for a while now, but it's getting too much; I have exams starting next week, and I really don't think I have enough time to finish all of my revision, I've been getting quite worked up about it all; because of exams, I've been feeling ill coming into college, which makes it worse because I can't concentrate in my lessons; I also feel like I am the subject of quite personal bullying at the moment, which is making me feel rubbish about everything I do, a recent event with a close friend which should not have caused any problems at all has lead to her being extremely hostile towards me, being plain rude and nasty, or just not talking to me, and this makes me want to say of college even more; I also feel like I'm beginning to hate myself again, really, really hate myself. I looked in the mirror last night, and I felt disgusted, everyone says that I'm the perfect size and height and everything, but for the first time, I felt like I absolutely hated my body...I looked at my arms and saw they were too big, my legs were too stubby, and the closer I looked the more I found wrong with myself. I then went too far and cut myself again, worse than last time, it still feels like it's burning and it's been so painful, but I needed to do it.

Now I don't really know what to do, because I don't feel like anything is going to get better anytime soon.

Sorry for the long post

Alicia

5 Replies

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  • At the moment Hun, I think it's the exams that are tipping you over the edge. I was so close to the edge during exam time. A lot of times, self-harm is used as a coping mechanism. It's a way for you to feel in control, the psychology behind it is much like that of an eating disorder. Often they feel their lives out of control and they use diet as a way to control something and it makes them feel more powerful.

    Is there anyone you can talk to when you are thinking about self-harming? Someone who can help you feel more in control and give you enouragement?

    There was a time when I hated myself. I didn't even shower, just washed my hair and cleaned my arm pits. I just couldn't bear to even look down at myself as I just saw fat and ugliness. And the thing is, I'm heavier now than I was back then (possibly a stone heavier). But still, no one thinks I'm fat. I'm trying to concentrate on losing weight now. But the point is, I was skinnier back then and yet I saw myself as fat and ugly. Sometimes we see ourselves in a distorted view - it's called body dysmorphia. Everyone has a bit of this at some point in their lives, it becomes dangerous when people develop eating disorders.

    Have you spoken to your GP about the self-harm? x

  • Thank you so much for the reply.

    I have a friend who has had other friends who have struggled with all sorts of problems previously, from being abused to having eating disorders, she's assured me she's always here for me and regularly texts me to make sure I'm okay.

    I've never really had problems with exams, and the exam period, but at the moment it just seems impossible.

    I haven't spoken to my GP, and my dad only knows I did it once a couple of months ago, but I told him I had stopped.

    Alicia

  • Maybe it's time to open up Darling. Let your dad know how you feel. You never know, he may be able to help you overcome this. Sometimes the emotional support is all it takes. Self-harm is a sign that someone isn't coping, so let someone help you to cope. Have a heart to heart with your dad. Sometimes discussing your problems can out them in perspective and make everything more clear x

  • I spoke to him last night, it took a while for me to tell him and he told me that he had also experienced very low self esteem and a feeling of worthlessness when he was young also, but reassured me it's all going to be okay, and as long as I'm me that'll be enough.

    About the self harming, he said I need to let myself heal, and got me to promise him I won't do it today.

    At least it's a start.

    Thanks for the support

    Alicia

  • That's great, at least you know he is there for you. Not everyone has someone they can open up to.

    The depression could be genetic if your dad was the same. But the good news is it won't last forever :). At least your dad has been through the same and can relate to you x

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