Depression and relationships

Just wanting to give everyone else advice. Do NOT end relationships because you are feeling depressed/anxious.

Loss of feelings of love is a symptom of depression. I have ended relationships twice for this reason and regretted it so much.

With my husband, I panicked because I no longer felt love for him. I got really panicked, presented at the medical centre saying that I had killed him, killed our cats, had hurt children and we shouldn't have children because I would hurt them.

I didn't feel any love towards him at all and even managed to convince myself for a while that he was trying to kill me. We had a lot of songs/catchphrases etc and they all seemed stupid and meaningless. The explanation for that seemed to be that I didn't love him.

Even when I looked at love letters, poems, photographs etc it all seemed as if someone else had written it, or I had written it but didn't really mean it and had been making it all up. I managed to convince myself that if I stayed with him I would be unhappy for the rest of my life. I also felt that he would be better off without me because I was controlling and nasty. I can be quite controlling, want to have my own way etc but don't we all?? We had had some physical fights and I was really scared that if we had a child, I would hurt it physically.

I also became convinced that I had hurt lots of children in my care (I'm a teacher) and that, for example, when they had wet themselves etc, it was because I had sexually harrassed them and they were now suffering from bladder problems.

I still had a sex drive in that I wanted to have sex but didn't enjoy it when it happened. I took this as more evidence that I didn't love him and we shouldn't be together.

I brought my mum out to see us which was probably the worst thing that I could do. (Well, I didn't delberately bring her out but somewhere in my panic, I rang her telling her that I had killed people and now I had killed myself and she came out in a panic.

I also got convinced that my mum had cancer and the only way to save her was for my husband and I to separate and for me to go and look after her and my dad.

She is generally quite critical of me, and told me that we were 'too disorganised' to have a baby, because we both have 'male brains' and I need to be around someone that has 'a female brain' who could look after me. One of the things that I had been worrying about was that I couldn't keep the house the way I wanted it because I felt that it had to look perfect all of the time, so this just reinforced that worry. She criticised the house for being 'like a student house' because, for example, we kept the clock a few minutes fast so as not to be late. I was trying REALLY hard for the period prior to this to keep the house looking perfect so to be told that was very hurtful. My husband was quite tidy but not very hygenic and was going through a phase of peeing in the sink. I had previously been okay with this and seen it as one of his little foibles. I remember laughing with him about it in the jacuzzi on our honeymoon, when he said that it was a family trait and the best day of his life was seeing his dad pee in the sink.

Because I felt that he was trying to trick me, I wanted him away from me so asked him to go out, stay out of the house etc. My mum manipulated this into saying that he went out drinking every night and left me alone, which isn't true.

I was also extremely paranoid that he was or had cheated on me as I had had an email from an ex of his saying that he had slept with her whilst we had been together. He was also sending sexual messages to other women, which he was always quite open about, saying that it was the same as looking at porn/flirting and I was always quite accepting of this. He told me that he would stop if it would make me stay, but my mum told me that this doesn't happen in 'a normal loving relationship', which was more evidence that we were not a normal loving relationship, couldn't have a baby together etc. Putting this more into context, we had had threesomes etc in the relationship, which we had both agreed to, but the jealousy and paranoia from that was another thing that made it difficult to be around him.

Everything they said I accused them of 'trying to trick me' because I felt that they were trying to trick me into saying that I didn't love him or trying to prove how horrible I was. Although I no longer believed that I was a paedophile or murderer, I still believed that I was a horrible, controlling person and had failed at everything in my life and everyone hated me and was talking about me behind my back. I wouldn't see any friends because I was scared that they would be laughing at me. Which of course meant that I wasn't getting any perspective on the situation other than from my mum (who didn't fully understand the situation and naturally doubts my ability to cope etc) and my husband (who I felt was laughing at me, trying to trick me). I tended to have my mum with me in social situations, which meant I couldn't talk properly about how I was feeling. Everything that they said had a double meaning for me. For example, my mum asked my husband how he was getting on with his assignment and he said, "now I know what the outcome of it is going to be I am just bored of it", which I took to mean that now he knew that I didn't love him any more, he was bored of me. I also remember seeing him pour a glass of apple juice and feeling that it was a threat and a way of sending a message that he knew that I didn't love him.

I was prescribed olanzapine (anti psychotic) and an anti depressant. They didn't properly kick in until I had already left, which of course meant that I felt 'better' after leaving- another reason. The psychiatic nurse I was seeing told me not to make a decision about leaving while I was still feeling depressed.

However, I also had a belief that he was trying to get me to leave him and to blame me for it and leave me with no money, so I was trying to at least get some money and then wait and see if he asked for me back so that I wasn't left with nothing. Somewhere in doing this, I forgot my plans (I was honestly struggling at that point to hold thoughts in my head) so even when he continued to beg me to come back, I continued to say no.

This was about 8 months ago now. For the first 4 or 5 months, he was still trying to convince me that we should be together and was sorry for everything that he had done (although in truth he hadn't really done anything) and I was still saying that I didn't love him enough and wouldn't see him. My dad also told me that I mustn't meet him or talk to him, even when he came back to the UK to see me because it would be evidence that the marriage hadn't broken down irretrievably. He even offered to attend a marriage counsellor with me, which he had previously been really against, and I said no, because I didn't feel that it could change the fact that I didn't love him. I also felt that I had married him for the wrong reasons, and I should have married my previous partner (I ended that relationship due to a similar depressive episode).

Eventually, he got fed up of it all and he has now met someone else. Furthermore, he no longer wants to have children, even if we do manage to work things out. I can't blame him for this at all; he tried his best to fight for us and I just threw it all back in his face.

I just feel incredibly despondent and regretful. I blame both my parents for advising me not to see him and my mum for convincing me to leave. This is not totally their fault as I manipulated the situation to suit me and to put myself in the best possible light. I just wish I could go back a few months and change things, which I can't do.

My mum (who is very good at manipulating situations, rewriting history etc) has told everyone how 'badly' he treated me and how it was all his fault (which it wasn't). He was in hospital with me for about 3 days, while I didn't believe he was who he said he was and kept telling him that I didn't love him. I also didn't want people to think that I had just walked out of a marriage for no reason, so I told people that he had cheated on me and treated me badly. For example, I told people that during a fight he poured beer over me and spat in my face, but not about the numerous times that I scratched or bit him, or the fact that I had provoked him in this instance.

I feel like I am in a prison of my own making. I can't even tell people any positives about our life together without them rolling their eyes and telling me how glad I must be to be out of there. I can't bear to be around either of my parents because I blame them so completely for what happened and I can't bear to be around people who I knew through my ex husband.

People also often say to me, "well, you must have had a good reason for leaving, it's not like you just left on a random whim", when in fact, it pretty much IS like I just left on a random whim. I felt scared of him and believed he was trying to kill me, which had no basis in reality and at the same. time, I also believed that I was a paedophile, that I had killed my little brother when I was little, neither of which are true (obviously).

Anti depressants don't particularly help, because there is nothing TO feel positive about. I haven't really been able to get much work since coming back to the UK, I don't have anywhere proper to live and am lodging with my little brother (now that really IS like a student house). I don't have any of my possessions or my cats. I have tended to live in the countryside for the last ten years or so and really hate living in a city, something no-one here can understand. I can't explain the situation to anyone because a lot of the reasons I left were delusional beliefs, which I no longer hold.

I could bear the situation when I felt that I didn't love him and at least I didn't have to pretend any more that I did. However, in the last 3 months, that love has come back and all the letters, photos poems etc now seem positive.

It is all my own fault that I am in this situation and nothing is harder to bear than regret. All I want is to turn the clock back and I can't.

Everything around me looks dark and scary and lonely and I hate all of the people around me for not being my husband. I can't even blame him or feel anger towards him because it was all my fault. And I can't explain THAT to anyone because I told them bad stuff about him, so they will just remind me of the bad stuff (the vast majority of it was stuff that was actually PART of our relationship or stuff we did together for a joke. Another example: he weed on me when we had friends round- anyone who actually knew us will know that I found this hilarious and told anyone who would listen about it).

I can't imagine having another relationship with anyone else now because the same problems that have been in my previous relationships (i.e. me being controlling, violent, liking the idea of them with other women, then getting jealous) will still be there.

I have absolutely no grounds for divorce and am totally 100 percent at fault so can't even expect to get any money out of it.

I have at least managed to cry while writing this down, which is an improvement on having no feelings at all.

Pretty much the way I get myself through the day at the moment is that I think if I have even one thing to look forward to that day, usually something really small like having a cup of coffee in the morning or having someone smile at me, or just putting pyjamas on at the end of the day then I think, "well, I'll have that today and I'll kill myself tomorrow....."

I have been looking at websites about suicide and am really considering taking an overdose of my olanzapine

So anyway, to cut a long story short. Never NEVER end a relationship when you are feeling depressed and because you think you don't love them any more- and at least if you are going to do so, talk to LOTS of non judgemental people first and try to list lots of positives about them and about your relationship; things might all change and realising that you love someone who used to love you is the saddest thing in the world.

5 Replies

  • Hello

    Sorry for the way you are, I really do not know what to suggest, your complaint needs treatment so you need to ask to to see your GP who will arrange for a specialist who would be able to help you.

    If now you are feeling so bad, you need to phone NHS Direct and they will take you to a place of safety so they can give some treatment and stabilize your condition as all seems to have gone on for to long.

    If you cannot use the phone go to A and E and they will be able too assist


  • Hello there, I have read your post. I hope that writing it all out to us on here has eased your feelings a little. You say you managed to have a cry when writing it all out and so hopefully that has reduced the intensity of it by a small fraction.

    It sounds like you have been through a huge amount and understandably so angry and distraught about ending a relationship when you were ill with the psychosis. When someone is going through a psychotic episode really they are not responsible for all they say and do and so you must not blame yourself too much as you were ill at the time.

    I am worried about you a little at the moment due to what you put in the last part.

    If you are under the care of any mental health team then it may be an idea to discuss all this when you see them next or if you dont' have an appointment to make an appointment with them soon. If you are in immediate danger then I would recommend you follow the advice that Bob the other poster has put up.

    It is sad reading your story. It does sound like you have a number of interpersonal issues which need working through but no doubt these are related to your illness so it is treatement for the illness that you really need to focus on . Apologies for the brevity of my reply as I'm very tired but I did read it and hope you can get some help with working through your feelings over this whole issue. Take good care :) Gemmalouise

  • I think there is an awful lot going on you for here, and it seems a bit bigger than being depressed / anxious. However, I do agree with your advice about being hasty to end relationships. I suffered PND twice and both occasions, caused the break up of our relationship. I have a lot of regrets about that now, and feel that had I sought proper help for being depressed, we might still have been together now x

  • I hope you go for help as it's clear that you have been very ill. I

    Would agree that it's best not to make any major decisions when

    You are not well mentally. This brings me back to you, I am sorry you

    Have been through so much, but you really need to get professional

    Help as it's not just Depression or Anxiety, but it needs attention.

    When you broke up your marriage you were not well, so before things escalate

    Please see a Dr. Or go to A & E.

    I hope writing this has helped you .


  • Wanted you to know I read your post. Thank you for sharing this.

    I hope you feel a little better for writing it Down here and sharing it with us.

    One positive thing I take from this terrible illness is the opportunity to get to know me.

    It sounds like along the way, in all of the sad and awful things that have happened,you have learnt a lot about you and thank you for the advice about ending relationships when depressed or anxious, I too have done this. We could have gone on doing this, although we didn't we sought help. It's a tough journey but there is help out there. Seek out that help and get some hope back. The knowledge you now have about yourself and why you did what you did /acted the way you did is a massive step.You have come a long way to get there.

    I truly wish you well. Keep writing on here some fab people, it helped me through some very dark days.

    Sue xx

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