I'm so lost and confused

Last year I was diagnosed with depression I refused the medication as I have always felt that medication makes you dependant on it and worsen. They gave me talking therepy but I felt that the woman was putting words into my mouth and writing things about me so I cancelled them. I quit school because I can't stand seeing people and I would end up losing my temper and doing silly things there. I spend most of my time in my room looking at the wall feeling confused lost and crying, I get some sudden bursts of happiness where I go out and I am really happy but this only happens every few months. The only time other than that that I actually leave the house is just go to work and I avoid conversations by constantly listening to music. I just know I haven't always felt like this as a small child around 8 I used to always feel useless and try and kill myself, strangling myself and clawing my face. Around 15 things got a lot better up until I turned 17 and things fit a lot worse I constantly think of a way out and feel like I'm an alien on this planet. I hate talking to people in person about how I feel and this is the only way I can actually explain how I feel.

What can I do?

6 Replies

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  • My belief is that you sound as though you have depression and need help but have had trouble talking to people and taking meds for it. I look upon depression as an illness and, like any illness be it heart trouble , stomach problems.. anything, if you are sick you take medication for it to help you get better. You don't have to stay on medication forever but it may help you to get through this difficult time in your life.All the best. xx

  • Hi, I too was totally against medication, mother was (retired) a pharmacist, husband (deceased) a toxicologist. I had mixed emotions about being prescribed medication. It took a few attempts at getting the one that suited me. They tried several but the side effects were horrible. Even with tablets it takes at least 10 to 14 days before you start to feel the effect. There is a difference, you might still have highs and lows but not as severe. Also without the meds, scenario - knocking a cup of tea over would have been devastating - literally earth shattering to me. Now if it happens - I just think boll....ks, clean it up. (excuse my language).

    The other way of looking at it things are heightened 'making a mountain out of a mole hill" everything always seemed so much worse. With the meds - it's a 'little' calmer. Also think of it this way - if your GP does prescribe something - you are taking back control of your life. Which in itself is a positive route to take. So seek help again from your GP or even talk to a nurse.

    I had a counseling session (six weeks) no idea why/what it was supposed to do, all you do is say everything and they don't give you tips about how to calm yourself down, just sit and write notes. I had hoped they could have made suggestions etc.. Even a simple thing like when you feel this way, stop and slowly count to ten. I personally didn't see the benefit of it.

    When you say about the music etc, I tend to go inwards, close off the outside world - even my wonderful family. They thankfully have never taken it personally. I treat it as having my own personal space.

    Good luck.

  • I don't like medication either.

    The main reason: I was put on tranquilizers for a short time when I was 10 in the 1970s. Most of them ended up in the garden as I spat them through the window when my mother wasn't looking :). I was having problems with a teacher at school. What I really needed was help expressing my feelings and what I got was tablets. Even today there is a small child in me that is telling me that I am being given tablets to shut me up.

    I'm not on anti-depressants at the moment though I was on anti-depressants for most of a year about 10 years ago. I was on prozac for a while. It didn't really have any physical side effects and was useful in some ways but I don't think I could bring myself to take it again - partly fear of dependency and partly a suspicion that whilst it stopped me feeling anxious about nothing it also stopped me worrying and caring about things that I should worry and care about. It didn't really stop me bursting into tears when I got upset, but it did stop me caring what other people felt about the fact that I was bursting into tears ... or flying off the handle. HOWEVER, it did have one really useful long term effect which is that I no longer get het up about other people's bad driving - something that really used to get me so up-tight and cross before. So, I guess they can create a space in which you can learn to see and react to your thoughts different.

    I was also on citalopram for a very short time - 4 days - side-affect from that was very vivid dreams (not unpleasant but very vivid). It completely spooked me as I feared I might lose my grip on reality ... and that was when I stopped taking anything.

    Ironically I'm quite blaze about taking painkillers at times - can rattle like a pill-box when I have a headache sometimes :) Though even then there are some that I am wary of - I like the minor high I get on tramadol so I don't take it very often or for more than a day at a time because I know that is an addictive one. I like codeine because it makes me sleep - bizarrely not at the time but 24 hours later - and had that given to me when I was in hospital with a broken ankle and waiting for it to be operated on - but after a few days the constantly feeling zonked got to me and I stopped taking it.

    I've done counselling in the past - there are different types - space to talk worked for me but more CBT focused stuff didn't - though that was probably more to do with being unable trust the therapist who kept going on about my being an angry person which just made me frustrated and angry because I'm not really an angry person though I do have problems knowing how to deal with anger - causes a fear and my main coping strategy for that has been the calm of sadness so downward spiral leading to depression - not good.

    You may find another therapist is different - and if you feel that they are judging and spying then the thing to do is tell them that. Lot easier said than done, I know. :)

  • I agree - things can be totally different with different counsellors. I'm having a series of sessions with someone who is a brilliant 'fit' for me. I'm not keen on straightforward CBT - which I can do online anyway, but like a counsellor who is really logical. One previous one was just too easy-going and spontaneous for me, although I liked her.

    We did mention anger on Wednesday - related to peer rejection etc. but I was allowed to say whether or not I agreed and want to work alone in the meantime on people who have gone behind my back and caused problems.

    Good luck

    Ann

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  • M suffering with the same problem...

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