Not sure which way to turn, on the edge....

[flatwhite]

Not sure where to start. I am at a point if no return in some respects. I've been diagnosed with depression for the 2nd time in 18 months and come to a point in my life where I feel everything from top to bottom is a complete disaster except for my son. He adores me and looks up to me so much it breaks my heart to the point I think I'm undeserving of everything. I live alone, have limited social life and have hit rock bottom in terms of social skills. I feel dead inside and struggle to get up in a morning never mind get through the day. I'm hugely in debt, struggle to cope on every level in terms of looking after myself and have a wonderful well paid job which I don't know how to do any more, coupled with the fact ive been forced to go back to work as i will lose my job otherwise. Now im on a disciplinary because of my absence. As much as I try to focus on the positive the negative rears it ugly head minute by minute and leads to panic attacks/ anxiety when I'm out shopping, in company or in fact anywhere.

At the moment except for my son and his smiling face everything is just so dark and I feel like there is no way out. I'm stranded and not sure which way to turn. I'm currently on fluoxetine and also Zimovane to help my sleep. I manage about 2 hours every night and for all the trying to avoid negative thinking with exercise etc I wake up in the morning to the same problems that just do not go away

I know at times the only person to make the changes is me but struggling to see how I can change things when I see a huge darkness in my life. 

I have a very supportive family and a few friends but as much as they will me and try to support me sometimes the last thing I want to hear is how good and wonderful I am when I don't believe it at all. I'm nearly 40 and the only good thing I've done is help bring a wonderful young boy into this world. 

Sorry for the ramble. I suppose this is a cry for help and advice if possible and any advice is greatly appreciated.

[anniebooty]

Hello,

There's no need to say sorry I know exactly how you feel I'm currently in a similar situation. And it's hard I know I guess the only best thing to do is to take it step by step and at a pace you feel comfortable with. The only thing I haven't got is support but that was down to me because I haven't told anyone but only recently I told my sister but not the whole story same goes for friends and work colleague's. The reason for that is because I don't know where to start in telling people whats been happening it's still hard to say anything to my sister but anyway. Hope it helps not really good in giving advice lol but I'm more than happy to listen take care

Anna xx

[bodicea]

Hi, it was likereading abot myself, oh how easy it is for people to try to boost yo with platatdes, when inside is dead. All i feel is empty and nothing sticks.I tried to feel better for New Year and on New Years day things came crashing again and now i don't wan tto bother. I am sorry yo feel so bad bt sometimes we need to be selfish and look after ourselves and not worry about other people. i have my granddaughter who brings a smile but even as i write this i can't physically cope with her being here. I am going back to my doctor this week bt don;t feel optomisitc. I sometimes wish i had someone to listen and maybe give me a hg (now i crying)

I have a hsband and family but i can se it in theior faces (oh no not again) then they expect me to run around after them!!!) Please take care of yourself and try to focs on one day only try not to think of the days ahead - if you can get thr just one day at a time then you are winning. I hope things feel a little better each day

with love and my support -Gillianxxxx

[Hidden]

Hi

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time at the moment but your son sounds lucky tohave a mum who loves him so much! You say you family say how good you are how wonderful you are and I wonder how that makes you feel. If I was feeling awful, really struggling, and people told me how wonderful I am, then I would feel they didn't understand how I was really feeling and that would make me feel worse. Have you told them how awful you are feeling? If you haven't then why not? If you have and they still try to reassure you then I would be feeling angry that they are just not taking you seriously. If you are feeling awful you need someone to hear that and to want to help. Is there any particular help you would like from them and if so can you ask them? Obviously they can't pay the mortgage but they may be able to help in small ways. If you think they won't help, then perhaps that explains your depression? You'd find it helpful to talk with someone outside the family if that's the case.

I do hope you are able to tell your family how you feel and what it is that you would like from them.

Suexx