I have always suffered from low moods. It could well be the result of years of drug abuse when I was young. I have never been able to talk to anyone about how I feel and what is constantly swirling round inside my head. Everything gets bottled up but this only results in explosions every so often. I've contemplated suicide a few times but it was the thought of leaving my wife and daughter that made me change my mind. I love them, and all of my family. I worry about things too much. Big things and little things. If someone told me that their dog had ran away, I would sit and think about it constantly, lying in bed at night, unable to sleep. Stupid, I know.
I've never had any confidence, which is the main reason I took drugs. I cannot make eye contact with people or engage in conversation with people. I just clam up and go red, scared of what they think of me. I want people to like me, so I act the fool, telling jokes, making people laugh. It's all just a facade. Inside, I'm a nervous and emotional wreck.
I have been on antidepressants a lot of times, taken them for a few months, then thought to myself that I didn't need them. So, I stopped taking them. I was unwilling to admit that I have a mental health problem. My one true friend, my wife, has supported me throughout our fifteen years, consoling me when I am down. She has always been there for me. She was so worried about me, making herself bad. I was so wrapped up in myself and my problems that I didn't stop to think about her.
When I felt good, things seemed fine. I'd do my chores around the house, we'd have a right laugh and enjoy our time together. Then I'd start feeling down again. The viscous circle returns.
This past few months have been the final straw for my wife. Yet again, I've been too wrapped up in my own feelings, taking her for granted. She went back to her mum's the other day. I know she needed to do it for herself but it hasn't made it any easier. She is back at home now which is a great relief to me. I know I'm being selfish yet again by saying this, but I cannot manage without her. Never did I expect things to return to normal when she said she was staying. I knew I had to change, to accept things.
I just miss those certain things. Her smile, holding of hands, the hug when she gets home from work. All those things that I always thought trivial. She still doesn't know if she wants to stay. Obviously she needs time to think it out. I know it is probably a case of 'too little, too late' but this has been the kick up the arse I needed. I am committed to showing her that I can accept my depression, work with it and overcome it. To show her that I can think of others and not just myself.
The first step took place this morning. I went to the doctors. I am starting to take my medication again. This time however, I will not stop taking it when I think I am ok. I know that there is more than my health at risk here. I am also responsible for the health of my wife and daughter. Responsible for my marriage. I just hope that it is not a case of 'too little, too late'.
I love you Kay