Fearless

[Afrayed]

I've spent my life wondering if I were somehow born with an immunity to fear.

Climbing sheer cliffs, Ice walls, mountains, jumping off cliffs, jumping from planes, rescuing people in great danger, flying dangerous missions without regard for my safety have been a regular part of my life. I don't just deal with fear, I seek it out.

Four months ago, I discovered that I do not have an immunity to fear.

My wife suffered a Stroke. I very nearly lost her that day. And as I stood next to her in the ICU, I experienced fear as never before. Fear of losing the person that means everything to me.

The hope and desire that the fear would go away has grown into despair and depression. Every morning I am consumed with the fear of losing her. Her health is bad, and I could lose her at any time.

My work requires that I travel. How will I be able to live with myself if she dies while I am away? Each day I try to come to terms with the possibility of losing her. I do not want to walk this Earth without her. And yet, I have no control over this eventuality.

I have lost family and beloved pets throughout my life. None of these losses have ever affected me in any debilitating way.

I have worked hard and planned for my Golden years. How I have survived this long is a miracle. For many years I was labeled an Adrenaline Junkie. Deservedly so.

For the first time in my life there is an obstacle in front of me that I am unable to get past. I cannot see a way around or through it. I am paralyzed with fear. Everything I have done to this point in my life seems meaningless without her next to me.

I am a proven Warrior. Success has never eluded me. I am blessed with intelligence, strength, wisdom, health, and superior problem-solving skills.

And yet, here I am. I'm not here thinking that someone will give me some nugget of hope or insight that will set me back upon the right path. I just need someone to talk to...