I feel like I'm in a spiral

[justwanderin]

Hello to everyone reading, so I'm new around here and don't consider myself much of a writer but I always read other people's posts about things I too want to badly ask and wonder why don't I finally share my thoughts and struggles online so here I am This is probably gonna be a long story since I'm not very good at summarizing stuff briefly

I'm 19 years old and I have massive mood swings which put me off balance whenever I feel like Im starting to achieve something and I think I've narrowed down the possible causes of this to me constantly comparing myself to others and and thinking that life has cursed me in some way. These thoughts constantly set me back and I feel even more frustrated because the gap between me and my peers is getting even larger. Like I know I shouldn't be thinnking about such things but why is it that I have such a thought pattern, constantly comparing even on a subconscious level.

This all started happening when I was around 16 and since I wasn't living a very exciting life I felt displeased and began to think if I copy someone's daily routine, principles and approach to life I would yield the same results and the more I did this the more I lost myself in the process. Like at one time I asked a friend do you put sweatpants when you get home from school since I couldn't answer for myself should I do it or not.

I eventually realized this is a very unhealthy way of thinking and got rid of it but then I began comparing myself to others and since I didn't have any achievements i felt embarassed in the company of other people who did so much more with their life at an early age and even now. I'm also massively insecure about my looks even though most people have told me Im good looking (for real :D).I just don't see any beauty in my physical appearance and I don't get why are others able to see it and I can't. it's strange because I'm not the type of guy who finds people who meet the typical beauty standards attractive but rather genuinely belives that everyone is beautiful in their own way ( Im saying genuinely because most people who claim this just try to trick themselves into believing they are beautiful). but in my case the only person I don't see any beauty in the physical sense is myself. in my eyes my proportions are awful I don't like my hair, my teeth, my nose and this in combination with me comparing myself to others just shatters my confidence every time. The other side of this is that in my eyes everyone was living this dynamic life full of excitement and sadness and here I am feeling dull just performing the same stuff I did yesterday. I tried picking up different hobbies here and there but I knew from the start it wasn't my thing and felt terrible after failing to get into at something yet again.

Like most of my friends went abroad and are livig such a thrillig life (and no its not the" its all in my head" type of stuff but they're really living an adventure), the carrer path they've chosen came so naturally to them while I'm still wondering if I've taKen the right decision and I'm so envious not to the point where I hate them bUT to the point where I ask why the @$&% am I the one who happens to be left behind in all this. Whenever such thoughts come to my mind I feel like just ending it since I can't focus on my current tasks and like I said the gap is increasing but then feel guilty for even thinking such a thing after all the things my parents have done for me. I know there are people around the world who have it far worse than me and I'm just a whiny youngster compared to them but I can't help it because it's just the way I am or so i think and haven't put enough effort to change it. but I feel powerless and so sad at times that I just can't...

anyways thanks to everyone who took their time to read my headbumps with life. I hope you aren't in the mental situation that I'm in and even if you are if it helps know that you aren't alone. peace (oh the irony)

[hypercat54]

Hi every one of us is insecure in our looks - even famous people you would say were fantastic looking. Don't forget when we look at ourselves it is in repose and when others see us it is looking animated, chatting and smiling. That makes a huge difference.

As for your friends I think you are just seeing the ones that did go abroad and to you are leading such an exciting life. How do you know they are? Or are you just assuming they are? How many of them are thinking this was a big mistake or are feeling homesick, or even dislike their job? The thing is we all have problems and just because you can't see others pain doesn't mean it's not there.

There is one thing that no one else in the world has apart from you and that is yourself. No one else can be as good as you at being yourself so you are a world beater even if you aren't aware of it. Every one of us brings something unique to the world and we owe it to ourselves to be the best version of ourselves we can be.

Try and live in the present and not worry too much about the future. Life has a way of pointing us in the right direction when we least expect it.

When I was in my 20's I was drifting in and out of jobs feeling unfulfilled and thinking everyone else was having a great time apart from me. That is until 1 day I happened to buy the local paper (never usually did) and it fell open at an advert looking for mature students to go to university. I didn't even realise consciously that this was a big dream of mine but when I saw that ad my heart stopped and I immediately applied and got in. I had some great times. Life has a way of doing that to you, so just persevere and see what happens in the future. You are very young yet and have a lifetime of pleasant surprises waiting for you. x

[justwanderin in reply to hypercat54]

Thank you for your post and the provided support. Every point you've made has crossed my mind and I agree on every level with them. It's just so hard because these feelings start creeping in when im in company and I feel inferior to my friends.

Yes it is true not all of them have the perfect life but somehow things work out for them in a good way and as for me... Well just to give you an example. I started working out around 2015 but stopped because my shoulder wasn't feeling well. It wasn't any serious pain though so I didn't go to see an expert. Recently I started working out again and I've always been the type to research and be careful with my body so I read about stretches, healthy eating etc. My shoulder pain came back and plus that I've been feeling pain in my wrist. So I saw a doctor for the shoulder and he's yet to determine if I need surgery or not.Meanwhile 2 of my friends have always been sort of reckless with these kinds of things, haven't been eating healthy for a long time and yet they don't have such problems. And I know that it's not the case but I can't help but think that life has some problem with me having a joyful existence.

But as they say some people make excuses while others make opportunities. I just need to get rid of this habit of comparing myself and trying to live up to some imaginary standards yet I don't know how... Again thank you for the support. It means alot