I will regret this later

[Shasi_]

I am having an existential crisis. I just need to vent to someone. I am clearly very upset right now so I might just be a tad bit over dramatic and I feel that it is appropriate in this situation because I was triggered by a few not so pleasant individuals who I will not name due to, unfortunately, being raised to respect peoples privacy. I hate people in my school sometimes, but don't we all at times? Even so, I hate myself most. I used to be this very smart, "intuitive"(as if), and an outgoing person when I was a bit younger. Then puberty hit, I guess, however, the problem wasn't puberty itself. The problem was that certain things which had taken place earlier on in my life were finally catching up to me and I just became sad. I let my past define who I am and I even used it as an excuse, a way to have others pity me and by others I mean my family so I could get away with slacking. It didn't work, how shocking. If you want to change you can and people don't like hearing excuses they like seeing results. That is why it hadn't worked for me and it never will. I am not saying I should just get over my past, but I am saying I should move on which is proving to be very hard because the older you get the more you understand what you've been through and how unhealthy it was for you. However, people can pity you for only so long before they begin to notice that you aren't changing and that you, in fact, are the problem. Others who haven't met the person you used to be will judge you off of who you are today. Which sometimes sets you back and halts whatever progress you were making, because these people don't know your battles, they see who you are right now and if you are a mess right now that's what they see. They don't see you trying, or your trying just isn't good enough. That's why you have to fight for yourself regardless of what people may say or think about you. Prove them wrong. Now here's where the problem comes in. All I do is prove people right about me being a mess and a failure. What keeps me going is the people around me who remind me of the potential I have to be better. But I've realized over the past few years that I am only pretending to do better for the sake of those around me, not because of my own will to do so. It's like I've given up and it's the same cycle of the same people and things every year. It's like nothing changes. Except now it is, most things are changing except for me. It's like I am stuck in this never-ending time zone of my own self-hate and apathetic life. I am upset that people see me as futile at times, even though I have most likely given them a valid reason to think so. It is my lack of interest in furthering my knowledge along with experience, that makes me appear that way. Due to slacking off for so long I am stuck with the same mindset and the only way I learn is through observing others rather than experiencing things for myself.

[hypercat54]

Do you feel better for venting? I am not sure if you are also looking for advice or comments so will leave it there for now.

I presume you are 16 or over and wonder if you have taken yourself off to your doctors coz this might be depression. x

[Shasi_ in reply to hypercat54]

I mean I wish I did feel better, but it's this constant feeling that I put aside until I can no longer hold it in and then it blows up in my face. After I vent I just feel drained and tired, maybe even worse than before. Also, it probably is depression, but where I am from you can't necessarily be diagnosed with depression or even be given something for it. It's more like that "get over it we're all sad" mindset that people around here have. I just wanted someone to hear me out and if anyone has any advice please don't hold it back because anything is better than nothing at this point. Going to a therapist or receiving any kind of pills to feel better is out of the question. There is no way my parents will take me to see one or take medication for this, I have tried, trust me and the answer has been no numerous times. Idk, I am usually fine but that's just because I'm pretty good at putting my problems aside and eventually there comes a point when it all catches up to you. Also, the reason why I said that I most likely do have depression, is because I've had a lot of the symptoms. At one point I noticed I would fall asleep a lot, especially when I was sad. It just became very easy for me to fall asleep and I would spend most of the day sleeping to avoid my problems. Also, I'd feel very drained after being around people. Then there is the lack of motivation to get up and do anything other than fulfill my needs such as eating. Sometimes I am much better but then there are those moments when I hit rock bottom.

P.S. It's mercury retrograde and every year I have the worst time during March.