Hello, I am writing a post for the first time here. I am very confused and I feel lost in my mind. I'm not sure whether or not I'm just being really dramatic or if I'm messed up. I feel so disgusted with myself and how I feel. I never feel good, I'm always negative, sad and worried about something. I feel super disconnected from everyone around me even my own parents and family. It's like there's a block in my mind preventing me from feeling any sort of connection with anyone. I have a really hard time making friends, the only people I speak to are people I've known my whole life and I'm not even close with them. Whenever I'm around them or anyone for that matter I feel like I'm just burdening them and wasting their time. I can tell nobody actually wants me around and they're much happier without me there. I have a hard time speaking and being around people and I get incredibly nervous and scared when I am put into any sort of social situation. I never mention anything because I know I will be judged for it but the people I know pick up on it and think it's stupid and make fun of me for it. It makes me feel stupid and useless that I can't even do something every basic human does and it also makes me feel really alienated. I think I'm an overly sensitive wussy because every single day I get offended by something that someone says to me and I never say that it offended me and I don't show that it did but I spend the rest of the day and even the rest of the week thinking of it and I remember it even years later. I still remember what someone said about my hair 3 years ago and I still get upset over it. I always seem to find a way to twist everything, sometimes I know someone doesn't mean to be rude but in my head i still perceive it that way. I always feel tensed and stressed whether it's because I have tests coming up or because I forgot to put my shoes in the closet. Somehow even when there's no real problem I still find a way to make one or find one and then spend my time thinking about it and stressing about it. Sometimes I complain to myself about people and what they do but then I realize it's really me that's the problem. If there's so many people around me that are happy and okay then they're clearly not the problem and it's obviously me. I can't be critical of other people when I'm the worst myself. I really hate everything about myself from my personality to my appearance. Every single thing is disgusting and I am a terrible person and I feel so sorry about that. I hate that my parents have to deal with me and I hate that they got stuck with someone like me. I hate that I've become a failure and when I think of my grandparents that have passed it makes me so upset knowing that they'd be so disappointed in who I've become. I've let them and everyone else down. I am actually really rude and selfish even though I wish with everything in me to not be. Another thing is whatever I try I fail at. I can't succeed at anything. I've attempted numerous extra curricular activities and I always seem to be the worst at what I do. Even if I do accomplish something like an academic award I still feel completely useless and stupid. I don't understand why I am this way and it makes me angry and upset. I hate that I react so negatively and I wish I could stop thinking that everyone is out to get me. What gets me the most is how guilty I always feel. What gives me the right to complain and feel upset when I have a normal life? I haven't gone through a tragedy and I have a home and parents. So why do I always feel worthless and disgusted with my life and wish I would never wake up when I fall asleep every night? I have no right to feel this way when there are people who have actually experienced extremely terrible things in their lives. I feel so bad and guilty for still feeling like this even though I realize people have it incredibly worse than I do. I think I'm feeling normal emotions but it doesn't seem normal when everyone around you is so disconnected and don't feel the same way. I've noticed myself begin to push people away and isolate myself from over 6 years ago and I don't understand why I do it but now I feel so detached from reality and the people in my life who are supposed to be important. I tend to be very empathetic and emotional but at the same time i get apethetic and I have many moments where I feel nothing at all and become completely emotionless. I feel overwhelmed by these opposing feelings and I also feel overwhelmed by everything. I can't stop thinking and I can't stop feeling terrible and I feel like I'm hurting everyone around me. I've made everyone's life worse and I wish I didn't exist. I feel like I'm going crazy.
I don't know what made me want to post this because I've never posted anything personal and I've not once spoken to anyone in real life about anything relatively personal to me. I know this post is all over the place, I couldn't really put my thoughts together well because I kept thinking too many things. I haven't really covered even half of what I'd like to say so I don't even know if any of this made any sense because I didn't fully explain my thoughts and feelings. I don't know if anyone will actually read this because it is so long. I'm really sorry if I offended anyone in this post. I'm just really tired and lost completely by myself where I've never been able to speak to anyone about how I feel. I'm just confused and don't know if I'm really messed up and belong in a cell or if I'm just being over emotional and overdramatic. Sorry again if this was offensive to anyone and sorry if this wasted your time.