I'm new and a lost pagan

[breezybz]

Basically just left home young had the classic fighting parents alcoholic dad abusive mom , after the shit with mom i left when i was 14. Basically been on my own since and with 4 different abusive relationships. At this point in my life i am feeling useless because i have this great career and own a business passed down from my stepfather. I love my job which is not as normal as usual but i can't seem to put myself together properly again like i feel so far from myself then i ever was. Basically just feeling worthless and i still have the nagging and the negativity from my mom still and i know my insecurities and everything come from the way i was treated by her. I just will never see myself like i should i i know it's from the way i was treated by my mother i have figured it out. but i just feel like i am now struggling as a woman in life for purpose things like that got an abortion on first pregnancy ever and was in a physically abuse relationship at the time and honestly felt i could never be a good mom after what i was shown , like she taught he how to cook and clean and that was all nothing self-esteem wise i have nothing . I wish i could wake up one day with the fire i once felt i had ......i feel very much like i have a huge PTSD problem and am not on meds and don't want to go on them... i should feel good for a while then boom all of the sudden i am down in the dumps again waking up alone everyday going to work alone and coming home alone .....i feel insecure and needy for love like i need more then most people i just want to be held and cared about and have some support in my work and someone to tell me they love me is it wrong to feel this way when i should focus on me but how do you huge your self anf give your self that same feeling ......just can't get away from how meaningless and worthless my life feels .............like i should have something from work to make me feel like i have meaning and i do but it's not enough to make me happy about my life in general. Faith is what i am told have faith take care of you and some day the right person will come yah okay whatever. This thought does nothing for me. Just feel like i will never be good enough.....

[pugwash80 Supporter]

Hi I'm not a professional. I had an abusive childhood. Though therapy I found that I looked for partner who would " take care" of me. Even in friendships. Ive learned that as an adult I am responsible for taking care of myself and loving myself even tho my inner child is still craving a parent.

I wholeheartedly recommend therapy although I am on medication too. Therapy is hard work but while working through. I'm on medication for life. It's took me a long time to get over that so I understand where you're coming from. I also recommend putting a relationship on the back burner till you start loving yourself. Hope this is some help. Hugs xx