Fix me

[Koliadados]

I'll just dive straight into this. I constantly feel numb. It's not even sad because I hardly ever cry, but it's that feeling after you've cried for a while and no longer have the energy to do anything other than stare at one spot for hours, that I feel. I don't think I have a bad life, on the contrary I think I have enough to be grateful for. That's exactly the problem though. Why is it that I'm hardly ever motivated? Why is it that I upset everyone around me all the time? Why is it that I feel so misunderstood and sometimes even neglected? I feel as if everyone sees me but they don't. The way people see me is as someone caring, but completely disoriented. I feel like no one can really help me the way I want them to. I feel as if my life has just been the same for so long that me doing bad or good doesn't change a thing. I feel as if I'm falling down a hole with a terrible ending. I've let people hurt me countless of times, but it's easier to forgive than to hold grudges. Big mistake. Because I am the type of person who remembers way to many unnecessary things to the point where I can't move on. I'm so fixated on changing people around me instead of realizing that I can only change myself. I just don't think it's fair that I go out of my way for so many people, yet hardly anyone has gone out of their way for me, and I know I shouldn't be asking that of people. At least I know that now. I need some kind of help, I want to be able to understand where things went wrong. how did I go from being this happy person to being this bitter and lost. I want someone to look at me and see just how strong I am for everyone and how much bullshit I take from people. i just want someone to confirm it for me. My dad expresses his love through money, but all i want from him is attention and awareness. I want him to stop seeing my mother when he looks at me, I want him to realize he missed out on raising me. I want my mother to start treating herself well and stop caring what irrelevant people think, so that i am able to follow into her footsteps. I act so much like her that is upsets me and I blame her for it. Even at school no one thinks I'll make it and I don't blame them because with this mindset I won't be going far. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to stop doing everything for everyone else, but instead to do it for me. I've always tried to make everyone else happy, yet now all I do is just have people angry or upset with me. I'm just tired. I don't wanna try, or at least I don't know how to. I don't think I can do it on my own, but I also don't think I can rely on anyone to fix me. When I see my future I see a drug addict. I never used to think so before. I just don't see anything else for me now. I felt guilty for so many things as a child and scared of so many things too. I used to have panic attacks during school and I hated everyone in my class. My mother was always worried but she also had a lot on her hands because of my father. The only person feel like I can rely on is my sibling. I feel abandoned by my dad and misunderstood by my mother. I do tell her how I feel though. I am open with my mom we just don't agree on many things. Okay this got way too long, so sorry if I wasted your time or confused the hell out of you..

[Hidden]

Hello Koliadados and welcome to our supportive Community.

I am sorry to hear of the difficulties you are experiencing at the moment.

Koliadados, I am not sure how old you are or where you live. You come across as being quite self aware. I think it perhaps would be a good idea to concentrate on yourself at the moment. Take time to explore new activities or interests you may enjoy. Do you feel able to talk to your mum or your sibling about how you are feeling?

It may also be helpful to arrange to talk to your school counsellor if this is possible.

Please do stay in touch Koliadados, I wish you well,

Lottie

[Koliadados in reply to Hidden]

I am 16 years old. I have tried talking to people, but It doesn't really help. I just feel so lazy and unmotivated. I've heard it all and yeah I am very aware about things, but I just wish someone would help me. I know I shouldn't expect that from people, but I just wish someone would have me do something new. I feel stuck in time.

[Hidden in reply to Koliadados]

Hello Koliadados

I hear what you are saying. OK so talking is not so helpful for you. You say you feel so lazy and unmotivated. What 'something new' would you like to do?

Koliadados, you have given some positive replies to other members of this Community. You demonstrate real insight for someone of 16 years of age. You show real promise and possess an aptitude for helping people. Have you thought about looking into a career in counselling/supporting people? Do you have a careers office at school where you could perhaps ask for more information?

Koliadados only you can motivate yourself. I know it is hard but it is a good idea to make a start somewhere. I tend to find once I have started it is easier to continue. It is so important that you force yourself to make a start on whatever you need to do. You can do it. Is confidence an issue here do you think? Though you come across as a confident person.

If you feel one-to-one would be more helpful there is a website called 7cupsoftea that might be worth a try.

We are here to support you in any way we can Koliadados, take care

Lottie

[Koliadados in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much that actually means a lot to me. I find it very easy to put my self in someone else's shoes which is why most people I know come to me for advice. I'm not saying that I'm great at giving advice, at least I don't think I am. I just try to be there for people. I am not confident with myself though. I've always been one to focus on what everyone else thinks or likes, so yes I do struggle with self-confidence. I know what you're saying though, even if all these people around me are putting me down I should still try and get myself back up. It's just hard to do all that on my own especially at this age. Sometimes I feel as if I'm just being dramatic or at least it's what my brother will tell me. I don't think I'm being dramatic at all. Not saying I have a bad life, just saying that there has to be a reason behind me being depressed way too often. I have tried 7cupsoftea, but at this point I guess I need to stop talking and start doing. That's the hard part for me. So sorry I'm dragging this on. You don't have to reply to this, but still thank you so much for listening and understanding

[Hidden]

Hello Koliadados, I do not think you are being dramatic nor are you dragging this out. I think you have incredible insight. When people are asking for help quite often by listening to them and acting as a 'sounding board' this is sufficient for their needs. Ok it seems that you need help with confidence and self-esteem issues. It is always harder to help yourself. Have you tried writing down specific areas you feel you need help in? Do you feel you could look objectively at each area as if you were helping your 'best friend.' Do you think this may help.

Koliadados you possess many skills and I think you show all the signs of having a bright future. Unfortunately I am not qualified to give you specialist support Koliadados. If you feel you need more specific help in relation to depression and confidence/self-esteem issues then please talk to your school counsellor or make an appointment to talk to your GP.

Please do keep in touch and let us know how you get on,

Lottie