About four years ago I was heavily suicidal and took part in self harm. I was being (unintentionally) bullied by my 'best friend' at school. She isolated me from other people, and due to the added bonus of hormone imbalances at the time, I became deeply depressed and wanted to die. I was only 12 years old at the time.
Now I am 16 years old. I thought I did a pretty good job of healing myself the last time, and I thought it was a one time thing. But now I am beginning to believe I am just one of those people who are fucked up (in the kindest possible way) and will continuously go through depressed phases for the rest of my life.
Last October (2016) I began to suffer from anxiety attacks due to upcoming exam seasons. At first I thought I had heart problems, but after speaking to someone who is close to me I figured out what is was. Shortly after this I started seeing the school guidance consular. She helped me a lot in coping with my anxiety, although I still have exam, stress and guilt related panic attacks.
Recently I went through a series of reasonably traumatic events (by my standards anyway). The strain of GCSEs - exam stress, a serious concussion and my ex-boyfriend (boyfriend at the time) telling me he wanted to kill himself.
Since then I just feel like I've been falling apart all over again. Feel like I've been taken back four years to how I felt back then.
I haven't had a proper nights sleep in other a month due to my anxiety, I have problems concentrating, and staying awake, due to my 'mild' insomnia. I say "mild insomnia", because 'm not qualified to say if that's actually what it is. I'm exhausted but as soon as my head hits the pillow everything comes rushing back. I am either numb or deeply depressed and tearful. I am overeating a lot as well, and have gained some weight, much to my own dismay as Prom is around the corner. I have been thinking about death and suicide a lot... I have no plans to end my life, I can reason with myself that I have things to live for and I don't want to cause anybody else any pain. I almost impulsively stepped out in front of a car the other day, in that moment I wanted to do it, I really scared myself.
If I drink alcohol, I have severe panic attacks. I feel like my happiness isn't real anymore, it's just me over compensating to make the people who care about me think that I am happy. I don't feel like me anymore. I have lost all my enthusiasm for life and doing things and the activities I enjoy most - such as gym and horse riding.
I don't know what to do. I have tried to book a doctors appointment, but every time I pick up the phone my anxiety prevents me. Just in a really shitty place right now, feels like I won't be able to get out of it. I have also taken online tests, and have resulted in "most likely suffering from severe depression."
The future...
Does anyone. Know what's wrong with me
I had a lot of abuse as a child from my mum and other. Is sorry enough for a relationship. 
Family
Beginning to lose the will to continue on anymore, i feel useless that i can't fix something that means the world to me
