I am using this as a place to write about my feelings, you need not reply...

[gbennett]

About four years ago I was heavily suicidal and took part in self harm. I was being (unintentionally) bullied by my 'best friend' at school. She isolated me from other people, and due to the added bonus of hormone imbalances at the time, I became deeply depressed and wanted to die. I was only 12 years old at the time.

Now I am 16 years old. I thought I did a pretty good job of healing myself the last time, and I thought it was a one time thing. But now I am beginning to believe I am just one of those people who are fucked up (in the kindest possible way) and will continuously go through depressed phases for the rest of my life.

Last October (2016) I began to suffer from anxiety attacks due to upcoming exam seasons. At first I thought I had heart problems, but after speaking to someone who is close to me I figured out what is was. Shortly after this I started seeing the school guidance consular. She helped me a lot in coping with my anxiety, although I still have exam, stress and guilt related panic attacks.

Recently I went through a series of reasonably traumatic events (by my standards anyway). The strain of GCSEs - exam stress, a serious concussion and my ex-boyfriend (boyfriend at the time) telling me he wanted to kill himself.

Since then I just feel like I've been falling apart all over again. Feel like I've been taken back four years to how I felt back then.

I haven't had a proper nights sleep in other a month due to my anxiety, I have problems concentrating, and staying awake, due to my 'mild' insomnia. I say "mild insomnia", because 'm not qualified to say if that's actually what it is. I'm exhausted but as soon as my head hits the pillow everything comes rushing back. I am either numb or deeply depressed and tearful. I am overeating a lot as well, and have gained some weight, much to my own dismay as Prom is around the corner. I have been thinking about death and suicide a lot... I have no plans to end my life, I can reason with myself that I have things to live for and I don't want to cause anybody else any pain. I almost impulsively stepped out in front of a car the other day, in that moment I wanted to do it, I really scared myself.

If I drink alcohol, I have severe panic attacks. I feel like my happiness isn't real anymore, it's just me over compensating to make the people who care about me think that I am happy. I don't feel like me anymore. I have lost all my enthusiasm for life and doing things and the activities I enjoy most - such as gym and horse riding.

I don't know what to do. I have tried to book a doctors appointment, but every time I pick up the phone my anxiety prevents me. Just in a really shitty place right now, feels like I won't be able to get out of it. I have also taken online tests, and have resulted in "most likely suffering from severe depression."

[starangel]

Reading your post I noticed something. You said that you healed yourself once. Be proud of that. YOU CAN DO IT AGAIN. Take some positive baby steps. I have found that regular exercise is so helpful for anxiety. Feelings come and go. When the bad ones are there, feel them but don't live there. Move on. You did it before. Put some POSITIVE things in your life. Learn how to meditate. Look within yourself and see the BEAUTY.