Above & Beyond

I don't know if I have depression

This is weird for me I'm so used to bottle up my feelings. I think i might have depression. But i find it so hard to tell anyone because I'm known as the happy-go-lucky girl.

My dad has depression and I've been aware of it all my life, I think the reason I just don't know whether or not i I have it is because it manifests differently for me. I'm not at rock bottom but I'm scared of getting any worse.

Two years ago I went through a period of self harm, I only ever told one person and I self treated to stop. At the time I thought my self-harm wasn't really self harm, I even called it 'Self help' because I thought I need to be punished as I let my 'talent' go to waste and I thought no one gave me the kick up the bum needed. At my low point I cut the word 'waste' into my leg and stroke a razor when I thought I was about to let my self go to 'waste' again. I refuse to get like that again. I don't know if I'm being melodramatic or if i have a problem.

I haven't washed in 4 days,Ii haven't done the work I told myself I needed to do, I've ignored all my friends messages and all I want to do is lie in bed and eat I don't even want to watch tv. I constantly feel on edge and then every hours or so I'll have a brief mild panic attack. However I have the capability to be happy, I can joke around with my brother, I don't feel suicidal or hopeless, I don't feel an urge to self harm again and I don't deserve to feel like this I have a good life.

I just want the general feeling of panic and lack of life to go away. I want to be me again. Is anyone feeling like this? What should I do?

1 Reply

Your own mind or rather you are the worst enemy you'll ever have - I think the answer is you'll need to start doing in small steps what your mind doesn't want you to do. First thing to do is have a wash whether you want to or not. All these things you mention tells me that you know that you should be doing them but don't feel like or don't want to do them - please try them anyway - just small steps

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