Wanting to want.

[FryMe]

This post is kind of a mess. I just took thoughts and put them down as they came. The order didn't really matter and sometimes when it seems like I were about to wrap it up, something else came and I just put it down.

So please excuse the mess I made and the self-loathing undertone the whole things has.

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Why am I doing things?

I'm not doing things because I enjoy them.

There is nothing I enjoy.

I am doing things to negate a negative feeling that comes from not doing things.

Why am I doing exercise?

I don't enjoy the exercise.

I just want to feel better about my body.

So I do it, emptily, without heart, just so I can get rid of the negative feeling that I have about my body.

But no positive feeling will ever come, even if I reach all of my goals.

Why do I play games?

They're all competitive games.

I don't play games because I have fun playing games.

Frankly, they bore me to death.

I play them to become good at them.

Not because I want to play them, but to feel like I am good at something, to be able to trump someone in them.

There is no heart in it when I play them.

Why do I wish I could play the piano?

I have one right behind me, but I haven't touched it in months.

When I play, there is no heart in it.

The reason for that is that I don't play because I enjoy playing.

I don't enjoy playing.

I just want to negate another negative.

That I don't have any impressive skills.

I don't care about the piano, or music at all, although I wish I would.

I just want to get rid of this feeling, of having nothing.

Yet one could wonder if that isn't enough reason to do things.

Maybe that's true, but when there is no heart in anything you do, eventually, you stop doing them.

It's like your body protests against you, and then you just stop.

Maybe I'm afraid of losing the negative feelings.

After all, negative feelings, are at least still feelings.

Maybe I'm afraid of being completely empty once I get rid of the negative feelings.

I can't bring myself to believe that positive feelings will follow after the negative feelings leave.

They won't come, and then I feel nothing anymore.

There is nothing I want except to want something.

My self-loathing honestly disgusts me, yet I seem to treasure that feeling.

At lest it's a feeling.

Paradox that wanting nothing goes even so far, that I don't even want to die.

I am not particularly fond of living, it bores me.

But neither do I have the will to die.

When all kinds of feelings are so far locked away inside of you that you treasure negative feelings.

Then what do you do?

I don't hate me, nor do I love me.

I am not smart, not stupid.

What I am, is terribly boring, that's all I really hate about myself.

Why am I even writing this text?

To show it to my therapist?

So I am not doing it because I really want to, I do it to possibly negate a negative.

Until I get far enough to become scared of losing that very negative, I worked to hard to get rid of in the first place.

What could possibly be more scary then being completely empty inside?

I can't imagine anything.

In the end, someone that reads this would probably say that I want many things, I am just blind to them.

I hear that a lot.

You want to play the Piano.

You want to have a better body image.

You want to have friends.

You want to get your higher school degree.

Ah yes, my degree.

I really don't like my current school degree.

It's the second lowest obtainable in my country.

Yet I don't really care about getting a higher degree.

It's not about wanting the better degree, it's about not having to feel the dissatisfaction of having a lower degree.

Once I get the better degree I will probably be unsatisfied with that as well, because there's still better degrees.

Satisfaction is probably a good way to describe my feeling.

Or rather, the lack of it in my life.

Can I ever be satisfied without being number one?

Especially since I can't even dream of reaching such a place without having the will to put time into it.

It's a pointless chase after greatness that ultimately holds me back and robs me of any enjoyment.

I was always mediocre at everything I do.

Neither good, not bad.

Why did this always frustrate me?

I can't remember a time in which I didn't want to be great at something.

It didn't matter what.

Just... something.

I stopped counting at how many games I tried to become a professional gamer in-

How many instruments I tried to learn, to get that amazing skill, that other people will be jealous of.

How many languages I tried to learn just so I could amaze others with how intelligent I am.

I don't even believe that I'm truly intelligent.

Neither smart, nor stupid.

Right in the middle.

The wish to excel at something has been with me for all my life.

Yet, there is nothing I wish to excel at, just to excel.

There never has been anything, that I could put all of my heart into.

I just quit after a while.

After not achieving the wanted skill within a ridiculous small amount of time.

Even though I realize that my expectations are beyond unreasonable.

Even though I realize that I am not very talented at anything.

Even though I realize that perseverance would eventually give me what I yearn for.

How can you possibly do anything if you don't want it in the first place?

If you can't feel joy while doing it?

You can't.

Now what really is interesting though, is all the inconsistencies in this text.

I probably said a few things, and then contradicted myself shortly after.

Yet I don't want to check.

Maybe I could learn a thing or two about myself if I checked.

But I don't feel any urge to do so.

I'd rather continue the boring life that I am so used to, then risking to seriously change something.

TL;DR: How do I learn to want "„wanting“"?

[loggerslot]

You seem to want to impress others with some sort of amazing skill in order to feel wanted and you are questioning a lot. Its natural for humans to question everything but you need to find those answers yourself because it seems you are learning about yourself.  Don't do things to impress others, do them to make yourself happy and what comes naturally to you. 

learning does take time, effects of exercise does take time and effort but if depression is causing you to feel that way then you need to deal with that depression first. it puts up mental barriers that really aren't there physically and its these you need to knock down and move forward. I do gardening and grow my own veg. the year I had depression I neglected my veg patch and like you I questioned "what is the point", and the point is that "I did enjoy it and I will continue to enjoy it and even if i'm rubbish at it I will get there". that barrier that was preventing me from clearing the weeds I eventually fought it and won and now I'm gardening and trying new things out that doesn't cost me a lot of money. I did a lot of electronics at home and suddenly i neglected that as well due to depression. everytime i looked at it, i walked away thinking "what is the point" or "I can't be bothered, do it tomorrow". I was given some things to repair and dangerous as they were, I repaired them and got them working for someone and it reignited my confidence that, yes I can do things. 

Clear your thoughts and remove the necessity to question. If you do exercise then don't think, if you will enjoy it. look around the gym, see what you like and use the equipment to get a feel of it, practice a routine, 1st run, then do some weights for upper body then lower body and do about an hour or more and that's it. make it a routine and fill your time with other things to do, and don't question it, try to intrigue yourself and learn from the bottom up.

depression does one thing to put our brain into a degenerative state and because of that that will power you have becomes lost. to fire it up you need to occupy your time by fighting that mental barrier that only exists in your mind but not physically in front of you and practice that.

Don't forget you are only human, no one expects you do something big or impressive, just enjoy your life and be happy with what life has to offer you. live as each day comes and enjoy it by making the most of it. 

[auntjo]

It sounds, to me, as if you are not questioning anything at all... in fact it sounds more as though you are trying to communicate to others that the countless 'remedies' or solutions that have been put to you by yourself or others have failed to help.  your endeavours to find something that you excel in have failed to keep your interest. So therefore you have not failed, simply not wanted to continue.  

I heard someone say once that the worst loneliness of all is in a room full people.  I guess you feel you could pursue anything at all but you just don't FEEL the WANT to do so.  Also you may have a deep fear of failure, just maybe.     

Perhaps if you saw any failure as a gift to someone else ... the gift of someone else to have their moment of glory.   Perhaps you may start to WANT to make others happy.... this may help.

I find that people who do not find joy in the material world, who do not find joy in the ladder of success, often it is because deep down they are genuine, caring people who, over time have become disillusioned with the world.   

My challenge to you is to think outside of the box... do something that is neither corporately impressive or competitive.  

I personally challenged myself to make 10 random strangers to me smile in one day.  I achieved 8 ... but somewhere very deep within me felt a flicker of satisfaction because of this.  I am not saying to do the same... just giving insight to my idea of  'random'

Wishing you all the best.