I'm scared of my own mind

[am-i-crazy]

I'm just confused about everything. My life is a mess, which is ironic because everyone thinks I've got it together. My grades are great, I play sports almost everyday, some of them to quite a high level, and I love it. At least I LOVED it. Now I feel rare happiness. I get so emotional over things I can't change, like the fact that children die because they have no access to what comes out my tap at anytime I want it. My parents' marriage is a mess, my mum wants to leave my dad but he doesn't know. He smokes weed and drinks a lot and she is fed up. I hate him for not even trying to stop when he knows the more he smokes it the less time he can spend with me and my little sister. My mum is a controlling person, she wants to make sure I don't make mistakes instead of letting me make my own, she thinks she is helping but she isn't. When she is angry or upset she always takes it out on me because my dad doesn't live with us, I hear all about her issues with her family feud and stuff with my dad, but I can't talk to others about my problems. I have never had a best friend, someone who I felt I could tell them anything. I have friends just not ones I could tell about what goes on in my mind. One time I broke down and cried in front of my mum and said I wish I could just be dead, she took me to this therapist, I hated it. But now this has gotten to the point where I know something is not right but I just don't know what. I took a load of depression tests and the average response was that I am mildly depressed. As well as the other things, I get scared of my own thoughts and feel like I just want to leave my own mind for a bit. Suddenly thoughts come into my mind and I can't seem to got them out. I also get very sensitive sometimes, something like a stabbing on the news can send me into a mood where I don't talk to anyone for hours. I don't know what to do or why I am even on this website but I just ant the pain to stop. I don't want to seem crazy but how can you feel pain that roots from your thoughts and how you feel in your mind?? How is that possible?? Yet I feel it everyday.

[ilovepuppies]

Hello, sweetheart.

First of all, you are not crazy. You are a beautiful sensitive soul who has too much on their plate to cope with! From your post I am presuming that you are quite young and possibly still at school/college- this is a really difficult time anyway, because of hormone and chemical imbalances in your body. When you have concerns and problems that can't be resolved this can trigger stress and anxiety.

Now, to business. I understand that your parents not getting along and having problems must be terrible for your Mum. But. She is putting you in an incredibly damaging position by confiding in you- it's just not right. It's not helping her and it's damaging for you to be in the middle of their problems. I'd tell her gently and kindly that she needs to speak to friends/family members about her problems as you are struggling at the moment and can't be there to listen right now. It it very obvious that you love your parents very much but being involved in their problems builds resentment, and with all love and respect, it should not involve you.

You say your mum is controlling. As a parent, I can tell you that she is so desperate for you to do well, never get hurt, never make mistakes, never be harmed, that sometimes mums can forget their babies aren't babies anymore! It's because she loves you so much. I suggest you do what my sons do- every so often, take a deep breath, remind yourself WHY she behaves like she does (because you're the best thing that ever happened to her!!) and politely remind her that "I've got it, mum! I love ya, but I can do this. Trust me". Talk to her. Explain that sometimes you feel smothered. She will back off.

Finally, the anxiety you feel about external problems. The world can be a terrible place- but also remind yourself that it is also incredibly beautiful. If you see a problem that's making you anxious, think to yourself- is there anything I can do about it? A small donation to WaterAid will help the anxiety about third world issues. Helping an old lady carry her shopping to her car. Giving a big smile to the cashier. Telling a stranger you like their blouse, even! You'd be surprised how a little change can help with your positive outlook.

This has been a really long post. I hope I've given you a little bit of ease- remember that we all feel like you do at some point in our lives, ALL of us. It feels huge now, but it's a tiny blip of your amazing to be life journey. You're a wonderful, caring person. Things will get better. xxx

[am-i-crazy in reply to ilovepuppies]

Thank you sooooo much @ilovepuppies, it means the world that someone not only took the time to read what I had to say, but also replied. So thanks again!!

P.s yes I'm in school (I'm 14)

[ilovepuppies in reply to am-i-crazy]

Anytime, sweetheart! Remember how amazing you are. xx