I’ve not been feeling great for a few years now. My mother died of cancer 6 years ago. My parents divorced at an early age so my mum brought my older brother and me up. She was my rock, someone who I could talk to about anything. When that was gone I built up so many walls and hid my feelings from the closest ones around me. My moods have been erratic and I just feel low most of the time boredom/emptiness. I have 2 small children, the first is nearly 4 years olds and the second is 7 months old.
My work life is ok, I only work in the summer and that earns enough money to live on for the rest of the year. The downside is I spend a lot of time at home looking after the kids. My partner works part time but seems like full time as she works from home and one minute she is doing this the next she is doing that. I feel like daddy day care at times.
Early morning starts with the kids and spending all day with them is hard, I have zero energy to do things with them. I feel bad as I see other parents playing with their kids and wonder why I’m not the same. Could my childhood be apart of that? I feel the weight is on my shoulders most of the time. I do pretty much everything in the household from cooking, cleaning, doing the washing and getting up every morning. Plus I pay all the bills!
I do feel trapped sometimes by the fact that I have to look after the kids while my partner works. My job finishes in September so I am at home all the time. This probably doesn’t help as its like moving at a constant speed then hitting a wall? I see a couple of friends twice a week for a few hours but that’s it. I find that partner makes me feel guilty for going out like I should be at home all the time but its killing me inside.
I could write down on a post it note how dull my life is, I like material things and I seem to think that will make me happy, buying this and that then realizing I didn’t need it in the first place. I have friends on Facebook but when confronted in the street I avoid them, what’s that all about?
I have a brother but as we work together in the family business I find it hard to speak to him about things as its mostly business talk 90% of the time. I do bury things deep down and on the surface I probably look fine and act normal around friends and family but when I feel low I just wish my life were over, as my current one just seems dull and uneventful.
I’ve thought about counseling but if I can’t open up to my partner about these issues I have how will I be around a stranger, will they be able to get me to open up?
I just want to be able to wake up in the morning, see my kid’s faces and enjoy every minute of the day with them, play games with them and feel happy. If anyone has some advice on what treatment would be beneficial to me that would be great?