I am Depressed again....

[Mister_Bit]

Hi everyone,

I am depressed again, I feel myself dropping lower and lower daily.

In a nutshell, I've lost the will to live.

I'm probably not what you'd describe as "classically" depressed. I can laugh, joke, go out etc etc... but underlying all that is no will to live.

I feel I've no hopes or dreams, they're pointless, they all end in disapointment.

I am existing, not living.

So, a bit of background perhaps...

I was in a car crash that nearly killed my girlfriend and sister. I was driving and whilst I feel I was to blame it's never haunted me to that degree. What did bother me was then, falsely being accused of stealing the car, being arrested and almost being charged (accused by a friend that lent me the car, got annoyed I crashed..as you would but then accuses me of stealing it)

That girlfriend eventually becomes my wife, we struggled through financial problems but we were mostly very happy.

I had a job, and through a very minor mistake that I admitted to (The management would have had no idea otherwise) I was accused of being "grossly negligent" which being a proud chap, hit me very very hard.

I was off work for about 6 months with depression at that time. I ended up in hospital on suicide watch.

It was eventually appealed and thrown out but the injustice of it played on my mind, still does... makes me angry.

My wife found it hard to understand my depression, she tried her best I guess but decided to solve it by sleeping around... BETRAYED!! again... but by the person I would have layed my life down for.

We divorced.

Get in touch with my best mate from school, who I hadn't seen for 25years, very excited.

This friend introduces me to a girl, who I start dating. (lasted almost 2 years) But very odd things were happening, like my friend texting her all the time, ringing her up, talking at night with her when I'm in bed.... turns out they were cyber-sexing each other.. but then meeting up when I was at working at physically sexing each other...

BETRAYED again byt my "best" mate and girlfriend.

No, it's not the end of the world and no, the problems I have are nothing compared to people in warzones etc etc, I've heard all those comebacks, they don't help and are frankly insulting. Pain is pain, regardless of what causes it.

I've lost my way in life, I've nothing to live for, nothing to look forward too. I have hobbies but don't have to desire or motivation to do them any more, it's all pointless.

Nothing brings me joy. I feel like I am in prison inside my own life.

I know what I must do, I know how to fix it and I know all the mantras and self help stuff but don't have the desire or motivation to carry them out.

Bah, sorry.

[Desperate2]

Oh poor you.Life seems to have dealt you blow after blow.

All isn't lost thoughYou still have yourself and your beliefs and values.Can I suggest you take some time out for you-maybe some counselling,an enjoyable personal pastime- one which makes you temporarily forget those self destructing thoughts.Maybe take up a sport.Anything to raise you out of the black hole you undoubtedly feel in right now.

Another suggestion (given to me by a friend)-imagine how you would advise a friend,who comes to you ,telling your story.This is a good one,because it helps you to look at your situation in a more practical,unemotional manner.

We are all responsible for ourselves-you are important to you,so you are the only person who can change how you think.

Hard,I know-I have been there

Hope this helps.

[Gambit62]

What you are describing is depression and to be honest pulling yourself together just doesn't work. Laughing and joking on the outside and crying on the inside is pretty common.

One of the things with depression is that the link between motivation and action gets switched round - so it is so easy to just end up sitting in a chair staring into space.

Have you seen and talked to your GP about things. If not it might be a good idea as they might be able to help. Anti-depressants can help restore some of the chemical imbalance that the brain gets into when you have been down for a while and they might also be able to refer you for some talking therapies that might help you find another way of remembering/looking at all those things that have happened to you so you don't have to carry around all that anger at the betrayals.

One thing that really helped me over the last year was picking up a book on MBCT (Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy), which helped bring a lot of things together for me and I think is helping me to cope a lot better.

Mindfulnes: A practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world - Mark Williams and Danny Penrose - comes with a CD for meditations - may not be your cup of tea but might be worth trying it ...

[Mister_Bit]

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

I have spoken to my GP in the past who really did understand, I've the feeling she was depressed also at some point.

I ended up seeing a cousellor who said.. and I quote exactly.. "What's up with you, pull yourself together, you're a big enough man" So that kind of put me off the whole thing to be honest.

I've been on many medications, citalopram, escitalopram, fluoxetine, venlafaxine, duloxetine and I don't really feel they help... with them or without them I just feel flat, deflated.

I've many interests and hobbies, all creative ones but lack motivation, it all seems so pointless.

Thanks Desperate2, you know.. I really do feel more motivated and alive when helping other people, It's what gives me real joy in life.

Thanks Gambit62, I have ordered that book and will have a good read of it.

[Gambit62 in reply to Mister_Bit]

Sorry about your experiences with GP and Counsellor. There are different sorts of counselling - and it may be that you ended up with a counsellor who's style really wasn't what you needed - trying to push you into actions when you weren't and aren't in the right place whereas you may have needed someone who gave you the space to express yourself and explore your feelings - just mention that in case you ever feel like looking for another counsellor - may be worth asking about styles before going ahead.

I hope you do find some energy to do something about your hobbies - sometimes you just have to do it before you feel like doing it.