I honestly don't know what to do

[thorns]

As far as I know I've suffered with depression for around five years coming and going.

But lately, life just feels like it's stopped. I've stopped caring and almost feeling anything. I feel empty, like everything is simply pointless. I feel as though I've tried everything. A few years ago I took antidepressents, they helped a little but never really got rid of this.. off feeling. I've tried talking to people about it. They all give me the pep talks and try to help but none of it seems to stick. I used to live in books, video games, making people and places up in my own mind. Anything with a story I can lose myself in and forget about everything else. But now I can't seem to go into those places like I once could and I'm stuck here in reality, and I truly hate it.

That probably makes me sound a little mad.

I'm so.. aware of the fact I feel like this. I know I shouldn't be this down and passionless all the time. And I've read a few self help books that say how I should be dealing with it. But I just feel as though it's pointless. I think of how just sleeping forever would be better. Not having to think. And what mostly stops me is that I have a large fear of pain and I don't know a painless way. I feel that I'm stuck and I don't know what to do. I want this to stop, and I want to enjoy my life.

[Hidden]

Hi, 18 months ago something happened in my life that was so horrendous I still live it in my mind like it was yesterday. I've always been an anxious person but I wasn't too bad before what happened happened. I feel like the person that was me died 18 months ago. I just "went away" for good and this new Sarah has come along in her place. Nothing feels the same. I wish so much I was dead so I wouldn't feel like I do but like you I have a great fear. It's not of pain but of feeling sick or feeling faint. I'm not suicidal because of this. I'm too scared to do anything to end my life in case I get those symptoms. I feel down and so anxious every day but on Monday I'm starting a course of CBT so hoping so much it will be of help to me. I feel very sorry for you because I can identify with a lot of what you say. It's awful living like this isn't it? If the course helps me I will let you know. I've just relocated and just been prescribed propranolol 10mg to help with the dreadful anxiety. Citalopram did nothing for me. I promise I will let you know if the CBT helps me. I'm just writing to you to let you know there are others who feel like you do so I hope it helps a bit to know you are not alone xx

[Gambit62]

I've spent most of my life wondering why on earth I go on living so can empathise with a lot of what you are saying.

Things that have really helped me in the past couple of years are regular exercise - walking, running, cycling, swimming - and meditation - particularly mindfulness meditation. A book that really turned things round for me - brought a lot of things together was 'Mindfulness: a practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world' by Mark Williams and Danny Penman - which comes with a CD of meditations - varying from 3 minutes to 10 minutes. It's based around a course in Mindfulness based cognitive therapy (MBCT). I found it really useful to have done some mindfulness based meditation before - see if there is a Buddhist Meditation group in your area and try going along.

Last year I also realised that the thoughts of death that would previously plague me for days at a time making it really difficult to cope were actually an anxiety loop - initially calming but then the thoughts themselves started to disturb me but rather than stopping the thoughts the subconscious would just try the same tactic again. Figure out a way of breaking that loop - a way of changing the way I was reacting to the thoughts - has been a big key to my getting out of the dark pits that I would end up in.

If you haven't been to see your GP then I would also recommend that as there are some conditions that can either make the depression worse or could be the real underlying cause ... I discovered last year from a blood test that I have a B12 deficiency - I can't absorb it from my diet any more - it can also affect vegans because the diet often doesn't include B12 - I now understand that the fact I felt so tired all the time in 2012 was probably because of that rather than any real depression though it did lead to me being very depressed. I now need injections every couple of months or my energy levels really drop.