I've always struggled with interpersonal relationships and often wonder if, if I had been at school these days, I would have been described as having mild Asperger's.
I'm 67 and have been involved in rat showing for several years. I wanted to train as a show judge and have done the first part of my training. When I was beginning to get depressed - largely show-related, I asked to put it on hold, but yesterday said I was willing to start the next stage next year.
I have a problem rat who has been castrated but is still somewhat aggressive. I said I would re-home him, but decided to try one more introduction to two young boys. However, this failed, and I have decided that, for the good of the rat, he should be re-homed to be introduced to his own 'harem'. This only means that I changed my mind once in giving him an extra chance, then, when this failed, returned to my original decision. However, today several people have said that I "keep changing my mind". I don't think that I do normally, and I haven't done so in the above situation, but I am having a serious rethink about judging. I am treated as 'second class' because I am not a breeder, and feel invisible with them. Do I really want to be part of this? I'll be limited in which shows I could judge as I do not drive, so I am dependent on my friend or public transport.
Coming back, I had this great desire to jump out at the Dartford bridge - and have felt that way on the previous two occasions - although I'd not have the courage to jump. However - all have been on the way back from shows. Being dead would take away all the problems, though (not just rat-related - in fact my rats are one thing that keeps me from acting on these thoughts.)
One person in particular is being very difficult. I tried to apologise to her and she just said "I don't want to discuss it.) Others have turned against me, only knowing half-truths, and I feel pushed out. I have to go to one more show to take Twix for transport to his new home. He couldn't have gone today, as planned, as my rats are in quarantine. I might also go to the shows I used to help to organise, if needed to make up numbers to merit awarding stars - a battle I faced as Show Sec.
Anyway, I'm feeling really low = my longing is to die naturally, but I am concerned about my rats. I am also tempted to harm mildly,
Ann
