First post, looking for help

[LexiLee]

Hi my names Lexi and I’m 27 years old. I live in a really small town of about 800 people in the middle of South Dakota. I also have a beautiful 6 year old son who keeps me going most days. I’m not sure what I’m looking for by sharing this all with a bunch of strangers but I’m desperate to get help.

I have suffered with depression, anxiety, and PTSD for most of my adult life. A lot of my PTSD and anxiety stems from my childhood molestation and a very violent rape I experienced a few years ago. I have also dealt with abuse most of my life. I have been in an out of abusive relationships and a volatile relationship with my father. I have been sober from alcohol for a year this month due to my mental health and wanting to be a better mother to my son. The last time I drank I tried to commit suicide. Since quitting drinking I have lost most of my friends that I had. Like I said before I live in a very small community and there isn’t really any outreach programs or support groups. My family and boyfriend don’t really understand mental health disorders or understand (or even know) about my past abuse.

My anxiety and depression have been acting up a lot lately. I started counseling and have been working on core issues. That has been bringing up a lot of suppressed memories and some really bad feelings that go along with those memories. My anxiety is debilitating at this point. Most days it’s hard for me to get out of bed or cook a meal or even do simple activities with my son. I’m turning into the kind of mother and woman I never wanted to be.

I have always been fiercely protective over my son due to what happened to me when I was young but lately I feel as though he needs protection from me. He has noticed lately that mommy has been sad more and more often and today I had a panic attack in front of my son. The look on his face scared me so badly. He saw me panic and hyperventilate and cry. I’ve tried to hide that side of myself from him so he wouldn’t worry or know that side of me. I just feel like a failure as a parent and as a woman for not being stronger and that’s partially why I reached out. I can’t go on like this. I just want to feel normal again.

Thank you for reading

Lexi

[Laurennnnnnn]

I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling so badly. Unfortunately, I don’t have any advice but I wanted to let you know how great you sound. As hard as it must be, you’re putting so much work into making you and your son’s lives better and it’s pretty amazing 💙

[wobblybee Administrator Pioneer]

🤔 Lexi, there are other groups under the Healthunlocked ‘umbrella’ that might be very helpful. Type PTSD in the searchbox (above right) to find links.

[Keep-The-Faith]

Along with therapy there is tapping that some therapist use & works great. You can do it on your own too..look up Nick Ortner The Tapping Solution. I would also get all my vitamins, minerals & hormones tested. Magnesium is fantastic for mood & hundreds of other body functions, most of society is low. Don't worry about the boyfriend, etc. Work on you!!! Be selfish because you & your son need each other. And it's ok to cry, it releases baggage from our system. Eat the best you can, cut out junk, sugar, soda if you consume those things. It all makes a difference. Start a little garden with your son, something to look forward to even if it's 1~2 plants! Tomatoes are so easy...never give up hope. Watch funny shows, listen to happy music, sit outside & listen to nature & especially watch what you put in your body. You are strong..remember that!!!🙏

[maryemma]

Hi Lexi try to put the past behind you ,you have made the first step by wanting your life to be better.Think happy thoughts ,and remember there is always always something to be grateful for ,you little son for a start .Good Luck 🙏😀 💐

[pam4him]

Sorry for the panic attack in front of your son. You are on your way to doing better through counseling. It sounds like you're at the hard part of digging up those painful moments, but please know it is necessary. Counseling is a safe place to process and work out some of that pain and anxiety. Be consistent in going and participating, learning those good coping skills that will get you through this. Perhaps explain to your son that you are, for lack of a better 6 yr old term, sick and you are seeing a "doctor" to get better. Let him be there for you, in support of you. He lives with you, and likely knows more than he lets on. I'm not saying depend on him for your emotional health, just let him be a part of the process. Prayers for peace and strength.