I NEED SOME OPINIONS

[lljw]

Hello, I've been struggling for 5 years with PCOS, yet I didn't really know until 2 years ago that what I had was PCOS. I was 18 when I first got pregnant, and had a miscarriage not long after the 8th week. Apart of being devastated, my periods were so irregular I would sometimes feel only pain without periods, sometimes I'd get a period every few months, other times I'd go for half a year or longer at a time without getting any periods... It also caused my weight to rise A LOT, which I've never really been very good with, since I used to get bullied in high school because of struggling with my weight back then, and I got into eating disorders at the time.

2 years ago after someone really close and important to me passed away, I decided to go to the gynecologist and find out what is going on with my periods, I was scared to not have some sort of cancer, since this person related to me died of cancer. I found out I had PCOS. I was never told this when I miscarried years beforehand.

The gynecologist I visited said I could not get pregnant at all, it wouldn't be a possibility for me. I could treat my symptoms, and maybe try to increase my chances of fertility by doing regular exercise and diet, and taking these pills for a time period of 3 months that would force my period to come, but she couldn't promise me I could ever become pregnant.

So I did all of that, I had periods for the time I was taking those pills, then stopped taking them after 3 months, as I was instructed by the gynecologist, had 2 periods without pills, started doing regular exercise, managed to lose 12 kilos in 6 months, started doing diet, everything seemed to be working out good, except of the fact that I still didn't have regular periods. In a time period of a year after I started the pills and healthier habits per say, I had periods twice during 12 months.

Me and my fiance got pregnant unexpectedly. We didn't think it was possible, since obviously I was told by my GYNE I couldn't get pregnant. I am 24 and my fiance is 21. We're just about to start off college and move to a bigger city together, to a bigger apartment. The timing is not the greatest, since we're students and not financially stable. Also, my fiance doesn't feel ready to be a father yet, he still wants to enjoy his early 20's.

We've been having discussion about abortion, which at the beginning I felt fine with because I didn't think it through properly, but then I had a change of heart, and now I feel so guilty about it. I feel like I broke my fiance's trust and I feel like I fucked up his life and his teen years... We've been talking about adoption also, but then again I have the same problem, I can't 100% promise him that I'd go through with it, because I know all the feelings and emotions and bond from carrying our baby for 9 months and bringing it up in this world would be so strong, that I probably would not want and would not be able to let go. I let him know about this, and I told him the strongest feelings I'm having, what my heart is telling me is the right thing, is keeping this baby. It's been only 5 weeks + 3 days and I already love this baby so much, I don't want to give it up, I wanna keep it. But my fiance doesn't. Before any comments of "leave this guy, he needs to man up, could've used condom, etc etc", I want you all to understand we did not use protection because I was diagnosed with infertility years ago, so this should have not happened in the first place. We're both just as responsible.

He is entitled to have his own feelings, his feelings of not being ready at a young age are completely valid. We want to find something to make this work, and find the best outcome for both of us.

He has said multiple times to me that at the end of the day it's my decision and he'll support it and accept it whether he disagrees with it or not. He said that even if we kept the baby, he wouldn't go anywhere, he would stick by me.

But regardless, I can't help but have the feeling of having completely fucked up his life, I can't make this decision when I know it involves someone else also. Me? I can handle myself, I can deal with changes in my life, but how can I possibly force someone else to grow up and forget about young life?

I don't know what to do, I feel lost, guilty, I feel like I hate myself for having let him down, I feel like I can't even look at myself in the mirror and I don't how am I supposed to live with myself knowing I'm most likely fucking up someone's life and dreams and hopes during their early 20's and young years, or as people call it "golden years", how can I possibly be okay with myself knowing I'd be ruining all his dreams and expectations of his youngster years? But at the same time, how could I live with myself knowing I'd be giving away our child?

Again, leaving him is not an option, we're engaged and we love each other, and we want to find an outcome together in this situation. But what is the best call here?

I'd appreciate some comments of support or opinions, because I feel lost and I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this other than him, and he is exactly at the same place as I am, lost.

Our families don't know, and don't even live here. My family live out of the country whilst his family lives on the other side of the country.

So... yeaah.. I'd appreciate any input.

[Whimbrel]

Hiya, I'm very sorry that you're having to go through such a huge range of emotions and you're in a complicated situation. However, you seem capable of analysing the situation well and at the end of the day you should do what is best for you - not for anyone else. Big hugs to you.

I think you were misinformed by someone about fertility. While PCOS can reduce the chances of getting pregnant it doesn't as far as I know completely make someone infertile.

Something to think about is that at five weeks it's still a foetus not a baby. I know it's extremely easy to think of the foetus as a baby and bond with it. I recently had a baby so I know. But referring to a zygote or a foetus as a baby brings in emotion and might take logic out of the window.

Also, please please think really hard about giving a baby up for adoption. Our social care system isn't perfect. For some children it might work out, for some it won't. The bonding between a baby and a mum in the first few hours are really important as well.

Look into the kind of support available where you are. It could be state support with finances, midwives, your GP. Peer support is also really important. Worth looking into local NTC Mumbler group, sites like Peanut. There are possibly third sector organisations like charities for someone in your situation to get advice.

As someone whose best years of life started after 25 I can confidently say that golden years can be any years - it's how we approach it. Your fiancé can still have fun and yet be a good dad. It's about finding a balance. But being realistic, the first few months after a baby is born can be quite hard. So if you decide to have a baby make sure you have some friends or peers to give you a hand. It could be bringing you some food or being there for a chat or advice.

Wishing you the very best. <3