How Not to Live Your Life

How Not to Live Your Life

Like the character Don Danberry from “How Not to Life Your Life” I often play through events and their outcomes through my head. (See vid, sorry this one only contained one naughty word, the others …well more) In certain situations that he finds himself in, he makes lists in his mind of different variations or ways of reacting to a situation in his mind. This works well in hindsight and is quite entertaining, but in reality this doesn’t happen. So imagine the situation, like the whingeing hypochondriac that I am I’ve just been to see my GP after over a week of coughing, sweating, aches and generally feeling rough. Although I whinge about feeling ill and in my ticcy brain my cough has turned from a simple cold into TB I don’t often go to my GP, indeed she said it herself whilst talking to her yesterday, “So you see Dr Cavanna about your Tourette’s and Dr N about your depression? We don’t often see you?” No, “only for other things”, “like coughs and sneezes……and women’s stuff.” So as it happens I have bronchitis at the moment, so that explains why I’m feeling so c***py at the moment. So now I’m sitting in the chemist feeling hot and sweaty, coughing and doing what I’m usually doing, but recently what I usually do isn’t as loud as usual, here are 3 reasons:

1.I have bronchitis; ill, hot, sweaty tics are less than usual due to this.

2.Flupentixol, this could be a strong reason why, after all it is an anti-psychotic and since starting on it others have noticed I have become a bit more muted.

3.Tics have naturally waned, tics wax and wane, the tide comes in, the tide goes out, and this is what happens.

I think it’s due to a combination of reason 1 and 2.

Well, there I am sitting there waiting for my packet of antibiotics when a woman in her mid-forties comes to sit next to me. The bald man standing in front of me turns as a natural reaction to a tic. (Well wouldn’t you if somebody shouted “Oi baldy c**t”?) I just say, “I’ve got Tourette’s syndrome, please don’t take any notice.” The woman turns and says to me “I’d love to have Tourette’s; you can get away with anything!” As I turn to look at her, her facial expression changes from a smiley, jovial expression thinking that perhaps this would be an appropriate way to break the ice with somebody to a look that says oh-no-what-have-I-said-please-let-the-ground-swallow-me-up-now. I haven’t heard anybody say this for a while, usually this is the type of comment that comes from the mouths of thoughtless teenagers, rather than someone who is probably the parent of a teenager. Retrospectively here are 3 witty/down right rude answers to come back at her with.

1 “Ah, so what ailment brings you to this fine establishment? (Insert woman’s answer) Oh wow! I’d love to have (insert woman’s answer however grim)!”

2.”Really! Would you really, I’ve also got TB (cough, cough, cough)”

3. “F*** OFF!”

In reality I didn’t have the energy to come out with anything witty or original, I just looked at her straight and said truthfully “No, you wouldn’t seriously, trust me”. It’s the truth anyway, I’m sure if she had my TS riddled brain and body she’d be considering throwing herself in front of the next passing number 16. I really can’t be bothered, I’m covered in sweat, and I feel week. My name is called; I make my way to the bus stop, back home, safe away from the stupid people.

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