Apparently I am not depressed. This is judgement from people who are not qualified to make such a judgement and who are not seeing me when I am alone. I am quite good at faking happy when I am out (probably because I don't show much emotion anyway) but I spend a lot of time in my room either crying, rocking (an autistic thing), self injuring by hitting my thighs with my wrists (also an autistic thing) and feeling what I call complete emptiness.
The reason for this bout of depression is obvious. I am really missing Jenifer a lot and I am not coping with her death at all. I have been looking for something to fill the massive gaping hole in my heart (well technically my head...) and I thought I had found it in a group of spiny mice we had at work. I got there today and they were gone. Someone else had adopted them. I was going to be told whether I could have them or not this week. I had to leave work early because I was so distressed.
Even now as I type this, I feel nothing. Only physical pain, nothing in my head at all. I think it has been quite a tough time because although I was quite jokey about the whole pile of labels thing, It's sort of re-surfaced a lot of questions I have had for a long time. My main question being: 'why did no one realise sooner!?' I suffered so much at school, partly because of a lack of labels. Even with my new labels I am still feeling useless and like an 'r' word which is what all the kids at school used to call me. I know I am not an 'r' word (nor do I like the usage of this word for ANYONE) but it's hard to shake off a label you have had for many years.
I'm going to try and go to bed now but I will probably just start crying again
P.S I am going to ask if I can have a gerbil instead (cue gerbil tics!)