'You're not depressed'

Apparently I am not depressed. This is judgement from people who are not qualified to make such a judgement and who are not seeing me when I am alone. I am quite good at faking happy when I am out (probably because I don't show much emotion anyway) but I spend a lot of time in my room either crying, rocking (an autistic thing), self injuring by hitting my thighs with my wrists (also an autistic thing) and feeling what I call complete emptiness.

The reason for this bout of depression is obvious. I am really missing Jenifer a lot and I am not coping with her death at all. I have been looking for something to fill the massive gaping hole in my heart (well technically my head...) and I thought I had found it in a group of spiny mice we had at work. I got there today and they were gone. Someone else had adopted them. I was going to be told whether I could have them or not this week. I had to leave work early because I was so distressed.

Even now as I type this, I feel nothing. Only physical pain, nothing in my head at all. I think it has been quite a tough time because although I was quite jokey about the whole pile of labels thing, It's sort of re-surfaced a lot of questions I have had for a long time. My main question being: 'why did no one realise sooner!?' I suffered so much at school, partly because of a lack of labels. Even with my new labels I am still feeling useless and like an 'r' word which is what all the kids at school used to call me. I know I am not an 'r' word (nor do I like the usage of this word for ANYONE) but it's hard to shake off a label you have had for many years.

I'm going to try and go to bed now but I will probably just start crying again :(

P.S I am going to ask if I can have a gerbil instead (cue gerbil tics!)

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  • I was always told that , "what have you got to be depressed about" etc..The first time I was told by a proffessional I was depressd was by the family GP when I was i the 6th form, I was down, which was quite usual for me, despite everything seeming to be rosy, but I wouldn't admit that to my Mum, because technically I didn't have anything to be depressed about. If I had a choice of being an adult or back in the 6th form I'd opt for A level Art and Music. But back to the point, after several weeks of snoozing in front of the TV after school my mother thought something was up so she warched me off to the Dr, so after blood tests etc he concluded that I was depressed, my mother said "but surely she can't be depressed" she told everyone that I had glandular fever, the Dr offered me meds but my mother declined.

    It's easy to say that there wil be more small mammals that need a loving home that will turn up at your shelter, but I know those were the mice for you.To be honest it took a while to bond with Sasha, I felt it was too soon for her, but I wouldn't be without her now (even though as cats go she's quite grumpy). It was very much Pete's idea to bring her home. Maybe it's fate's way of saying that you still need a bit more time to get over Jenifer.

    whistle...whistle GERBIL SEX

  • I probably do need more time to be honest. I am going to look into adopting a gerbil instead though because there is one there who no one wants because she is black (so you can't see her on the peat!). Oh well got to wait and see...

  • Something I learnt recently which made me look at your posts again that I felt a connection,apologies if you've already been there, read the book,seen the movie so to speak but I post in case you haven't or if it helps anyone else. There is a link between lack of certain enzymes in autistic people & depression & certain other ailments. By taking digestive enzymes it helps the body to process foods that it has trouble with. Which may go some way to help your IBS & depression. I would be interested to know if it helps you or anyone else. x

  • I'm waiting to see a dietician at the moment. I already know tha cows milk is one of my bad ones so I have cut that out for years. I have taken lactase enzyme in the past but I am not really that desperate to have milk (costs a small fortune!). I'm not sure if there is a link with diet and mood, but the IBS doesn't help my mood one bit! I think this depression is because of things that have happenned over the past few months.

  • Yes you have been through a lot no question there hun. But I truly believe there is a link between food & mood & not just one one letter. :) Also a friend of mine with an autistic child has to a degree proved it too. If you can a good read is the Blood Type Diet & The Eat Right for your type diet both by Dr Peter D'Adamo. Both good reads especially into the history of it. Also D'Adamo has a website too which is free too even though you have to subscribe. If I might suggest you have a try at cutting out gluten but in all of this keep a diary of your experiences & what you're doing so it will benefit not only you but the dietitian when you get to see them. It will give you more confidence once you start a diary & see a pattern(s). PS. if you would like I could send you a fiver to purchase a gerbil then you won't have to wait to know if you can have one you can just have it.just let me know an address for you hun.x

  • Just read my comment again hope I didn't embarrass you but I would like to help you to at least purchase a gerbil. Then at least i would(hopefully) have helped ease a little tension in your life as a fellow human. ok?x

  • I don't even know if I am allowed one yet! I know where to get them from though but thanks :)

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