Having another one of those days

[lau99]

Hi all, I hope everyone is well and in good health. Before I start, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who responded to my last post, particularly to those of you who I didn't get to reply to. It was all a bit overwhelming to hear everyone's stories and to read everyone's kind messages. I was brought to tears more than once while reading through them all. I really needed to hear some of the things that people took the time out of their days to send to me, so from the bottom of my heart - thank you.

Today is sadly shaping up to be a lot like the night that I wrote my last post. At the risk of writing yet another one of my sob-story eyesores for the forum, I'm alone at the moment and struggling to fight back tears as it's all becoming a bit much again. This week hasn't been so bad as I've had some positive feedback on my dissertation and other uni work, but on the other hand, I'm starting to struggle to cope with the workload in between feeling so unwell. One new-ish symptom that is becoming increasingly concerning to me is that I'm becoming quite forgetful, which isn't like me at all. On top of all my other, more usual symptoms, I strongly suspect that something has to be wrong with my absorption or my medication, as I definitely feel hypo but really shouldn't be.

I have an appointment with a private doctor next week who positively references both T3 and NDT on his website, and it honestly couldn't come any sooner (though with my track record of experiences seeing doctors, I'm not holding out much hope). My symptoms are of course different to how they were pre-thyroidectomy, but I'm starting to feel the same sense of despair and ill health that I did just a few months before making that terrible decision, so I definitely feel that I'm nearing some kind of breaking point.

I think part of what triggered me to make this post today is that my dad posted a photo of my sister and I from when we were younger to our family group chat last night. I looked so...normal back then, nothing like how I do now. I had no idea back then that I had the gene for a horrible illness that would completely turn my life upside down just a few years later. I don't even look the same way I did even a year and a half ago. I feel so ugly and almost disfigured from this illness, I'd be so embarrassed to run into any of my old friends from even my first or second year of uni.

Anyway, I'm just rambling now. The weather isn't amazing, but I think I'm going to take a walk to try and clear my head.

[Lalatoot]

Some days, weeks or months we just have to say; "Hey I'm going to sit this dance out" and then take however long to heal , no pressure.The great thing about life now is that there are options to do things at any age so there is always time to catch up on things we want to do or become.

[lau99 in reply to Lalatoot]

Yes, you're right about that. Thank you, Lalatoot. The trouble is with feeling so low so much of the time, I could run the risk of never getting anything done ever. I guess it's just a complex thing to juggle normal stuff with chronic illness.

[Lotika]

I’m sorry you’re going through a rough period. I guess there is some hope to cling on to with the private doctor next week, but I can also understand why you wouldn’t want to get your hopes up.

The forgetfulness is a classic hypo symptom. I managed to screw up at least one job interview yesterday because of it and I am gutted... as I feel like I’m losing opportunities and income to this stupid thing and the endos who don’t listen... and I am running out of patience... on days like these it’s hard to believe that we will get to the right level of meds eventually. There is a Serbian saying I really like “ko zna zasto je to dobro”, which literally means “who knows why it is good”... I suppose the idea is that we may eventually find something good comes out of tough times or missed opportunities. Perhaps there are people we need to meet and therefore we need to go down these paths to find them...

That’s effectively me trying to make meaning out of tough times. We don’t learn from the easy stuff, I figure.

[lau99 in reply to Lotika]

I'm sorry to hear about what happened with your job interview...I hope it hasn't dashed your confidence too much - I'm sure something even better will come along before you know it x I do know the feeling of running out of patience with this horrible thing. Sometimes I just want to recklessly take silly amounts of hormone just so I can feel something again It's true though, all we can really do is keep hanging on and at least trying to learn throughout this difficult process xx

[Lotika in reply to lau99]

Thanks lau99 for such a kind response when you are going through the mill yourself! My challenge is that my pre-thyroid “super-powers” were being able to think quickly on my feet and a good memory! Maybe I’ll get them back (with LT3) maybe I won’t and if not, I’ll have to identify and develop new ones. I feel a lot more accepting of it today as i think I particularly banjaxed my second interview of the day leading to a full time time role eventually because part of me is just not ready this under medicated.

I do hear you on the meds - if I didn’t have a blood test in 10 days I would have upped my LT4 dose for the interview day definitely!! I do hear you.

I read today that 15% of people without a thyroid may be below range on fT3 levels. It made me cry - and I have a thyroid! Below range, though. Ouch.

I hope you get some joy out of your appointment next week. Please do pop in and say how it went if/when you feel up to it and able

Lotika xx

[Buddy195 Administrator]

We all go through periods like this lau99; you are not alone. I stopped looking at my pre- TED photos, as it upset me to remember what it was like before the lid swelling etc. However, I’m really pleased that since starting my T3 trial, my eyebrows have regrown and my eyelid swelling is massively reduced. When you find more optimal medication, you will feel better 👍

[lau99 in reply to Buddy195]

Thank you for instilling some hope in me, Buddy195 x I feel much the same way about the photos. It's terrible. I never had amazing self-confidence to begin with but now it's just completely in the toilet. I'll take your advice and try not to look at old photos much, if at all, for a while. x

[fuchsia-pink]

Sorry it's tough at the moment. Going outside for a long walk is a really good idea. Good luck next week with the private endo, Sending you a big (virtual) hug from the south coast x

[lau99 in reply to fuchsia-pink]

Thank you, fuchsia xx Admittedly it was quite nice to get outside for a bit. I'll be back with updates after my appointment, hopefully it won't be more bad news.

[DippyDame]

The fact that you can open up and talk about how you feel is progress and getting outside will help blow some of the cobwebs away!

Try and look forward rather than backwards because, as the old adage says, that's not where you are going!

As you know you need to be correctly medicated, take your courage in both hands and fight to that end. We're all here to support you because we've all travelled a rough thyroid journey ....which most medics can't even begin to imagine.

You say you feel ugly and disfigured but that's not what you are....you are a very brave intelligent young woman so don't be deceived by the wicked witch that is thyoid disease. She is lying!

I found that once I realised this it was sheer bloody mindedness and a lot of support from here that got me through the dark days.

Onward, just be kind to yourself!

[lau99 in reply to DippyDame]

Thank you, DippyDame x Maybe you're right, it might be easier to cope with all these negative feelings I have about myself recently if I just remind myself that it's just the illness talking.

[Batty1]

I think its time for you to consider doing what so many other people here have had to do and buy T3 .... without a thyroid you really should be on a combo of T3/T4 not just T4 after my thyroidectomy I too was given just T4 and I went mentally mad fits of rage to crying fits ... it didn’t stop until I started T3 along side my T4.