Rant at myself

I have had trouble getting results from a blood test ordered by my Endo and conducted at my GP's practice - I have tried to get hold of these results through the GP's reception and through my Endo's secretary (see latest post named "blood test results unavailable???")

I am not trying to mess anyone about, I am honestly trying to get hold of these results any way I can.

I just don't want to seem/sound cheeky by asking bluntly as to why the GP or GP reception cannot get hold of these and dare I say it:

I don't have the confidence/assertiveness to do so.

Ok, this may sound like a put-down but I have not got the confidence or assertiveness to ask such a question for fear of the answer I will get or for fear of being struck off/reported to the practice manager/have my medical exemption stricken.

I feel so daft writing this. I'm 28 - will be 29 this weekend - and I have no idea why I am like this.

I wouldn't like to think I'm a mental case, but:

* Like many other people I was bullied at school - I was told I was ugly, had my sexuality questioned and repeatedly singled out for being quiet and hardworking. I was at school to learn and do well, not make friends which I did not have a lot of. I left school with 5 A-C GCSEs. I was only predicted 1 B and 1 C.

* I was assaulted in 2001 - I was 15 at the time and I was on holiday with my mum in Turkey. The bartender at the hotel we stayed at did this. No one in my family knows and I think the truth would break their hearts as I'm their only child and seen as their little girl. I'm nearly 30 for goodness' sake!

* I have never known who my dad is or was - he and my mum broke up after I was born. I was seen at school as the "freak without a dad". In order to stay in favour with them I told them I did have a dad but he died. I once requested my birth certificate - the "father" field had a cross stuck through it.

* I have had a lot of family problems at the moment. I haven't fallen out with any of them but my uncle and aunt split up a few years ago. My two cousins hardly ever see me and we did a lot of things together. Aunt now has a new life with a new family. I can't fault that. Uncle is not happy with his partner as she's very materialistic and always spending money. He works shifts as a lorry driver.

Grandad had a mini-stroke back in 2009. He is like my father figure to me. The mini-stroke has affected his speech, memory and emotions. He bursts into tears at the drop of a hat. It breaks my heart when he does this. Maybe it doesn't easily show on the outside but inside it breaks.

Mum has primary progressive multiple sclerosis. She has choking fits and has trouble walking. I admire her very much as she is so strong-minded and will not let her illness beat her. She is currently in Tenerife with my stepdad, who she married in 2008. The hot weather helps her. It helps me too but I cannot afford to fly out there. It'd be wrong to say we don't get on well. We are very different people but when I was younger we did do a lot of things together. But since she moved out in 2003 when her, me and my grandparents lived together she has her own life too. My stepdad has jokingly apologised that he'd broken the family up but he hasn't. My mum had spent 18 years with no partner, she can live her life how she wants.

I also saw my great-grandmother die in front of my eyes. I provoked her and she got up, tripped on the lounge rug and broke her hip bone. The doctor took over 5 hours to reach her. By that time she developed a clot and suffered 2 strokes and a heart attack in theatre. She was kept on life support for 3 weeks but she deteriorated and died. I blamed myself for her death and still do now.

I've also lost one of my great-uncles. He died yesterday. I haven't told anyone on here about it but I will say so now. I saw him a lot when I was around 5 or 6 years old. He liked my drawings and poems that I wrote. Now I will be attending his funeral, possibly making a flight to Sri Lanka where he lived.

None of this may be relevant but I just wanted to get this out in the open.

Jo xxx

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19 Replies

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  • You are not daft jo, im almost twice you age and i stuggle with confidence and being assertive around doctors.

  • Hi, thanks for your reply.

    I've always had problems with confidence. I guess that's just the way I am. I don't think I would be like this if I had someone with me but due to personal circumstances this is not possible.

    Jo xxx

  • Jo, The way you are feeling is entirely down to your condition. You MUST stop beating yourself up and be kinder to yourself. My daughter will be 34 in a couple of weeks and if I wasn't around to sort out her problems she just wouldn't be able to cope with some of them. When she is left to sort things out for herself and anything goes wrong she is left feeling infuriated with herself and totally drained, and I mean seriously knocked out!!

    I'm a little concerned that you keep going back to the GP and endo. Have you stopped to ask yourself what they are actually doing to help you get better? Yes, they may be carrying out a few tests here and there, but that is just them ticking the boxes. It doesn't appear to be helping you.

    I REALLY think the time has come for you to take charge of your health yourself. You clearly are not well, so find someone who WILL help you. That's what we had to do, and now we are delighted with the doctor who is helping my daughter as he has at last got to the bottom of the problem. Jane x

  • Hi Jane, thanks for your reply.

    I've always had low confidence - even when I was younger.

    I wouldn't know who to find to help me on the NHS. All the good doctors I keep hearing about are private.

    Jo xxx

  • I do understand completely how you feel about low confidence. Keep telling yourself that this YOUR health, YOUR life, and there is NO reason to be intimidated by your GP - he is EMPLOYED by you and should be doing the job he is paid for.

    I really think though that you need to go private and see someone who WILL be on your side. You will find their attitude QUITE different. After my daughter saw the first of the private doctors she saw we both burst into tears we were so relieved. You can find a way to do it. Find the money from somewhere - that's what we had to do.

    Jane x

  • Hi Jane, thanks for your reply.

    I've done quotes for private doctors quite recently and they're all out of my price range. I'm not looking for the cheapest doctor going as such but there is a set price limit I'm aiming for.

    I wondering that since I still had the low confidence when I was first on the thyroxine I could possibly have been undermedicated? Just a thought...

    Jo xxx

  • p.s. and this was the 7th non-NHS doctor we tried - you MUST be persistent..... and enlist the help of someone close to you - friend, relative, boyfriend etc. etc. Do something to distract yourself from your health problems - watch the winter olympics, download a video, do some knitting/sewing/reading/jigsaw puzzles - anything to take you away from your illness for a while. x

  • You can't possibly be held responsible for the injury and subsequent death of your great grandmother. The fault was lack of timely medical assistance.

    Your anxiety and lack of confidence is probably largely due to your hypothyroid illness, but I have wondered whether you would benefit from counselling. You have mentioned feeling bullied by a male counsellor re the assault. It suggests that this wasn't resolved and maybe contributing to your anxiety now.

    Can you ask your GP for a referral to a female counsellor or perhaps contact a rape crisis centre for advice? (I'm not assuming you were raped but they may be able to direct you towards help re the assault). Perhaps rewriting your post as a letter to your GP would be a useful start?

    You aren't a mental case, Jo, but you seem overwhelmed and are struggling for answers and I do think you may need some help in unravelling things.

    Big hug ((( Jo ))) xx

  • Hi Clutter thanks for your reply.

    Whenever I have been referred for counseling I hear nothing back about them.

    - First time was in 2009 and I was put on the waiting list. I had a letter to say I was on their list but no appointment date was confirmed.

    - Second time was in 2011 through my former employer. The counselor called to say she was in late and would contact me to rebook. She never did.

    - Third time (excluding the counselor who I felt bullied by) was again through my GP in 2011 who said they would refer me and I would get a letter saying this. I never received it.

    Sorry, I didn't quite understand your suggestion about rewriting my post as a letter to my GP. I wouldn't know where to start!

    Jo xxx

  • Hi Jo, its best to always phone up and chivvy them along if you haven't heard anything after say 6wks.there are really long waiting lists for Councilling usually at least its several months.it's not being a nuisance to call them every so often to see where you are on the list.and if you still Not got appointment after 4 months get Gp to chase them. That is quite reasonable.

  • Hi Cupi, thanks for your reply.

    Well, I did chase up the counselor employed by the company I worked for and she was extremely annoyed at me for calling her. So her attitude has put me off seeing anyone else.

    Also - I forgot to mention in the other replies so sorry in advance - my name was put forward to a counselor working at the health centre I go to for art class and heard nothing from them. I must have some sort of history with counselors everywhere!

    Jo xxx

  • I work on the premise that they'll get sick of me ringing and will make an appt to get me off their backs.

    Worked a treat getting IT dept to sort out a major issue where I worked. I arranged a dept of 30 people to each ring IT help every 10 minutes using phone & mobile to report a system failure. They got fed up logging calls and sent techs to fix the problem :-D

  • So the ideal thing would be to keep calling them till they get sick of me and then make an appointment. :)

    Not a bad idea...

    Thanks!

    Jo xxx

  • Cut and paste your opening post and email or send it to your GP requesting a referral to a female counsellor and an estimate, if possible, of how long you might expect to wait for an appointment. Ring the GP after a week if she hasn't contacted you.

    Like everything else on the NHS you may have to wait some time for an appointment. If you aren't given a contact name or organisation you can deal with directly you may have to chase up your GP surgery every 3/4 weeks.

  • Hi thanks for your reply.

    What I've decided to do is create another post including a draft letter to see what anyone else thinks.

    The reason for this is because I've already sent my GP two letters within the past 2 weeks - one was regarding a request to a rheumatologist regarding the hypermobility issues (which she responded to and said she put a referral to a rheumatologist for me, which after sending my letter I did not want) and the second one being the response to her referral saying "thank you very much Doctor, I am sorry for the inconvenience and trouble you may be put through regarding this but a referral to a rheumatologist is now not necessary."

    I think too many letters sent to her at once might class me as a nuisance.

    Jo xxx

  • She might see that you're troubled and realise that the need of counselling might be at the root of your requests rather than see you as a nuisance.

    There's no rush. Take your time about things x

  • Thanks for your reply and help, I really appreciate you getting back to me about this.

    Whenever I have seen my GP about mental issues such as this I am sure they come over a bit...condescending/

    patronising.

    I once spoke to my boss (when I worked under her) about problems with my mental health as I had really bad mood swings a few years ago, so bad that she caught me throwing things around. She then took on a very condescending tone with me.

    I don't want the same thing to happen again.

    Jo xxx

  • If I've helped a bit, I'm glad.

    This is a different GP, Jo. Don't assume she'll be as bad as the previous GPs. She has been listening to you and arranging referrals and scans.

  • You've helped lots. :)

    The GP who referred me for the scan personally said to me she did not believe I was making the "goitre" thing up.

    I'll think about looking into counseling but maybe I need to give it more thought...

    Thanks. :)

    Jo xxx

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