Restrained trolley rage and a pair of festive buttocks!

I have been fairly organized this year, in the build up to festive fuss. I even secured a supermarket Christmas home delivery slot, to save dragging my man around the town in his 'do-we-really-need-any-of-those' mode type running commentary. Also I was able to half avoid his verbatim report on how to make a nut roast.... actually I do know, but I am

having duck and chicken on Christmas Day, we took an extended family vote on it.

In the New Year, when everybody is sick of roasted meat and eating their own body weight in tuck, I shall make him a nut roast of epic proportions and invite his slightly more reserved friends to play the sort of music where hair worn like curtains and duffle coats are required.

The year before last I did have my eye on a one eyed turkey locally reared in somebody's back garden to fit with my fevered shop local mentality, but the night before it's festive demise some turkey rustlers made off with the whole lot and I was forced to buy something expensive overlaid with a snooty glaze, and last minute. I did hear a rumour that some very impoverished travellers in the vicinity appeared very jolly on Christmas day and appeared to have an abundance of birds being roasted in the local woods. I felt rather pleased for the children involved although the owner of the rustled birds may have had a less charitable over view. The lady who sells the turkey's unfortunately does resemble one, although instead of gobble she does lots of East Anglian gabble!

Last night I settled in to wrap all the presents, to be on my own is rather unusual, both children were out in a pub ten miles away with Dad, one hanging out and mooching and smooching with her boyfriend - and my son playing drums and various other percussion, which led to him returning at midnight with fully bruised and swollen hands from epic and fun performances.

I had just lit the fire early evening, and sat down to start wrapping everything, when a dear friend of mine shot through the back door. A combination of a woman close to tears possessed , and a sudden squall. She was acutely suffering from exceptionally-badly-behaved-vindictive-relative-itis. I had to open a superb bottle of red wine as a remedy. Between us we managed to deflate a toxic situation and I settled in for many hours of being on all fours with the sellotape stuck to my bottom with missing scissors, pens and gift tags. The parcels look awful.. and of course the supermarket shop I had forgotten about turned up and was woefully inadequate, it mainly seemed to consist of good wines, brandy, luxury items and no food whatsoever. I had forgotten to add various things on. Never mind she turned up this morning again for one of my special hangover coffees, and caught myself and my husband up to our necks in my giant therapy bath, all the jacuzzi jets on with two feet of foaming bubbles on top with terrible music playing on the landing outside. We were doing that his and hers mithering that married people do normally if something is not working, in my case the LND had not turned him and in his case the printer had gone nuts. Both remedied later on, but only after heated words about nothing connected with either subject or of any relevance!

She was on a mission to make me go out shopping for the day, so back I went to the very supermarket who had delivered previously and who's premises I was so keen to avoid. The minute I got there, no trolleys, I finally found an abandoned one with predictable run over people's feet wheels and special ankle bashing features. Within two minutes of my arrival I could feel this red mist of trolley rage coming over me, and had to re adjust in order to cope with how foul it was in there. Heaving with miserable infuriated people. I managed to catch the eye of the lady on the cheese counter. We swapped, we-are-sick-of- people-in-general-looks, as of course I had ordered no cheese in my useful on line shop. She and I had a great conversation about how nice it would be to be locked into the counter over night and eat from one end to the other like some sort of nature programme with perhaps along the lines of a boa constrictor. The conversation got more and more ridiculous and eventually she came around the front of the counter to squeeze me tight in a Christmas hug and said I was not fat enough, and that she was planning to get exceptionally fat over the holidays even though she was already quite rotund. The hug was then followed by endless sloppy kisses, who could possibly be ill tempered after her.

Having waved her goodbye and bought my own body weight in cheese I then went to find the fire lighters and got caught up in something similar to a log jam, lots of ladies with furrowed brows balancing huge bags of cat litter and toilet rolls on their already overladen wheeled shopping. As I launched myself up the particular aisle the a few people ahead had slightly collided with a loss of balance. At this point a giant of a man in front of me, both huge in height and stature lurched backwards and managed to wedge his ample buttocks into the front section of my trolley, he was not amused but I did pacify him by insisting that he went to see the Iady I had just encountered for various hugs. Her cheerful form being an antidote to intense Christmas tantrums!

Once home having driven past the shop containing the duck and chicken, swiftly remedied by my newly cheerful once again friend. I sailed home to try and do some last minute jobs. Firstly I shoveled coal in the dark, the light he installed only comes on in day light and he has disabled the switch as it is not needed apparently. I then scrubbed some bogs, which according to him are self cleaning, and to finish off this delightful trio I scrubbed out a cat tray only to have cat number two turn up and piss in front of it, her jealousy of cat no 1's disabled facility still very much apparent. I chased her around the house and then played hide and cat. She is now asleep inside a cot up stairs, flat on her backs, legs wide open and her fangs rattling with cat snores!

Now it is time to make home made fish cakes before I lose the electric power in the gale, I am totally looking forward to Christmas and all it brings. Festive fuss to you all, love from Ramble on for Ever! MaryF x

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19 Replies

  • Wonderful. Festive fuss wishes from us too. X

  • Same to you xx MFx

  • ps done the corrections on it, now internet is back! MaryF x

  • Festive fun with lots of good food and wine sounds wonderful. Have fun :-) x

  • Same to you... I hope it's not too windy. MaryF x

  • It will be in my house!!! x

  • Toot Toot. MaryF x

  • Festive fuss to you and yours, Mary. I love the thought of eating one's way through the deli counter. Ideally there would be a variety of wines to accompany the delicasies. 'Twould be the lock-in from heaven.

  • Yes.. I am in there right this minute! MaryF x

  • yet another good one ...... I hope you and yours have an absolutely brilliant enjoyable hectic festive time ....look forward to the next instalment .....LoL alan xx

  • get on down and festive. MaryF x

  • Superb red wine as a remedy, I shall use that excuse tomorrow! I ordered a useless online shop like that too Mary. It was all chutney and ribbon and gin, nothing to actually make dinner from.

    Have a lovely Christmas xxx

  • Have a great one - HE came to bed at 3 in the morning full of festive cheer! MaryF x

  • Baubles and pine needle wishes Mary, many thanks for the reading tonic - wondering if the buttocks are still in the trolley abandoned somewhere in the flooded car park - anyone seen the tape?

  • Hopefully if they are somebody will have planted a cocktail stick and a flag as a marker! MaryF x

  • Wishing you lots of festive fuss and fun along with a big hug and sloppy kiss! X

  • Same to you! MaryF x

  • Have a wonderful Christmas, look forward to many more blogs xx

  • Love to you and yours for Christmas! MaryF x

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