Feeling low and having dark thoughts at times, need to vent :(

[lulujeanne]

Hello all,

firstly i want to apologise if my post doesn't make sense or if i miss anything out. i'm feeling very low this evening and its taken me a while to muster up the energy to write this post.

I have posted before in the newly diagnosed section (my orginal post:healthunlocked.com/thyroidu... i have detailed here all my background information and journey with hypo.

to provide some basic info however, im Louise, 22 years old, and recently been diagnosed (by dr skinner) with hypothyroidism. About a week ago, i started taking levothyroxine, 25mcg, rising by 25mcg each week for four weeks to reach 100mcg. i have had some side effects including headaches, feeling very energetic and then extremely tired.

My main symptoms are depression and anxiety which have been chronic since i was 8 years old (this is when i believe my thyroid problems started although i did have symptoms before this, but it is hard to tell. i do have a number of other symptoms (detailed in my first post) including anaemia. My last blood results for ferrtin (35.7) and b12 (227) were low, but both the specialist and my gp suggested sublinguals and tablets, which in all honestly i'm having great difficulty in remembering to take, as my memory is poor at times and I don;t have the energy to make the food necessary for absorbing these.... alas..

Over the years, I have experienced chronic depression with little letup I also have racing thoughts, paranoid thoughts (thinking the worst, people are talking about me etc..), social anxiety, anxiety about completeing tasks. more recently i have started having insomnia and panic attacks at night. my mental health has cost me friendships, relationships and ability to complete my degree in nursing. I feel so lost right now, like a complete failure in life. i cant hold down a job due to my depression manifesting itself in my work. I find it hard to maintain friendships, because somedays i cant even manage to text someone back, or call. I either feel low or anxious, both equally make me a crap friend

I have had alot happen to me through my childhood with my mother neglecting me in many ways and me having to be her carer (due to epilespy and mental health issues) and though various traumas i experienced. I reliase that this has affected my mental health too greatly, but I do feel that my hypothyroidisim is making it much harder.

i'm finding it so hard to think, to feel today. I keep letting people to take advantage of me, by always doing what they want. Its like I cant say no. which ulitmately affects my relationship with my fiance, as he gets so frustated, as he does not want me to be taken advantage of. My fiance is the only person I am honest with, can tolerate being with when i'm ill like this and who actually gives a damn about me. as I mentioned above, i have a complicated relationship with my mother and rest of my family too.

I have suicidal and self harms thoughs run through my mind sometimes, particularly on bad days, like today. I feel so bloody exhasted and low, but i will not ever do it, no matter how bad it gets. I feel like i'm in pain, mentally, but there is not a remedy..

I felt better initally when i started levothyroxine 25mcg last week, although to be honest, i have a habit of supressing my feelings when my fiance is around, but as soon as i'm alone, i cant suppress it anymore. its not that I dont want to talk about it, but i'm so tired of feeling like this and putting my fiance through this.

But i'm back to square one today: feeling low, no energy, irritable, anxious, thinking briefly about suicide (i dont know why... its so selfish, but its like my brain wants a way out). I dont have the energy or enthusiam to cook etc. i forced myself to have dinner and take my iron tablet for the first time in days. I havent brushed my teeth or put make up in days ... (im rambling sorry).

I know i need to be patient with my meds, but it's so hard when i'm finding it hard to get through today my fiance will be home soon which i'm glad of, as i'm finding it hard to be alone and feeling like this.

im sorry for my long post ... i just need to get this out..

[lulujeanne]

my thoughts are scatty and rapid tonight, i'm sorry that my post is disorganised. x

[lulujeanne in reply to lulujeanne]

Sorry I haven't replied sooner, it's been a tough few days as my puppy has been poorly. Thankfully I can say he's getting better xxx

[nobodysdriving in reply to lulujeanne]

so happy your puppy is getting better, hope you too are getting better? what kind of puppy is it by the way

[lulujeanne in reply to nobodysdriving]

thank you honey Lennon is our little boy west highland terrier, he's far too cute for his own good (and he knows it!). he's three months old tomorrow how about you? , whats your cats (his/her) name? so adorable!

I'm certainly feeling better than I did when i posted this, which is good, i'm feeling quite scatty atm, finding it hard to finish tasks etc, but its not surprising with everything that's going on (thats what i keep telling myself!). I opened up last night to my fiance as I felt extremely tired yesterday. I was at home most of the day with Lennon, and he needed constant attention and I had to take him to an emergency vets appointment too. I felt like i wanted to cry with exhastion The trouble is I have little appetite lately, so i think that feeds my tiredness too.

My fiance is so understanding and he encourages me to open up. I am pretty honest with him, i just dont like burdening him (or anyone for that matter) with my health. But sometimes I have too for my own wellbeing. He made a comment that its normal to feel tired after working (i worked 8.30-12 yesterday). But i snapped at him because I was like 'this is not normal for me'. I bumped my head three times yesterday, barely ate (i have to make myself due to no appetite) and kept slurring my words. anyway i apologised later and he ran me a lovely bath.

Anyway in terms of seeing my doctor about my depression... well to be honest I feel very reluctant after my experiences with my Gp. It took me along time to even get recognised and treated for depression, and then longer to be given blood for hypo.

But all of the comments and suggestions on here make alot of sense. I guess i'm apprehensive of anti-depressants as I have yet to find one that allievates my symptoms. Usually the side effects have resulted in insomnia which doesnt help in the slightest :(. I have only tired citalopram and mitrazapine tho, so they may be one out there.

i'm going to definately get in contact with Dr S this week about this.

thank you so much for your message, it feels liberating to talk about this and not put all the burden on my fiance. Plus your personal input helps me feel i'm not alone.

i'm feeling opistimisic about being under Dr S, are you under his care too?

anyway sorry for my long reply, but thanks again for your kind reply.

speak soon,

Lou x

[Stourie]

Dear Lulujeanne I'm so sorry that you are feeling so crap. Keep taking the levo as it can take many months and raises in meds to make you feel better. Talk to your fiancé or if you don't want to feel that you are burdening him all the time, come on to this site and just vent. People will come on here and reply to you to hopefully help you to feel better. ((((hugs))))

Jo xx

[Hennerton]

Hi Lulujeanne, I am sure that everyone who reads your post will feel for you and wish we could magic a way of getting together with you to talk it through and hopefully lighten and brighten your spirits. I too see Dr S and I know he will get you on the road to recovery. Please hang on in there. It is such early days and the Levo cannot really be taking effect yet. Just a while longer and you will notice a difference. It is great that you managed to write such a long post. Keep on talking to us all and especially your fiancé, who sounds as though he cares a lot for you. Please write again and let us know how you are doing. xx

[JudyS]

Hi Louise. I'm glad to hear you say you 'will never do it', but please talk to your doctor about this.

Hypothyroidism can be extremely difficult to live with, and yes, it can take time to get your medication right, but suicidal thoughts are not normal (though they ARE common enough, whether you are hypothyroid or not). You are not 'weird' or in any way a failure, but it is important that your GP knows that you feel like this so that he or she can best help you.

I think you should talk to your fiance about this. If you can't talk to him about something so important, and which may impact both your lives in a fairly big way, you have to ask yourself why not. If you love each other (I presume you do!), he will listen, though some men have a terrible tendency to want to fix things and get upset if they can't, so you may have to tell him you don't expect him to be able to do this. His role is only to listen, support and love you. One of the biggest causes of marital problems is poor communication, so start off on the right foot! I've been married since 1976, so do have some considerable experience here.

Everything seems to hover between 'difficult' and 'impossible' when you are depressed (yes, I have some experience with that, too), so try to set yourself small targets each day, and congratulate yourself when you reach them. Set yourself up for success by making them realistic: you say you have trouble making the right foods to help iron absorption, so why not just get a carton of fresh orange juice and give yourself the target to have a 'dose' of that each day? This is surely not going to cure your depression overnight (depression being far more complicated than that) but it may help you to stay positive, and remember, with depression you are talking about 'baby steps'.

Finally, while I hate taking any uneccessary medication, there IS a place for anti-depressants, especially when you hit rock bottom. Depression is not 'you being silly', it is an imbalance of brain chemicals, over which you have very little personal control. It is as much a physical illness as your underactive thyroid or a broken leg.

I hope some of that helps.

[marmaris]

Unfortunately this chronic disease does cause us depressed, I know I have and still continue to have it, and I have raised two sons on my own, sometimes when I look back I realize the inner strength that I must have had to do it. Keep strong, make sure you talk to people it is nice that you have a fiance. It is unfortunate but until you have suffered with this it is hard for people to understand.

[nicolajane]

Hi lulujeanne,

I can relate to everything you say and in some ways my story is similar to yours (although I'm almost twice your age) - I have struggled all my life too with tiredness,depression and anxiety and the effects this has on trying to hold down a job or study. I am not at the end of the road yet with my recovery from hypothyroidism but I can honestly say that depression and anxiety have been some of my worst symptoms and I still struggle with them. Antidepressants didn't help me either (though I have found they help with severe anxiety and if you are feeling suicidal it is probably a good idea to try them for a few months - they do take about 4 weeks to start working)

The first thing to say is it's early days for you with your thyroid treatment - give it some time. Make sure you go to your follow-up appointments with Dr S and if after say 6 months you dont feel any better then ask him if you can try some T3.

Secondly, it's really important that you take your supplements especially iron and B12 - being low in these will make you feel awful too. Do you have a watch with an alarm on it? You could try setting an alarm to remind you to take your pills?

Third, I know you dont feel it but you are still very young. You have plenty of time and you can and will go back and finish your degree (I didn't graduate until I was 29!) but right now you need to concentrate on getting well. If you are not getting any benefits at the moment apply for some - that way at least you will be able to contribute a little to your finances, which your fiance will appreciate. When you apply, make sure when you complete any forms you do it as if it's you're worst possible day also be sure to include any other diagnosis you have especially mental health as this will help your application.

Take one day at a time and be kind to yourself.

Nicola x

[Shade1965]

I have stolen this from JudyS

Finally, while I hate taking any uneccessary medication, there IS a place for anti-depressants, especially when you hit rock bottom. Depression is not 'you being silly', it is an imbalance of brain chemicals, over which you have very little personal control. It is as much a physical illness as your underactive thyroid or a broken leg.

and from me..take the tablets..you WILL feel better and they WILL help. You owe it to yourself to be happy...from someone who has been where you are and risen from the ashes stay safe

[nobodysdriving]

Hi Lulujeanne, I hope you are feeling better today.

Lots of good replies above, I just wanted to add: please don't ever feel 'sorry' for posting here, we are a group for information AND support, as such you can cry on our shoulders any time.

this is such a difficult illness to cope with especially on your own, so please don't feel alone in this, we are with you even if not in person right next to you.

I hope you got to speak to your doctor about how low you feel at times.

Also I am SO happy you are under dr skinner, please keep him informed even by dropping a message with the secretary. It can take a while to get better but he will help x

hugs x

[fuadisabegovic]

Too many spelling mistakes (capital letters mainly) as well as some grammatical ('let' is followed by a bare infinitive, not to-infinitive).

[helvella Administrator Thyroid UK in reply to fuadisabegovic]

I do not know what you are referring to.

We do not highlight spelling, typing and grammatical errors in posts. We may question a particularly important or difficult few words in order to ensure understanding and clarity.

We neither set a barrier to membership and responding based on typing and, language skills, nor do we forget the impact of disease on those skills.

If you are unable to cope with some typographical and grammatical infractions, please do not belittle the poster. That may well not be your intention, but it is the effect.

[Clutter in reply to fuadisabegovic]

Fuadisabegovic, Please refrain from criticising members' spelling and grammar. Not everyone is fortunate to have the education you've enjoyed, some have English as a 2nd or 3rd language and others are ill and struggle to compose their posts due to 'brain fog'.