Bridesmaid anxiety

[MargaritaNiko]

Hello all, really didn't know if this would be the right place for this, but I feel like I'm losing my mind and hopefully someone will understand.

I've had IBS for 10+ years and it's thankfully (and presently) in a well-managed place. I've really been working on my associated anxiety which is triggered by IBS and any situations where I'm likely to feel trapped i.e. unable to get to a toilet. Such as breathing exercises, meditation, and putting myself outside of my comfort zone. However the things I am doing to push against any anxiety are still things I'm initiating, within my control and on my own schedule.

A few days ago one of my closest friends asked me to be their bridesmaid. After initially being excited and saying yes, my head has been full of 'what ifs'. I'm thinking about it every waking moment. The wedding isn't for 18 months, and I feel like if I'm not up to this I need to let my friend know sooner rather than later. She will absolutely understand, and yet of course I feel like I'm letting myself down.

There's already a lot of travel involved for the wedding but I felt confident I could manage this, and as it's 'on location', I'll be spending the whole weekend with the wedding party. I'm just conscious that at a wedding, I'd normally eat carefully on the days preceding, sit on an aisle seat near the back, take medication in my handbag , wear something flattering in case I'm bloated or need to wear a pad. All things that I'm not going to have control over. I won't even get started on the hen do, as travel abroad's been mentioned but I'd struggle to fund this anyway.

Anyway, I strongly suspect, the more I type this, that it's my anxiety that's the issue, not my IBS, so feel free to ignore this self-obsessed rant or alternatively you're welcome to validate me. 😭

[MargaritaNiko]

Ohhhh and what I should have added, is that I used to use Imodium instants (1 or 2) as a precursor to 'red letter days', however now I only use them if I absolutely HAVE to. The last few times I've used them, such as when going to the dentist, have resulted in really bad stomach pain so I feel like these aren't the solution they used to be!

[Rolo0510]

Ah it’s so awful having Ibs and hard work planning your life around it!! I’m still fairly new to it so probably not much help! I think you sort of sound like you know what you’re doing. I’ve never tried the Imodium instants before. I’m having trouble with the big d before I go to work so thinking of taking my Imodium the night before to see if it helps. Anxiety is the deal breaker most of the time I think though! That slightest little cramp and I start sweating!! Like I say I’m probably not the best for advice but what about trying normal Imodium and taking it in advance?

[MargaritaNiko in reply to Rolo0510]

Hello, thank you for this! It hadn’t even occurred to me to try normal Imodium, I think because I normally leave it as late as possible in the hope that I can ‘get through’ something without needing it at all. This is a really good idea though and I’ll try it before my next ‘thing’. I hope yours gets easier, I understand where you’re coming from completely. x

[Allot]

hi I’m going through the same thing - my anxiety is ruling my life - I’ve been given antidepressants- 3 weeks in so far and I’ve just enrolled in a CBT course - I’ve had to cancel travel and social events recently. Im now worrying about travel for my holiday next March, it does feel like your losing your mind you’re not on your own.

[MargaritaNiko in reply to Allot]

I’m so sorry to hear this and appreciate you sharing, I really hope the CBT helps you. I can appreciate everything you’re saying. I feel like all we can do is take things one day at a time so cancelling sounds very wise to me, it’s just hard when we have future events that we can’t help but think about or need to make decisions about. Take care. x

[grumpyold]

If it were me, I wouldn't be able to cope with 18 months of worry before the big day.

The closer the wedding day got, the more stressed I would become.

I would have to reluctantly let my friend down now. You say that she would understand. If you weren't actually a bridesmaid but were still a guest, you could relax and be able to follow your normal coping protocol and enjoy the day with her.

[MargaritaNiko in reply to grumpyold]

Thank you for this, I’ve been seeking validation from friends and with your response I really feel understood. I listened to a very good podcast yesterday with Dr Rangan Chatterjee on Happy Place and I felt he was saying about pushing through anxiety as it’s the only way to fix it, however he also went on to say how harmful stress is and to remove your stressors. So I felt like these two things just contradicted each other, I only mention this because you hit the nail on the head with your comment. I agree and I think this is what I’m most likely going to go, have an honest chat with my friend, and I can hopefully support her in other ways on the day without an official role. It really doesn’t have to define our friendship. x

[grumpyold in reply to MargaritaNiko]

You are very welcome.

I think you are making the right decision, supporting your friend in other ways.

Stress really isn't good for us (raised cortisol etc) so why put ourselves through it if it can be avoided?

I know it's a long way off, but I hope you enjoy the wedding when the time comes, safe in the knowledge that you aren't in the spotlight. x

[Fernsmum]

oh you poor thing you sound like a rabbit caught in a headlight , maybe try to plan as much as you can , if your friendship is strong enough as im sure it is why not explain to your friend your worrys she might be able to put your mind at rest ,also ask about the style of dress it might be your friend had you in mind when she thought of this ,try not to worry ,and btw rant away were all here on the same journey we might need your advice soon , take care xx

[MargaritaNiko in reply to Fernsmum]

Thank you so much for this, rabbit in headlights is a very accurate description of how I’ve felt this week, I felt like my anxiety was getting so much better but I’ve been beating myself up as it feels like a real setback. I’ve been looking for validation in all the wrong places so I appreciate being understood in such a safe space. I think there’s a possibility of us choosing our own dresses within certain criteria and I definitely will speak to her but I think I’m inclined to take a step back and support her in another way. x

[Fernsmum in reply to MargaritaNiko]

good for you and glad it helped xx

[Catredkk]

I completely understand how you feel. Although despite colonoscopies and CT scans I’ve not had a confirmed IBS diagnosis, my symptoms all point to it with anxiety being the biggest trigger. My every day life involves avoiding certain foods, knowing where the toilets are and always having Imodium in my bag. If I were in your situation I would be honest with your friend, a good friend will surely understand. I have recently started using Imodium Dual Action Relief tablets which help with stomach cramps and I recommend them although expensive (about £4.50 for six).

[MargaritaNiko in reply to Catredkk]

Thanks for your response, I’ll definitely look into and try these as I haven’t actually heard of them before. Appreciate you understanding. The stupid thing is that after years of IBS I am finally in a good place with it but there’s nothing like ‘an event’ to set it all off again. I really hope you can get into a better place with yours and I’ll definitely speak to my friend. x

[Crystal89]

Reading your post, I honestly would have thought that I had written it! I too am an ibs sufferer for around 15 years. For a very long time my life stopped. It was awful. But I grew to understand my triggers and went on medication. But like you also, my ibs is managed because I can control the situations I am in, mostly. I got married in 2019 and everything that you have said, were my main fears. My stomach usually sorts its self out first thing and I was worried that I would suffer ibs when my mum, bridesmaid, make up lady and photographer arrives. Literally my worst nightmare, having to tot off to the loo when people are in the next room. And I was worried that I would become anxious after the meal. I don't really do eating meals out. If I do have to eat lunch or dinner out, I usually go very light as eating out and being around people usually spikes my anxiety. But with the wedding meal, I wanted to enjoy it, pudding too. So all of this, on top of normal wedding things, I was worried about. So what I did was I used the tools that I have learnt from CBT over the years, well in advance. And for me one of those things was writing down everything that I was worried about. Then what's the worst case scenario if that did happen. And then I wrote out the likely hood of that worst case and try to rationalise it. And this worked wonders for me. So much so, I woke up on the morning of the wedding, toileted as normal and by the time everyone arrived, I was fine. When it came to eating, I remembered that I am in control of this situation. I can eat as little or as much as I wanted. With that, I ate small portions and took my time. And once I had finished eating, I didn't give it a second thought so I didn't start getting anxious.

I promise you, the fear and unknown of the what ifs, will be far worse than what will happen on the day. Of course you should always feel that you have control and if you feel that the ibs may hinder the day for you, do talk to the bride before you say no. But my motto has always been I will not allow my ibs to control my life any longer. You and I know how to best handle it, I will control it, not the other way around.

I do hope this has helped a little. The forum is always here for you to express any worries. X

[Crystal89 in reply to Crystal89]

also, do you take any regular medication for the ibs? Mebeverine has literally saved me. I take it 3 times a day and it works wonders. X

[MargaritaNiko]

This is all so wonderful, thank you for your advice . I don’t take any medication for my IBS, but I really don’t need to as I manage it well after years of working out my triggers etc. It’s only if I’m going into a situation where I’ll feel trapped like a dentist appt or giving someone a lift then I have to go to the loo multiple times before leaving the house. I’m definitely getting better at controlling it as I no longer get IBS when I go into meetings because I’ve learnt I can just excuse myself so I think your advice to write things down and learn my coping techniques is really going to help. I’m still undecided over the whole thing but I do want to try, and your message makes me think maybe I can do it. I really don’t want to be this person anymore that’s scared of everything. x

[Crystal89 in reply to MargaritaNiko]

aw I'm really pleased to hear that you feel that you want to try. My ibs stopped me for a very long time. I would miss out on life events and opportunities because of it. It was 2016 when my husband and I planned to go to Paris (for him to propose) that I realised that I really needed to do something because my train of thought was exactly the same as yours and I was tired of fearing and overthinking every situation that I didn't control. The Dr put me on Mebeverine. I take 1 tablet 3 times a day. It's an antispasmodic which helps to relax the muscles in the gut etc. The reason why you need to loo when your anxious is because your colon spasms which causes it to eradicate your bowels fairly quickly. It's the same method as period cramps. So the mebervine helps to prevent those spasms. It's not a cure, but it may work a lot better than the immodium and it works along side your current techniques. It just helps with those situations where it's a lot harder to handle the anxiety side. Since being on it, it's really helped me get my life back. I no longer fear situations as much as I did where I may not be able to get to the toilet because the tablets mean that it's preventing me having to go because its calming everything down when I am anxious.

Being a bridesmaid is a great honour, it must mean that you are an important part of your friends life. It sounds like she would understand if you did decline but you don't want to regret not doing it from fear of your ibs. I respect what some of the other posters have said, if the worry and anxiety is too much then maybe best to say no. But from my experience, missing out on things because of the anxiety and ibs, does more harm to you then overcoming it which in turn builds up resilience and helps you long term.

I'm always around so if you ever need any extra support just drop me a message.

Good luck xx