CONTROLLING EMBARRASSMENT

[BarrySimpson]

Health problems, including incontinence, cause many people embarrassment - embarrassment about exposure of what are conventionally regarded as private, mostly erotic, parts of the body, stains on clothes or bed linen, or embarrassment about just talking about certain subjects.

A principle that I have found useful in reducing my own embarrassment is to ask myself whether the person seeing or just talking to me would be embarrassed by what is happening. Would a nurse or carer be embarrassed by giving me a bowel evacuation or inserting a urethral catheter? If they aren't then I see no reason why I should be. A few young carers, particularly some of those from different cultural backgrounds, have given me the impression that they would rather not work with men, but I do not decide the matching of carers to patients.

Maybe Nature was mischievous when placing both our waste outlets so near to our genitals. Some nursing and caring procedures do sometimes result in stimulation, although sick patients will not see them that way.

A bigger problem might be with non-professional people such as relatives or friends. I do not make a point of raising the subject without good reason but neither do I make a secret of my double incontinence. I do not hide away my pads, knickers or other equipment. I think they might gently introduce the subject without saying anything.

Have other readers found any experiences they are willing to share?

[rubberpants]

Hello Barry,

your post I found most encouraging.

Thank you.

[incon1982 Administrator]

I was a caregiver for my mother-in-law, a very private and proud woman. As her health failed and she became a hospice patient, she had all kinds of bowel and bladder issues. At first she was horribly embarrassed. But because I wasn't, and was gentle, kind, and caring about all aspects of caring for her and making her as comfortable as possible, she too relaxed and understood there was no need to be embarrassed with me. And so we worked together as a team and she knew she could count on me to be discreet and I was deeply devoted to her care. I was not trained nor a healthcare professional, but I learned from the nurses, and through reading ... and so what could have been extremely difficult became just part of daily care and loving her.

[BarrySimpson in reply to incon1982]

Thank you so much for your reply. You provided splendid, sensitive support for your mother-in-law and should be proud of what you did.

You also made me think of the caregiver's perspective, whereas my original post was restricted to the point of view of the patient. You reminded me of the importance of two qualities in a caregiver: first, understanding and empathy with the cared-for - the caregiver adapting what they say and do to that particular, special patient - and second, the value of carers being able to make something which is abnormal for the patient seem quite unremarkable - something which the carers themselves do.

I remember a nursing sister in hospital who was good at understanding a patient's frame of mind and putting herself on the same wavelength to make the situation seem quite normal. When treating or showering me, she would slip into conversations such topics as her interest in nudism, problems with fitting an intermittent catheter in women or even her body hair preference, perhaps embroidered a little, but successful in relaxing what might have been a tense moment.

[Hidden]

Hi here in the Uk im part of the Patients Service user groups one is inco and in process of setting up things with info like in TFL Oyster card and other places about inco and areas that are part of it like if had a stoke/diabetes/MS etc

One thing i brought up for many to add to is a list of things that cause inco so maybe #incon1982 could post as a sticky for others to add to the list as many suffer but don't realise it's something there taking or something they have that is the root cause!

So im drawing up a diagram with cause-symptoms-effects so others can understand that they are not alone in this mad world.

[chestnut7718]

the good news is that I had a hard time getting na erection after my accident so that means I don't get hard when other people change me or when i change myself.

[BarrySimpson]

Thank you for raising this topic which seems to be a cause of embarrassment for many. I'm glad it's not too much of a problem for you.

I had an accident 6 years ago causing spinal injury and paralysis. Since than I have had home visits by nurses on alternate days for bowel evacuations and by carers every day. Erections have never bothered me. I am always getting them. For me, they are quite natural and I can see no reason to be embarrassed about them. I have never had a nurse or carer who reacted differently. In fact, they make it easier to wash and apply antibacterial moisturising cream especially around the base of the glans.

How do other men and women feel about erections?

[sport1317]

When I became incontinent along time ago the erections had slowed down from when went in diapers.