There are so many things running through my head about my life now. If I was to compare I don’t know where I would start. So many things have changed for me. Not all are bad, and some of the things, such gifts, that I really needed to experience. Things I would have never have had a chance to do, unless I had something like metastatic breast cancer had occurred.
I was told on 3 May four years ago that it was all over. These were the words the doctor actually used. She said I had metastatic breast cancer all through my body and there’s nothing that can be done. A few nurses at Ballarat Base hospital reiterated her words, saying “Sorry” to me. I lived my life like the next few months, or, if lucky, the next few years, would be my last.
I don’t think there is anything else that would have jolted me into living life like this. Then, I lost Matt, (on Saturday it will be 3 years) and then the Holiday into the heart of the fired, and then Covid. And now a mad man is creating horrible atrocities for innocent people across the seas.
But despite all this, or perhaps because of it, I have had a chance at pulling back. At finding that I love making art. I have the love of a very special little dog. (I got to see her to her 2nd birthday and hopefully many more)
But the biggest thing? I have been given the gift of finding that I’m not such bad company. That perhaps I don’t need another person to fill me up and make me feel whole.
Don’t get me wrong. Metastatic (Stage 4) Cancer took things from me. For sure.
It took away some contact with amazing people (all my beautiful clients, whom I miss terribly).It took away the energy I used to have, to spend time with many of my friends.
It took away my physical strength and stamina.
But I have had time to ponder on life and get to greet each day like it may be close to my last. (That wonderful Buddhist teaching).
In January, I lost a dear friend to a more aggressive form of MBC. She called me in March last year to tell me her cancer had metastasised. And now, not even 1 year later, she is gone.
I often ask why I am still here. But I very rarely feel unlucky.
I want to share this poem by Derek Walcott
Love After Love
The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
Written by
Timtam56
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Thank you for this beautiful post. I am so happy to be able to celebrate your life and fourth metaverssery with you. Your dog is adorable; reminds me of an adorable little white Havanese I had. Best wishes.
Congrats to 4 years and best wishes for many more. Your puppy is precious and is a great comfort to you I am sure. I love your positive attitude. I hope you have changed doctors because there are lots of different treatments that can be used. I have just celebrated 5 years and taking Ibrance and letrozole since diagnosis. I too have a wonderful little dog that keeps me walking and playing frisbee and ball with her.
Happy metaverssary! I just passed my 4th earlier this year too 🙌 So, wow, don't some doctors take the cake! I'm so glad you can thumb your nose at the doc! I love what you wrote, and I love the poem too. I wonder if you might have a buddhist-leaning book you recommend? It has been a lot for you with a loss, the fires, and then covid but you have ridden the wave exceptionally well and here you are enjoying your life! Hugs to you, and if I get to visit Melb this year we should get together!
Well written and so true that a lot is taken from us but then that gift of knowing how truly precious life is. I am sorry but I didn’t know about losing Matt… such a lot a lot to overcome. Glad you didn’t sink into a horrible no return depression after that jerk told you in the most callous way that life was about to get tough… but you figured out you could handle it… and hope you left that dope in the dust.
I left all the docs who told me I just needed to do some excercise for the pain, (and forb8 months wouldn't do a CT for cancer whenbi asked them to ) and that doc....all left to dust. For sure.❤️
Congratulations, Timtam56, on your 4th metaversary. You indeed have come through much disheartening news, sadness and great loss! I am very glad that you have discovered your positive inner self.
I shall look forward to hearing from you as we both enjoy our lives continents apart while your metaversaries continue to pile up.
Congratulations, wishing you many more anniversaries too….what a crappy response to have had from that Doctor!! So glad you found your way to a positive treatment plan and are here today strong or even stronger in some ways than ever before! You are an inspiration. Love Zoe xx
Dear Timtam56, you definitely hit a chord, as we all struggle daily with the inability to plan for the future, because the future - according to our diagnosis - has been taken away from us. Learning to live the moment is such a gift.
I just turned 65, so I've learnt a thing or two; the separation body and soul begins long before cancer, around the age of forty, when we begin to look at a stranger in the mirror. At some point, that stranger is no longer recognizable, but we continue to walk together: the body we no longer recognize, the mind that seem to have taken a different path.
Isn't it amazing that despite all the hardship of the body, our mind is still able to find joy?
I congratulate you, from the bottom of my heart, for surviving so far, but mostly for the ability to live beyond cancer. I congratulate you for, in my understanding, saying: I HAVE cancer, but cancer ISN'T me.
Damn right it isn't.
I too was told that life is over. I have triple positive, the aggressive kind. Was told that the average life cycle is two years. I shall reach two years around November.
I feel fine. I feel well. I might live to be 80, who know? After the initial shock, I called my oncologist and said: the hell with your statistics. If someone lives one year, and I shall live 10 years, does it mean that we each live 5.5 years? This is not about statistics, this is MY life, and as long as I am not dead - I am alive.
Let's all drink to that🥂
And to celebrating each and every annivetsary, in spirit and broken bodies. Almost like a game of power: let's see who's gonna win.
First of all, what a wonderful picture. I'm in love with your puppy! So cute. Your post is a beautiful summary of what all of us have experienced with the mbc dx. Thank you! And I wish you many more years! You have already proved the doctor wrong!
Congratulations on living well! Love love the poem! A lot of us hate being alone and yet you have found that not only is it not so bad, it is rather good. Thanks for the hope your words brought to so many of us.
Congratulations on 4 years , wishing you many many more . Enjoy your pup and traveling .
Congratulations on your 4 years. I am on my 3 year anniversary. If my oncologist had said that to me, I would have looked for a new doc. Lovely poem. Good luck to all of us in our journey.
Thank you all so much for your beautiful, heartfelt, responses. I hope hearing good striez/lives, makes us all the stronger for it. And I forgot to say how much it has helped me having this place to land every now and then or when I need guidance. Or have the strength to help our someone else with a few words.
Thank you for your beautiful post, it brought tears to my eyes. I to was told five years ago you have maybe 3 years I changed doctors and decided nope I’ve still got too much to do!!Thank you again for your beautiful post loved the poem.
Your beautiful words and eloquent thoughts touched my heart. Thank you for sharing your mind and heart with all of us. Many of your words ring true in my own life, and your gratitude for life has made me reflect upon my own. Thank you for sharing your wonderful self. May life keep bringing precious gifts and wonderment to all of us! Take good care....
Thank you for sharing this awesome post and congratulations for 4 years going strong. Also love your adorable little dog. I pray for many more years for you to enjoy life. Sending hugs
Congratulations on your 4 year metaverssary 🙏!! What beautiful and empowering writing you have. Your sweet pup is so adorable. May you keep on celebrating life and many more metaverssary’s.
Greetings Sister/Warrior, and yesssss Thriver😊. That lovely picture of you, and your doggy put a smile on my face😀. I have the same spirit of loving myself, and my imperfections, though always striving to leave this world better place when I transition .😇 I have always thought I was/am sooooo independent, and enjoy my own company. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy the company of my loved ones., but I don't need people to validate me. Like you I was told I would not live to see 2009. Well I believe GOD has made me whole, and I have had NED for almost 14 years.😇 I realize I have had 14 years to celebrate my mom, and other loved ones Mother's Days. HAPPY MOTHERS DAY to you, and all of our Sister/Warrior/Thriver's😇
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🙌 So, wow, don't some doctors take the cake! I'm so glad you can thumb your nose at the doc! I love what you wrote, and I love the poem too. I wonder if you might have a buddhist-leaning book you recommend? It has been a lot for you with a loss, the fires, and then covid but you have ridden the wave exceptionally well and here you are enjoying your life! Hugs to you, and if I get to visit Melb this year we should get together!
Cancer Personality?
Recent Metastasic Stage IV Breast Cancer
