Hi Everyone, I’ve been struggling to put into words for family and friends when they ask. “How are you?”. Fortunately, I am stable—last scans were good, lots of intervention and maintenance, as with us all. Just curious what wonderful and creative responses you all have crafted.
Sincerely,
JeniMcC
Such a difficult question to answer and answer truthfully without giving too much info and taking the chance of overwhelming someone who is really just being polite. So I usually just respond in a generic fashion if it’s someone I’m not close to. I say fine or better than expected or hanging in if I’m not doing too well. If it’s someone I love who asks I tell the truth without overwhelming them with too much detail either, but I am more specific with them I always thank people for asking how I am. Their intention is only good and they doubt realize how hard it is too answer. I always feel there is no reason they need to live with my reality.
When I was diagnosed, I started a journal on CaringBridge.com. I invited who I wanted to see my blog. I report every month after my doctor visit how I’m doing and what’s been happening medically that month. It’s a way for everyone I want to invite to keep up with me and not feel obligated to ask. It’s been great. Just a thought. Maybe you could start one and invite the people you care about.
That is a great idea though I’m not ready to do that. Still living with the dream of a cure…or at least dying of old age 😬
In my case, I had a lot of caring coworkers who I knew I wouldn’t have contact with anymore after I stopped working. This was a way to keep them apprised of how I’m doing. I’m hopefully not going anywhere soon myself. They’ve really appreciated that I’ve kept in touch, and it’s so much easier than writing each person individually.
I've come to think of my MBC as a treatable, chronic disease. Kind of like Diabetes or Rheumatoid Arthritis (which my daughter has). Until they come up with a true cure, I am happy to celebrate a year with no new mets!
When people ask me casually how i am doing, I usually say, OK. with friends, I focus on a minor complaint which is becoming a nuisance, like a sore toe. With family, I'm more likely to go into my emotional state, which is pretty good, once I accepted the chronic nature of MBC.
You are so right..thats a helpful frame of mind! It helps everyone in the circle of family and friends understand that we're sick, and dealing with it!
Exactly as I feel. It is a chronic disease. There are worse ones out that like ALS. Most people would not even know I was sick bc I was diagnosed at stage iv thus no chemo, no radiation. So I do not look sick although how I feel is completely different from how I may look. But nobody wants to be around a downer, so there is basically one friend I will unburden myself on but not the others. They have their own issues in their life also.
Hi JeniMcC....
I read your question earlier, but didn't respond because I don't have an especially good answer. But I checked back to see what others have come up with... 
So I'll give it a go, not very interesting answer, though...
Probably my two most common responses are: "Great!" or "Amazing!" because that's typically what is true... .
Sometimes I'll say "Still breathing...", with a smile, because I *am* happy that's the case and acknowledge that I'm lucky for it...
On the rare occasion that I feel very tired or cranky, I say "I feel like shit!, How's by you?"
BTW, I'm generally happy to fill in details for folks, latest results, etc...I turn this stuff over in my mind regularly, and it helps me to write it, speak it, etc. Sometimes, on the 39th telling of it, I'll come up with some new angle or idea...
Plus, I do think that folks can learn from one another...and someday, if they or their loved one is dx'd, it might come back to them that I was still happy, etc., after dx & treatment, and so their situation might be less scary...
So there you have it! Great question!
Lynn
Ha ha ha. I say.... "Well I'm still alive! So I feel fantastic!." They usually look at me with total shock.... Or acceptance because they know me well and know that I am very straight up. I don't like beating around the bush these days. I haven't got time to just be nice to people. But I don't say It in a nasty way. Just a flippant.... "This is me" way.
Then I often say. "And thanks for asking. Lets hope it stays that way for some time yet."
I'm also stable. Feeling good most days. Tired some days. So my answer is I'm good or tired, thank you for asking. Then I change the subject and go on with my day. Family and friends I think feel obligated to ask.
I haven't told people about this second bout of cancer..When people say 'You look well' I say "I feel well"
Lucky you to have a secret.I wish I hadn’t been so open… I think at diagnosis I didn’t think it would be long but now do realize this is going to take awhile. So I wish I hadn’t told everyone…
Like most answers above, just pretty honest. I have been stable for years, so it's a lot easier. Usually, I answer "If I didn't know I had cancer, I wouldn't know I have cancer." I've always been very honest with people close to me as they then understand what's going on with me and my state of mind at the moment. I've always felt that those people also need the truth in order to acclimate to my situation so they can find ways to deal with it as well.
When my friends or family members ask me how I’m doing, I just tell them I have my good day’s and my not so good one’s, but today I feel great and everyday I thank God I am alive to enjoy life , if I am having an off day I just say it’s one of my off day’s today, but I am better than a lot of people in this world and so grateful to be here, I thank them for caring enough to think of me and to ask !
Such a great question! This has happened to me countless times and I still struggle to give an answer that is polite, truthful yet realistic. When I’m feeling great, not tired, not in any particular pain, I just say that I feel great. If I’m at the end of my Ibrance cycle, and I’m feeling particularly tired I just say I’m feeling a little tired. My good friends seem to understand the cyclical nature of my health, and those who are just being polite don’t need to hear all the details. Like you,I will tell people that I am grateful to be alive and I’m looking forward to my next birthday! As far as I can tell, no one knows what tomorrow brings.Thank you ladies for all your great, thoughtful responses. Yes, we’re sick with a dreadful disease, but I still feel that I will be around for a while . It’s a blessing to be alive thanks to these mixtures of chemical miracles. Might as well enjoy the ride.
My responses are very similar to what Lynn wrote above. Well for a while in the early dx of my mets I struggled to answer that question to people who did NOT know I had cancer. These days I am honest with the people who know and ask (but honestly I mostly feel good anyway so it's not hard for me to answer). I did find a way though to get a bit of an inner chuckle like a private joke to myself. Now when someone who doesn't know what I am dealing with (and there are many) asks how I am doing I say "Great" and they take it like the pretty generic answer that it is BUT I DO feel great knowing I am here on earth living, breathing, and moving through life for yet another day! For that I am very grateful.
It is a good thing your friends and family are asking, even if you don't always feel like answering it. My issue is my screwed up family, who supposedly care about me but who most have NO idea how to approach the subject (been 3 years with mets now) and so they just.don't.ask. Even good friends who live far away from me don't reach out and ask me how I'm doing and frankly it really pisses me off and makes me feel like they don't care. I literally have to "report" the latest development if I want to let them know of eg, my latest cancer progression. (My recent post to them was something like "So I've had a rough couple of months with extra scans and now we know I have more mets and I have to change drugs. I'm hoping for the best" 🙄) That is my struggle as it is not positive for me to dwell on it so I try to let it go and move on. Not always easy.
It is tough to not get support from our people. Hopefully you have one hubby or close GF who is in this with you. That eases our pain!
People just want to know if you are basicslly okay or if you are having progression. My personality is very OPEN and FRANK, so I just give a quick summary, "I am basically fine. I still get scanned every three to four months and nothing is growing. I'm on the same oral chemo and it is still working, so I am just super lucky and grateful everyday. How are you?"
Even though I have MBC, I say how I feel and that is, that,"Right now, I am cancer free". You and I know that, strictly speaking, that is not true but that is how I feel so I go with it. If I spent too much time thinking of all those toxic cancer cells living off me, I would probably give up the ghost. Instead, I just returned from driving my little motor home across the endless forests of Pennsylvania to beautiful Ohiopyle State Park and a revisit to Frank LLoyd Wright's Falling Water.
I hope it wasn’t as beastly hot as the time I went… the stream running thru thr house is meant to air con it…. But not when almost 100F! Any pics?
It was wonderful weather during the day and stormy at night; just the way I like it. Now for true confessions. I took pictures on my cell phone instead of my camera and do not have the skill to forward it/them. My excuse it that pictures not do it justice.
When friends ask I just say yes I'm OK, or that the kids are keeping me up so I'm tired.My mum asked me the other week if I was OK (I'd just found out i had a new primary cancer-ovarian)she knew about it and when I said no I aren't OK she said oh I don't know what to say.
I think people just tend to think you go through every day fine when in reality you have good and bad days. Now I just say to her that I'm OK.
At least she was being honest and saying she didn't know what to say. I'm sure she loves you dearly My family goes SILENT when they don't know what to say, which I hate.
Now four years into it, I Just say Okay, taking it day by day. I realized rather quickly when things were not going well and I went into it, that they suddenly became quiet or I would not hear from them for a while. So since I am single with no family (not bc of dispute issues, but really no family) I guess I tend to depends on friends. But I realize now that they ask bc they feel they need to but most do not really want to know the unpleasant part so I always say taking it day by day and leave it at that.
Thank you all for your replies. I posted the question and then my son had another mental health emergency, so getting back to the board after that is especially comforting. We all truly have a lot going on…and since the pandemic hit, I do appreciate people asking how I am doing —knowing they are suffering some of the same problems for a different reason (isolation, being cautious, loss—of of their health, of loved ones, jobs, relationships, decreased quality of life, etc.). I am also a strait shooter when people ask me, and after contemplating some of the answers others have given, I wonder if my discomfort has more to do with feeling like either 1) I don’t want to burden them with the nitty gritty details or 2) the daily experience of another chronic illness is ineffable or is still difficult to transform into something meaningful or thoughtful. I guess that the second is a symptom of me living in acute crisis mode, as it’s only been a year. Like being nailed to the spot, similar to the first time I was diagnosed with cancer in 2007. Thank you all again for your answers. Your guidance is precious!
Sincerely,
JeniMcC
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