Marriage

[Itisfinished]

I was just wondering if this disease has wrecked havoc on anyone's marriage? I feel like it has definitely caused alot of stress on both of us and I feel like my husband is really having a hard time dealing with this. It totally breaks my heart. I am already dealing with the stress of recovering from spinal surgery and the treatments to get well. It's been a challenge for my husband. As a woman we have to deal with so much that affects our appearance and anything added to it makes it even more stressful. Please pray for my marriage if you remember in your quiet time. Thanks so much I am praying for Gods peace and direction. 🙏

[Hidden]

Hi,

I am sorry to hear that your marriage has come under a lot of pressure since your diagnosis. This disease impacts our lives in so many different ways. Those of us who are married need to feel that we are safe and secure at home. We also need to feel supported.

As women, a lot of us spend years putting the needs of others first, so when we are diagnosed with this disease it can be hard to accept help from our family. We can even feel guilty asking for help and stepping back. I did at first, but I now know that taking care of my health is important. It will not be put on the back burner or ignored.

It sounds like your husband may be struggling to come to terms with your diagnosis. It is important for you to feel supported, so I would suggest you see if your husband would be willing to ask for some help, whether that involves professional counselling or help from a friend. If you are having to emotionally support your husband as well as deal with the reality of living with your disease it will wear you down. As much as our loved ones care, their despair and grief is exhausting and it is hard to carry that as well as our own worries. However much they may be suffering, we are the ones personally dealing with this disease.

I hope that your husband is able to come to terms with your diagnosis and support you. Once that happens, your marriage will be strengthened. My husband and I have been married for more than 18 years and we are stronger than ever. We mutually support each other, and it isn't all doom and gloom.

Take care,

Sophie

[Bettybuckets in reply to Hidden]

Good answer!

[Hazelgreen]

I would just like to underscore Sophie's comments below. I fully agree that counselling is in order. If your husband is as religious as you seem to be, perhaps you might receive couples counselling from the leader of your house of worship. If your husband isn't interested, I would suggest that you go alone. You need and deserve support! Be good to yourself. Ask for help. Warmest of wishes, Cindy

[LibraryGeek]

Hi,I have always said that I find it easier to be the person with the diagnosis rather than it being one of my loved ones-I feel great sadness that I have brought worry and fear into my husband’s life, although he deals with it extraordinarily well. It is tough on you both- I think the counselling sessions are a good idea. My husband also tries to practice mindfulness and sometimes meditates and that helps.

Sending you both good wishes- stay strong and be kind to each other.

Jackie x

[hdhonda]

Counseling is a good suggestion. Try to talk with your husband about how hard it is on him too. If you two could sit down and honestly share how the cancer is affecting both of your lives and the fears you live with. Be honest with each other. Both of you will have good and bad times. Let each other know when you are having a pity party. Stand together and hold each other up. If it is difficult for you to talk about this ask him to read this thread. Caretakers are special but so are patients. We will all be rewarded in the end. Hugs and blessings to you and your husband. Hannah

[Evbr]

Hi there, I’m sorry you have to deal with this beyond your treatment. As a husband of a mbc spouse that is caring for her and we are from Brazil, what I can offer as a help is my personal e-mail so that if your husband wants someone to talk i may be a good listener and try to help him. You can reply if you think this is a good idea.

Regards

Eduardo

[PJBinMI]

Way before cancer entered my life, I read that the divorce rate for couples when one has cancer is much higher than the "normal" divorce rate, especially when it is the wife who has cancer! Alot of cancer centers have social workers who offer supportive services to patients, spouses and others close to us patients. I had been remarried for just two years when I was diagnosed with denovo MBC. My husband's first wife had been diagnosed with an aggressive form of MS two years into their marriage and he'd become a great care giver. He is much better at doing than talking about feelings, and does alot of the household tasks I used to do, or do most of the time. I do what I can and he takes care of most of the rest. Our house isn't as tidy as it used to be but it's not dangerously messy. My own mother died of lung cancer in 1985, five months after diagnosis. I agree with Jackie that it can be much harder to have a beloved family member dealing with a serious cancer than it is to deal with my own cancer. I've been lucky that my family has a sometimes dark sense of human and joking about cancer has helped me alot in both roles. One thing I have made a point of doing is letting my husband know that after I die, I want him to feel it's okay for him to remarry (not the day after, though, lol). I've also told our daughters that I told him that, and deeply mean it. Life is for the living......... But he and I agree that the best for us would be for both of us to die around the same time so neither is left with out the other. I hope your husband will become more able to talk with you about the cancer and the reactions of both of you, and what you are each facing and how you each feel about it.

Some husbands really have a hard time handling the fact that they can do nothing directly against the cancer, for us. They'd rather we were being under attack by something they could fight off, like shooting a bear, or pulling us out of a deep hole! They may not realize how much it means for them to drive us to a scan, cook dinner, or quiet the kids down so we can take a nap! Men and women sure are different.

[Bettybuckets]

I am so grateful for all your comments! My hubby is taking this harder than I am and is not interested in counselling... I am sure we will get thru it as we have been a tight unit for 35 years but this is hard for him... I too hope we can go Near the same time as I don’t wNt him to face his health issues without me.

[Adele_Julia]

Blessings !As a woman of faith (Love your reference to 2 Kings 20:5), I completely understand what you're going through and feeling. My husband is one who likes to fix things. In this situation, with me, I'm not one to ask for help or sympathy - I've always been strong. So in my case, I am wounded by trying to keep the stress away from my husband when in fact, it's counter-productive. Funny tho, when I dump all my research and revelations about this disease on my husband in an effort to share - he easily get's flooded. That only frustrates me. It's a delicate balance about relying on your faith and marriage .., and realizing that men (my husband) by nature want to HELP FIX IT. In my case we've come to a place where I do all the research, my thoughts and next steps - he reviews and supports me. I agree with other posts that it is harder to be the supporter/caregiver - than the patient. I know this for a fact when my first husband passed away from Leukemia. Stay strong and unite with your Savior !

Julia

[mariootsi]

Sending prayers to you and your husband. Sometimes I think it is harder for our loved ones to deal with our situation.

[RLN-overcomer]

Sister/warrior, and yessssss over-comer I went through what your going through now with your husband. I have always been a strong woman who took care of everybody, and everything . When I was diagnosed I never cried, but my husband who was suppose to be my rock, was walking around in the house, and at his job like I died . He emotionally distanced himself from me. I would cry only when the pain of my aggressive chemo was unbearable, and I wouldn't cry in front of him. I would catch him crying, and think where is my strong husband who lifts 250 lbs easily, the same man who makes a good living fixing buses, the same man who can fix anything in the house including my washing machine. I get it now he couldn't fix my cancer, and this frustrated, and saddened him, and put him into a deep depression . My husband didn't know how to cook, but always brought cooked food home for me to eat everyday. My husband refused to go to a support group, even though I found a great one, just for men about 45 minutes from where we lived . When I finished all of my treatment I never told my husband the doctor said I would not live to see 2008, or that the doctor said he was just going to buy me some time to get my finances, and other things in order, which hinted at getting my funeral services in order. . Well I did get my things in order, and I told my husband who was still depressed that I could take care of myself, and that I thought it best that we separated. My ex-husband wants us back together, but this is impossible for me, since I am no longer in-love with him. . I need a man I can count on in good times, and in bad times which is what our wedding vows said. I am now 13 years NED thank DR. GOD. I am quite independent, and self sufficient. I learned computers, and through ( fix it ) video's I have put in dimmer lights, I've fixed lamps, spackled, and painted rooms in my place. I will be fixing my sewing machine after buying a $4 rubber gear piece. I can't quite fix a car yet , thank GOD it is not yet needed . I do hope/pray your husbands see's this post, and attends a support group that can help him be positively more supportive for you . My 90 year old aunt said if men had to birth babies they would no longer want to be intimate. We are definitely the stronger of the human species, but on the rare occasion that we need a strong shoulder to lean on, our men need to step up to the plate. GOD bless you, and I truly do pray you, and your husband become stronger from this life challenge. What doesn't break you will only make you stronger.

[hopefulinadks in reply to RLN-overcomer]

Congratulations overcomer! May I ask what aggressive chemo you underwent that finally worked for you and what type of breast cancer you had?

[RLN-overcomer in reply to hopefulinadks]

I was diagnosed with Triple negative metastatic breast cancer. I was given Doxorubicin, rightfully named the "Red devil", and Taxol. The doctor who treated me, at the time said his treatment would not kill all of the cancer, and that I would not live to see 2008, even with his expert treatment I would die. I believe Dr. GOD kept me here on earth cancer free 13 years after my so called expiration date . For me it is here or Heaven. I am celebrating the reason for the season.

[Itisfinished in reply to RLN-overcomer]

Amen! That's the awesome God we serve! Keep on living!

[RLN-overcomer in reply to Itisfinished]

Amen

[hopefulinadks in reply to RLN-overcomer]

God bless you!!!!!!!!!

[hopefulinadks in reply to RLN-overcomer]

I did the Red devil too before surgery and it didn't work. Happy Holidays!

[RLN-overcomer in reply to hopefulinadks]

I did all of my chemotherapy , and radiation treatments after my surgeries. I am counting my many blessings. GOD bless you sister

[TwithBC in reply to RLN-overcomer]

... here or heaven. ❤️❤️

[TwithBC]

...praying. Please do the same for us over here; marriage is hard when healthy, throw in a terminal diagnoses and young kids. God please help. It’s too big to handle. May this struggle bring us closer, not rip apart.

[RLN-overcomer in reply to TwithBC]

Greetings Sister warrior😇 Remember the GOD we serve can fight, and win any battle.🤗. Remember our LORD created this entire universe, moved mountains, healed the sick, and brought Lazurus back to live again.😊 There is (nothing nothing) too big for our FATHER/GOD. I pray you will be fully restored, and your marriage will flourish Amen!. Keeeeeeep the faith sister. Do your part, and let GOD do his🙏 The serenity prayer reminds me to do just that. 🙏🌈😇👍

[Itisfinished in reply to RLN-overcomer]

Thank you my sister in Christ! That was very uplifting and inspiring! Yes God can do anything and He loves marriage 😁❤ God bless you!

[TwithBC in reply to RLN-overcomer]

Thank you. “The battle is the Lords” ... so thoughtful to take the time to write this encouragement. Peace and goodness be with each and every soul here today. No matter what our “battle” is today.