I've been thinking a lot lately about the fact that I can't remember who I was before this diagnosis. Nor can I imagine my life now without it. Not to say I want it - that is not it at all. But, my amazing therapist has helped me to realize that even in this awful hell that is our new reality, there are gifts. And I have decided to focus on those. You see, before my diagnosis, I had been in a 22 year relationship with someone I loved very much, but who was also, unfortunately, an alcoholic. And I had spent the last 10 years of our relationship trying desperately to hold it all together and take care of both of us. It was never abusive, but I definitely put myself on hold for a very long time to try to make it work. Codependence at its strongest and most destructive. Cancer, in a very real way, freed me from this. I literally had no ability, energy, or patience to take care of anyone but myself. And this was my gift. My gift to let go. So, now single, I am discovering so much about me, because that is all I am focused on. My therapist Erica sent me a poem to help me in my time of realizing that my darkest and scariest moment has also been a liberating gift to live for today, not worry about the future (as much as we can), and to prioritize time with people and things we love. Because today is all we have.
Even in the Struggle
Even in the struggle, you are loved. You are being loved not in spite of the hardship, but through it. The thing you see as wrenching, intolerable, life's attack on you, is an expression of love.
There is another part, resting at the floor of the well within, that understands: this is how I am being graced, called, refined, by fire.
The secret is, it's all love.
It's all doorways to truth. It's all opportunity to merge with what is.
Most of us don't step through the doorframe. We stay on the known side. We fight the door, we fight the frame, we scream and hang on.
On the other side, you are more beautiful: wholeness in your bones, wisdom in your gaze, the sage-self and the surrendered heart alive.
I don't think cancer is love, but I do need to find a way to live with it instead of die of it. And it has given me a freedom I haven't had in a long time.
Love and hugs to you all,
Alana
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Struggling to embrace living with cancer rather than dying of it. Your post struck a note with me, something I needed to read today. Thanks and all the best to you
Your story resonated and the poem was inspiring. Thanks for sharing.
Wishing you all best in this extraordinary journey where, surprisingly, there are some very good moments and opportunities for learning. I like the idea of living with the cancer rather than dying from it! I’m with you. ❤️ Kathleen
Oh, wow, Alana, that is just beautiful and inspiring! I copy-paste-printed it out!
I agree that, while this disease and all it entails are terrible, there ARE gifts to receive or, more proactively, reach for. I started this year trying to figure out what I really wanted to do with what's left of my life. Cliche, but what IS the purpose of life, a life well-lived, and true, deep happiness/fulfillment? Big, important questions, but I keep allowing myself to get sucked into day-to day tasks, projects, etc., like freaking Groundhog Day. But I guess that movie, in the end, really was about waking up each day to live it better and find the things that matter...Yay Bill Murphy!
Again, thanks for sharing...It's a great message and reminder...And I really do admire you making the positive changes in your life.
Christmas Eve dinner with our daughter her boyfriend and our grandson who she gave up to us in 2003 at 5 yrs old.
My husband was an alcoholic also for many many yrs (we were married in 1977)
Our grandson at dinner asked to have a slice of bread and my husband tells him after he eats what’s on his plate. My grandson then asked his mom and she said you heard what pop said.
Omg what transpired next was a night mare. My drunk husband after cooking all day and drinking says “are u trying to be a weekend mom?”
Then it just Escalated, name calling cursing as I sat there motionless and staring at this poor child I have called mine since 2003.
The next day I informed my husband I will not do this again.
See the day of my diagnosis I was in work when the call came through, I said to my boss I needed to leave it was 4:22 anyway.
Got in my car and “Jesus Take the Wheel” was on.
I made a promise at that moment to change my life forever and stop being the enabler I’ve always been.
How dare my husband put his own feelings before me who was a newly diagnosed cancer patient?
Back to the Christmas Day after the big showdown.
I told my husband I was leaving and held true to my word. He did ask if I would stay once my treatment was put into action.
I stayed until August 1 2007 then got an apartment with my grandson and my dad who had dementia. What a life change, as I also worked full time.
Now it’s 2020 my grandson is 21, my now ex husband lives in a nursing home since 2014, he had a stroke and became Paralyzed from midpoint left and is now total care.
Well I did say in the beginning “to make a long story short” that was pretty long.
So much has happened since then, my ex and I remain close to this day.
I have never been more content in my life then at this moment.
Live for today we are not promised tomorrow, and never go back as the past is behind us it’s over and gone.
Thank you Alana for sharing it helps knowing we are not alone ❤️😘
Great post and I am glad for you. Things happen for a reason in our lives although sometimes it is hard for us to understand. I especially love your sentence "I have never been more content in your life." That resonates with me also in a way.
Funny thing is I told my friend, I yearn for my old life, working and socialization at work, meeting friends in Little Italy in NY for dinner, going for Mexican food and tequila at our favorite bar, missing using my brain (I was a paralegal in legal field since I was 18).
My friend laughed and said Anne Marie do you remember how much you said you were tired of being a paralegal, hated being in law (it was all I knew), and cried about how awful the MTA trains were especially in the summer when you were way underground the heat the humidity were awful. We had some real nutcases in New York (and by this I am not talking about the mentally ill which is shameful in NY that we do not help them so they wander the subways and trains and push people onto tracks and are scary. But they are mentally ill and bc they have no insurance NY (one of the richest cities in the world) it is shameful. Fifth Avenue one of the ritziest avenues with the most expensive stores and you see homeless people laying on cardboard boxes.
When I was at one large law firm and making a lot of money, more than I really deserved bc I didn't even have a college degree and I was making in the 80s. I always realized that there for the Grace of God go I when I saw the large amount of homeless in NY. So at Christmas time, I bought large quantities of wool socks, scarves and gloves. I wrapped up two pairs of socks, a pair of gloves and a scarf and put a xmas card on the gifts that just said You are not forgotten. I just felt it was so sad bc people acted like they were invisible. I made about 60 of them and would carry about 8 on me per day and I would hand them out to the homeless in the train stations or on the trains and they would always looked shocked. I would try and do it when there were not alot of people around. I felt everybody needs to feel that somebody cares and how awful to be xmas and see all these people with their heavy bags and for them having nothing. And life is funny. Then I lost my job during recession, was out of work for almost two years, went through all my savings and then there came a time when I had to apply for food stamps and extra help. So I went from that to being close to homeless and penniless. But I already knew before this happened, that that is all it took, was one bad event in life and if you don't have support sometimes it is hard to get yourself back to where you were.
I was on the train once when a homeless man said it was too hot and proceeded to take off all his clothes and just sat there naked as a jaybird. There was a man on Broadway walking one day and you could tell he was not homeless and had all his marbles but he was just wearing his underwear with a brand new pair of sneakers. Tourists were taking photos and I thought it was hysterical and he was waving and saying hello to people. When someone asked him, why he was not wearing shorts or pants he said it is too hot and this is just the same thing as a bathing suit. So there is he walking around Broadway and Wall street and tourists were aghast while New Yorkers were just smiling bc there is not much we have not seen.
I then thought back and realized my friend was 100% correct. I was not happy then, I was miserable and I was depressed bc I knew I would have to work forever as I never married and had no family thus no inheritance or anything like that. The thought of having to do what I was doing for another 17 years was beyond depressing.
So that kind of changed my outlook. Somehow I had convinced myself that my life pre-Cancer I was so much happier and better and she brought it all back. I remember praying to God for something to happen so that I would not have to work in law anymore, anything.....God answered my prayers but just not in the way I expected. So I no longer yearn for my old life bc I realized I was not really happy. I just imagined it was so much better until my friend reminded me.
Love all these posts! Thank you for sharing your heart & true selves. On my lower days, I long to be in the workforce again, using my brain, relating to people, using my talents and being “normal.” But the reality was that I was stressed to the max, hating that I had no time, it was a 24/7 job with good pay but at what cost? I am much more grateful & content now. I’ve been given the gift of time and living more simply. No longer taking care of everyone else, I can just be. Thankful for each day and what it brings. Thankful to God for showing me through this difficult trial what truly matters. ❤️🙏❤️
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