Love/dating/romance with stage 4

[Becca65]

Are there other ladies out there who have been dating, found love since their diagnosis? Is it even possible to find love with stage 4? Please share your stories. When do you tell them of your disease? Should I just give up? Is it foolish for me to want love again at this point? Should I strictly be looking for older men? I am 54, don’t “look” sick, not interested in long distance relationships. I don’t live in a major metro area so dating apps don’t really have much to offer.

[Stage4Gir]

It’s never foolish to want love. ❤️

[Stage4Gir]

Also noticed you live in the Northeast US. Me too. Pennsylvania. You?

[Becca65 in reply to Stage4Gir]

I was in Chambersburg, PA but am now back in the area I grew up in around Ithaca NY

[ktopaz]

Hi, I was thinking the same thing. I'm 43 & would love to have male companionship. My nurse told me not to mention, but I don't want to be deceptive. Some men don't want to feel like they will have to take care of you. The dating apps that I have tried also suck. I wanted a family before all of this. I am still believing that I will meet my soulmate though. We all deserve to be happy in spite of. We have been taking care of ourselves & living this far.

[Hidden in reply to ktopaz]

It is not being deceptive if you do not mention your illness at the beginning. There is no point in mentioning it on a first or even second date. Once a man gets to know you better and you feel that this particular person has the qualities you are looking for and that it looks like the relationship has possibilities, then mention it. He too may be not divulging certain aspects of his life that he feels may make a woman not want to be in a relationship with him. Telling someone on the first or even second date is way too soon and may scare them away before they even got the chance to know the real you. Your illness does not define you, it is a part of your life.

[ktopaz in reply to Hidden]

I strongly agree! This is a very good way to look at it.

[Hidden in reply to ktopaz]

Of course, I am unmarried and never had children thus I am an expert on these type of things LOL

[ktopaz in reply to Hidden]

Me too. Never been married & always wanted kids, but have been advised not to have them. Your advice is very sound. I am so glad I found this board. It helps get a lot of questions answered by those going through the same thing.

[Have-faith]

Hi ladies. Personally I think we should all continue to live our lives and do the things we want. If you want to look for a partner - Do it! Many people live years with mbc. Remember what we have said on other posts about new treatments being worked on everyday. We cant predict the future. We are not dead in this moment. If you have the energy to date, go for it. If you find a new relationship advanced then share your health issues. Chances are they may have a health issue too. I know people in their 40's who had heart attacks. I would think by date 3 to 5 you share. I look at this as a chronic disease that will be continuously monitored. I think saying something by date 3-6 allows the guy to back out early if he cant handle it and it is early enough for you hopefully to not ha e become to attached. I understand the concern here. I have been dating a great guy for 8 years now. When I was dx I wondered if he would stand by me as he did not sign up for this. If anything it helped him open up and become more sensitive as he had always been a tough guy hiding his emotions due to a past experience. When I came down with very bad pneumonia (just got over it) he proved he could be a good nurse. There is someone for everyone. Look at Kris Carr. Well know author and blogger luci g with stage 4 blood cancer for 17 years. I think she is 48 now. Her husband married her despite her illness. Keep the faith!

[Iwasborntodothis]

Yes I just read both Kris Carr books - Crazy Sexy Cancer and Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips and she discusses this topic.

[Hidden in reply to Iwasborntodothis]

Wow. I knew there were loads of books about cancer out there but even one geared towards sex (makes sense though.) I never buy or read any books about cancer. I live it and that is enough. No need for me to read any books about it. Personally, I love autobiographies and true crime.

So cancer takes enough of my time as it is. So I prefer reading anything NOT related to cancer. Occasionally, I may watch a documentary but primarily if it is about one's woman's experience with breast cancer, not a documentary about cures, or foods to eat. I sometimes get strength from seeing how these women handled things towards the end and most of them do it with grace.

I am very uncomfortable with how heavy I have gotten with all these meds. I am not blaming it all on cancer, I was overweight before I got diagnosed but now with these meds, I have even passed the limit.

I recently finally got my hair cut short and colored and full head of highlights bc I was feeling so low. My fb friends wanted to see the new haircut as none of them live close. So I just learned how to take a photo of myself with the medicaid android phone. I was horrified by how bloated my face looked so I took the computer magic marker in black and I colored my whole face out and you can just see the haircut. All my friends were like why did you do that?> I said many of you had not seen me since my diagnosis and some of you in years. I look awful and my face is bloated and I do not want a photo of me on the internet so I completely blocked out my face so you see a head with hair cut and filled with highlights LOL

[Iwasborntodothis in reply to Hidden]

you are beautiful

[Iwasborntodothis]

You look awesome by the way!

[Barbteeth]

Hi there

I’m a lot older than you and married but if I was young and single like you and I wanted a man to go out with ...share experiences...and have fun...I would definitely do it!!!

You don’t have to disclose anything about your health unless it became a serious relationship then maybe let him know

You’re young and gorgeous...go for it but be choosy

Barb xx

[Rhwright12]

Hey! Why not! Yes we have crazy schedules and lots of doctors appointments. But we still have time to date and go have dinner. I’ve gone on 2 Disney vacations and ran several 5ks since diagnosis. And a lot of peeps of here have done international travel. So yea! Go date! I’ve had people hit on me since diagnosis...🙈...😂...Be honest...but hey with advances in care there’s a good chance we may live to a normal age and u just got to think like that’s what is going to happen. And live accordingly.

[Hidden in reply to Rhwright12]

Ran 5 Ks? I am very impressed by that. I could not even imagine doing that pre-Cancer let alone after my diagnosis. You go girl. You are an inspiration!

[Hidden]

First, you do look fantastic. I cannot imagine that you would have trouble finding a date. I would not tell them of your disease on a first date, nor even after a second date. After a few dates, if it seems to be going somewhere, then mention it. No need to divulge that type of personal information on a first date. Let the man get to know you a bit and vice-versa. He may have some secrets on his own that he is also holding back.

Once a man gets to know you and after a few dates, you will have a better understanding of whether he is the type of man you want in your life and who would stand by you. Then mention that it is part of your life, but just a different part, and that it does not define you as a person.

It is never foolish to want love. Everybody wants/needs companionship. Never a judge a person by a first date (unless he does something completely stupid). Sometimes it takes a few dates to really get to know a person. You may not find that person attractive at first but after getting to know somebody and you see the beauty in his soul, he then becomes attractive to you because of the type of person he is. He may be just as lonely looking for a female companion to share his life with and travel with. I know several people who have found their mates that they married through dating apps or who they developed long-term relationships with. Just realize that men are just like us in that area. Wanting to meet someone but worried about being rejected or used. Just use common sense and be smart. Don't let them know where you live when first dating, meet in a public place. I always believe in the beginning (some may disagree) that you share the costs of going out to dinner or something. It is expensive to date these days and he may like the fact that you offer to go dutch because dating is expensive.

Never give up. Sometimes though you may find someone when you are not even looking. Join a club or an organization or a volunteering position where you are doing something you like and will meet man with the same type of interests. Take some classes in something you are interested in. I always think (as I tell a friend who uses dating apps in NY) that she may find someone where she least expects it, in a supermarket, at church or even someone you may have known for years but never looked at that person as a potential soulmate or companion.

No, you should NOT just be looking for "older" men these days. Some younger men have it more together than older men.

Everybody comes with baggage as we get older. Even if you develop a writing or phone call relationship with a man that lives out of state. That is still a possibility bc that person may be willing to move to be with you or can come and visit to meet you in person (which shows real interest) and eventually move to be with you. I had been friends when I was younger (in my 20s) with a male friend for almost 3 years. At the time he even had a girlfriend. Then when then broke up I started to realize how funny he was and how people always liked him and would ask if he was coming to a party. He would drive the girls home if we all went out as a group bc he did not like the idea of them traveling alone at night in Brooklyn which showed me another side of him. Then I started to view him in a different light, seeing what a good person he was. But it was odd that we had been friends for several years and I had never noticed these things about him before. Then we eventually did start dating and he admitted the same thing to me. That during our friendship (and after him and his girlfriend had broken up that he too felt the same about me. Our mutual friends were shocked but happy for us. He was a good friend in the beginning and then once we started dating, we became each other's best friend.

Just if any of them ask for money for a loan, run for the high hills. You look beautiful and much younger than 54. But as we mature, it's less about how much he makes, what he looks like (to a certain degree), but more about the type of person he is inside which can make one very attractive. Remember you always deserve a man that respects you and treats you like a lady.

Put the word out. Some of your friends may know someone that they think you might be interested in but never introduced you because they may not realize you are interested in dating even while dealing with your illness. Your diagnosis is not what defines you and you obviously take care of yourself regardless of your diagnosis. You deserve love and a man who respects you.

By the way, when my friend was over my apt. and I had not been feeling well. He made me soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. But I still felt really sick and ran for my bathroom and just as I made it into my bathroom, I did not get to go to the bowel first so I threw up (sorry) all over my tiled floor. I started crying bc I felt so sick but worse that I now threw up all over my floor and did not want him to see it. We had just started dating. He knocked on the door and I would not let him in. He then kept saying Open the door and I said I cannot...I just got sick all over the floor. He said do not worry. I opened the door and I was so upset. He said don't get upset, why are you upset that you threw up when I am here. He made me get into the shower and he cleaned up my floor which was a mess. He cleaned it up and mopped it while I was in the shower. I knew then he was a KEEPER because he did not say a word or gag like I imagine most guys would. He just, without my asking, took care of it. I think it was that moment that I realized I was in love with him. It just hit me when he did that for me. He told me after never to be worried about him and what he was going to think because he loved me.

No, I am not married to him. Not because we broke up but because after three years of dating and getting ready to plan our marriage and was engaged, he was involved in a very serious car accident and was in ICU the entire time and he passed away after three weeks. To this day, he was and will be the greatest thing that ever happened to me. We were both only 22. I miss him to this day and know I will see him again one day. So although my story did not end up as a romance novel, it did show me what type of man I wanted in my life. I never found someone I loved to that degree, thus here I am unmarried at 60.

So you realize, of course, that being 60,not married and not involved in a relationship and never having kids that it makes me an expert on relationships and the proper way to raise kids. LOL

So the point of my lengthy post is GO FOR IT!

[ktopaz]

Wow, thank you for sharing your story & I am sorry for your loss. I thought I was all alone in this because no one wants to talk about their diagnosis or what they are going through. Blessings to you & everyone else on this love journey as we continue to live & thrive!

[mariootsi]

We all need love and a caring person in our life!

[Becca65]

I was married and have 2 grown sons and a grand-daughter. I was never good at recognizing when a man is interested unless they just ask me out or tell me and I am old fashioned enough so asking a guy out probably won’t happen. I did try once when I was around 40 and this guy had asked me out before but I was seeing somebody. I figured I was safe - but I got turned down. I guess I feel I have always been sort of dating dumb. Like how do you meet somebody in a grocery store and end up going out on a date? Do I somehow look unapproachable? I am fairly friendly and will chat with strangers in line at the store. I have been single for around 10 years (granted the first 3 years I had no interest in another relationship) mostly and I just don’t get asked out. I’ve had a couple 70+ year olds flirt relentlessly with me and a couple married men (big no no). The age wouldn’t be a problem if they were active but these weren’t. They just seemed like dirty old men who just wanted my body. I did a long distance relationship and waited for a man to move closer to me - he said he was applying for jobs and we did visit each other some but at 5 years I said enough is enough. We remain friends. Gee I feel really stupid in this department.

[Hidden in reply to Becca65]

I get it but hey I would feel good if even a "dirty old man" just wanted me for my body, but the way I look, even they will pass me up LOL

Plus I have lived alone for so long now, never even had roommates that I like things the way I like them and I am not up for compromising much. I think some people/relationships require that and sorry, I want things my way and that is it.

[hdhonda]

I have a friend who has severe COPD and heart issues. She started dating someone and told him. He didn't care. She insisted that he go to the doctor with her and instructed the doctor to be honest with him. Doc told him the COPD would cause problems before heart. They have been married seven years. She has been on oxygen last three years. He has kept her going and that has been good for her. They are very happy and are enjoying life. I say go for it, if you meet Mr. Right. Blessings Hannah

[ALYogaGirl]

I have dated with MBC at 54 and I would tell them up front. I wanted to use it as a screening tool. If they ran, so be it. I did have a steady BF for a while but I found that his expecations of my energy output was more than I wanted so I stopped seeing him as a GF but we are still friends.

[Hidden in reply to ALYogaGirl]

Well, I think its better to wait a few dates. I think I would be scared if the on the first date somebody told me that. Not because of what their sickness is but because of how quickly they would divulge that information.

My screening tool would be (if I dated much) would be how polite they were, if they hold the door open so you can walk in first. If they can handle their liquor and not get drunk on the first date. I would wait a few dates.

Even with my diagnosis, if a person on my first date revealed too much,I would be put off by that. But if he told me after 3-5 dates, I would feel better realizing that he felt comfortable enough to divulge.

[Hidden]

Hi Becca!

You've received a lot of great input above, but thought I'd share one anecdote.

My friend's cousin was diagnosed with MBC shortly after her divorce came through, about four years ago. A year or two in, she started dating. She got married to the love of her life last year!

Just remember...any man would be lucky to have you!!! You're young, beautiful (not that that matters... ), and, Man!, what experiences you've had, dealing with the things that most people fear! You need a strong man who appreciates and wants a fierce woman!

Good luck out there!

Lynn

[SusieIM]

This is a very interesting question I just read this and I am glad you asked. I and my husband have not been together for a long time, but since this things have been put on hold as far as finalizing our divorce. He is supporting me for medical insurance reasons. I am thinking about doing something about this, if my health remains stable but will see.

[Hotlantaphatz]

hey MBC Chic! When you figure it out let me know! Lol! Maybe write a book on it!